42

42, the answer to life, the universe and everything. I have finally reached the pinnacle of human knowledge acquisition. I must say it feels like a bit of a let down. There were no fireworks, no shining lights from the heavens, no fanfare and bellowing drums to announce the enlightenment. But I think the problem is, that I actually reached it weeks ago. Perhaps the universe is counteracting a lifetime of being late for everything, by gifting me with knowledge before it was due.

I made a decision. One that I should have made 15 years ago. Then again 6 years ago, and so forth. A decision to do what was best for me.
I removed myself from a totally toxic, narcissistic situation. The decision was probably the most difficult I’ve had to make in my entire life. It really fucking hurt…indescribably. Because, I love this person, completely and unconditionally…but that was the problem. It has hurt, weighed and bled me dry for years. And I knew that if I let it continue, and nothing changed, I might not. The self admission that I had been acting completely masochistically for this long, for someone who couldn’t care less whether I was here or not, was an important one.
Believe me when I say, you cannot fathom how hard it was for me. How many times I’ve wanted to give in. How often I’ve thought, but maybe?…and had to steel myself. How deeply it’s burning my soul. But even this absence of everything…it hurts less than the person you love, being there occasionally, while concurrently treating you like you don’t matter.

You see you can only convince yourself that something is good, and right, and meant to be, for so long.  You can only overlook a persons actions for their words, until one overpowers the other. You can believe you have found your soul-mate amongst billions of people. You can share years of deeply loving moments, intuitive emotional sex, time, laughs, music, and much more, without the truth sinking in, if you don’t want it to. Until you accept…it’s just abuse. That it’s just someone taking advantage of you emotionally and mentally, because they can.

I believe I have been little more than a convenient sin to this *man*, and I’m done with boosting egos. If it were ever anything more, he did nothing to convince me of it. There was rarely anything but excuses, lies and indifference. There was no respect or real love. Because real love is what you do, not say. There were well timed gifts, forced interest and scraps of time or attention when it suited. There were broken promises, empty dreams, placating compliments and false empathies. And there was so much manipulation, it became hard to distinguish from the truth, probably even to him. It felt so real, because I wanted it to. I gave him every chance, every hope, every thought, and every ounce of forgiveness I had. I offered him every part of me.
Then, while he shared his time and superficial affection between anyone else he chose to pander to with it and made it look so sincere, he proved I was not what he wanted, because I was beyond his control. And I ignored it, because he was still telling me he loved me. The one thing on the planet that is genuine and fulfilling-love…and he fears it because he believes it to be a weakness. So instead he uses it as a tool, as leverage, for his own convenience.
He is a coward, afraid of what he might see if he looks at himself, and afraid to feel, for what he could stand to lose, if he were ever honest with himself. He is cruel for what he has done to me, to himself…and to others. 

I am no angel. I have lied, deceived, and done many other things I am not proud of (most of which I have eventually admitted). I deserve nothing from him or anyone else. But what I don’t deserve, was to be treated in the way he did. Disregarded, as disposable. Scolded like an insolent child. Hated for being loved. Hated for loving. Blamed for every one of my own hurts. Coveted as a possession. To have my mental capacity, emotional stability and loyalty questioned without reason.

I have spent 15 years feeling like I am ‘not enough’. Not ‘not pretty enough’, ’not rich enough’, or ‘not smart enough’…but just ‘not enough’ for the man I love. He constantly chose other people, other love, other things, work, and money over me. He doesn’t want me, or to be a part of my life. I was not enough for him. And…that’s ok, but…the lies.

I will never not love him. Perhaps, I will never truly let go. Perhaps in years to come, a scent, or tune, or glance, will still remind me…But, I am done with being told I am everything, and treated like nothing. I am done with being ignored and hurt to within reach of tragedy, only to be told that I was over-reacting, and everything was okay. Everything was not okay. I am done with being discarded, only to be picked up for later use, because he knew I wouldn’t walk away. Because when I use the word love, I understand it, and I mean it.

I do however, have two things that he told me I possess…strength and finesse. And I am choosing to use them now, after a long period of reconciliation, for myself. I am going to try and forgive myself for allowing him to treat me like he did for so long. I am worthy of real love, and of being treated like a person, a lover, a woman, a friend and a fucking queen. And I am not looking for anyone else to do that.

So, at 42 years of age, I have finally admitted to myself, that there may be someone on the planet that can love me the way I need to be loved. Someone one who will worry if I’ve eaten, make sure I get home safe at night, push me to exercise and feel better about myself, make time for me, and love me unconditionally. There is someone who will truly care for me, without hidden agenda or deception. And that person is me. I am not broken. I am aware. I am anything I want to be. And…I am enough.

