In my wanderings I got to thinking, as I do, about happy thoughts and feels. Needing something to lift me up. “Self” I said…”what was your happiest moment ever? I need to feel that now, even if for a moment”. Self seemed confused for a minute, then said back to me. “Yes, I have many happy moments in here for you, but I also have better than happy”.
“What could be better than happy Self?”, I asked her. And she took me back, rushed a blur of thoughts and feels into my head suddenly. My chest tightened, my heart beat faster, my teeth clenched in nervous anticipation…and I knew she was right. I understood quite clearly that simply happy is not the best I can feel.
There I was pacing, watching the clock…waiting. Just hours left. Uncertainty and deeply nervous anticipation coursed through my body, making my hands fumble. Jittery and unable to stand in one place, sit, stand, watch, concentrate. The house was clean, except that little spot. There, now it was clean. Wait did I forget to fold the towels? There, done, now it’s all done. Bed made, dogs washed, food stocked, alcohol, mixers, truck cleaned out, snacks, smokes, I think that’s it? Yes.
Tick tick tock. A text chime! All is well, edging closer. One more hour of filling time, and then a phone call. My heart breathes out, “boarding now, see-ya soon, can’t wait, I love you”. I press end. Just flight time to go. Tick tick tock, and the wheels are off the ground. No turning back now.
Tiiick tiiick toock, engines rumbling and altitude reached, smooth sailing. Shower and preen, dress and fuss about. Is this enough? Am I enough? Hang on…did I fold the towels? Oh yes. That’s all done.
Tick tick tock, and it’s time to go. Kind of. A little early…but what if there’s traffic? I should go. I can’t be late. I’ll get fuel on the way, in case there’s no traffic. I give the dogs a hug and announce where I’m going. I say his name out loud and they start spinning circles. I wonder how much they understand. I wonder if it’s my excitement they share in, or they have their own? I wish I could join them. Oh to hell with it, I do. I spin circles with them. There’s time. There should always be time to spin circles! Then keys and the lock clicks. The door is shut behind me, and I’m walking to the truck. But it’s not a walk, it’s almost a bounce. My feet are too excited to just walk. My whole body is buzzing along with my mind.
Driving with a smile on my face and butterflies in my stomach. All you have to do is get there safely. Why are you driving like that arsehole?!! Get out of my way. Don’t you know where I’m going??? There’s no heavy traffic, it’s record time, I’m stopping for fuel. Why is there no traffic? Fuelled up, keep going.
Tick tick tock, I pull into the parking lanes, and wait while the boom lifts. Stretching for the ticket, I check the time. A touch early, oh well, better early than late, no rush now. OMFG I’m here, and soon, soon, soon, not soon enough…
Parked and locked, I politely request her to wait for us to return. I tell my truck that we are having a visitor, that she has to be good. She sits quietly and stares back at me expressionless. I make her promise, as I lean against her with a cigarette to calm my nerves. My anticipation. My excitement. It doesn’t, and I don’t expect it to.
Tick tick tock, I’m resisting the urge to walk up the electric conveyor. You don’t need to walk, it does the walking for you. You’ll get where you need to go, be patie…..hahaha Self laughs.
I step off the escalator two steps early, and slow my pace to casually stroll over to the electric schedule screen.
Tick tick tock, on time. Landing in 8 minutes. Eight. Whole. Minutes. Okay, that’s enough time to find a spot, calm down, appear cool. Not too far to the front, not so far back, clear view of the entry door. Wait…that’s not enough, also a view of the entry corridor camera screen. Here we are. Perfect!
Tick tick tock, landed, taxi to gate, disembarking………………
Fidgeting, heart beating faster, eyes glued to the screens, waiting, tick, waiting, tick, waiting, tock…
Is 3 minutes enough time to actually think you may not even recognise him? Has it been that long? Wait, what if you don’t? What if you avert your eyes for one second and he slips by and leaves? What if he’s not actually on the plane? What if something happened on the flight? What if he changed his mind before boarding? What if you….There! There he is!! The screen is not even clear, but the posture, the casual stroll, unmistakable.
Ticktockticktockticktock, eyes flick from the screen to the entry gate…can it take so long to walk 10 metres!?? There. There he is. It’s really him. He’s here! Right here. In the same room as me. And I’m here to pick him up. He’s coming with me. I want to scream it from the rooftop. I want to run and just jump.
Tick tock, I don’t. I lean against the post beside me casually and wait for him to scan the room. He spots me, tick, and that smile that just beams across his face, tock, as he walks over to me. Can everyone feel the room light up and