Good things are happening this year. New ink, new places, new experiences, new perspective, and new adventures. They say life begins at 40, and in a way it really did start then… I’m just usually running a little late 😉

Do you have resolutions Kids? De-cluttering seems good for the soul.
Cheers,
V

 

Void

Want to know what it feels like, to have a man, that has claimed to love you for over 13 years, sell you dreams, and keep you living in hope, tear your heart out in one swipe? Me too…because right now, I’m not feeling anything. Oh…I know I will. I know that in a few hours, when the shock subsides (not the shock of it happening-just the feeling) I will feel it. I’m imagining it similar to all the other times, but more of Mack truck like effect. Because this is it. The last time.
I know…drama drama drama right? But he ended it, again, and this time it’s done. Not because he says it is…but because I don’t have the energy to keep fighting. Not because I don’t love him, but because I just can’t do it any more. I can’t.

Right now I’m just a huge messed up ball of anger, and hurt and confusion. Right now I want to hurt somebody, and if nobody gets in my way, I’m guessing it will be me. Right now, I don’t care about anything or anyone, much less myself.
 But in the morning, when I can see clearly enough, process the thoughts that are spinning in an out of control fashion around my head currently, in a weakly diluted (okay barely diluted at all) bath of wine and whiskey…I’m going to feel every single little part of the hurt, and betrayal and loss.
Someone said to me tonight “It was a betrayal of love, and a betrayal of you. You fight for love, and he plays with it”. Well, I don’t like this game, and I can’t play it any more. I have fought for too long, to get to the castle, to be told that the game is over before it begins. And the thing with games, is that they come with consequences. If you land on the corner square, you go to jail. If you land on a ladder, you slide down it. If you hurt somebody, that is strong enough to have dealt with your bullshit for 5 fucking years (not including the stint 8 years before that again), you need to expect, that before they are gone, they will show you what it’s like to feel.
Consequences. Something he has never had to deal with. Because he trusts that he is loved, and while love has never been enough for him to return, to commit to, he thinks it is enough to protect him.

He says he wants to be alone, period. So, he can be. And I will make sure of it. Vindictive-sure. Vengeful-maybe. Justice-fuck yes. I’m guessing at this point, there may be a person or two out there, wondering just how much they have under-estimated me, or my affinity for evil? For truth? Perhaps even under-estimated my lack of resourcefulness and memory? And I can say this, because I’m a bottle of wine and half a dozen good (fuck your Scotch) Irish whiskies to the wind. I can say it because lack of inhibition, apparently lets me say whatever I want, to whoever I want (those people know who they are tonight, and I regret nothing!)

But for now, I will sob, and despair, and be fucked up. Let all who wish to judge, kiss my lily-white arse. I deserve to feel exactly how this feels to me. I deserve to hurt and bleed and pine, and ache and long. I deserve to feel what this man has done to me for so long, that I may be able to one day, finally, let go of all of the light and goodness, that I see in him, still. I deserve to grieve and be hurt, and be bitter, and angry and resentful. I deserve to question and doubt, and know that he has done the wrong thing to me, when all I ever wanted for him was good. I deserve to know that I didn’t do this. that I was not to blame. That I have nothing to be ashamed of. That LOVE is nothing to be ashamed of.
You see, all along, people have said that losing love is like grieving a loss. And I have known both, so not to diminish anything, but…there’s this. This. This is a decision. He decided that love was not enough. that I was not enough. He decided not to choose me. He weighed up the options, of which there are countless, thought about it…and decided that he didn’t love me enough. Loss is not a choice. this. This is a choice. I was not enough.

It is not my fault, I know. But it is my pain to bear. That this person I love so very much, my soulmate, the person I would give everything for, that told me until this week began that he loved me, wanted me…thinks I am not enough for him. He would be alone, over making a life with me. He would choose nothing, over me. Let that sink in, because it’s taking a while for me.

So now, I’m going to go and try and sleep this off. This initial fucked up knee-jerk reaction to pain. I will wake up feeling sick and worse off for it, and steel myself to go to work and put on a brave face, when all I want to do is be alone and feel the entirety of this…void. And maybe he’ll show enough respect to just explain anything, and maybe he won’t. I don’t know why he’d start now, to be honest. It doesn’t seem that it’s been a high priority to this point. But the consequences…they will come. After all, who am I to stand in the way of a mans true desires?

Goodnight Kids. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. Or Karma.
V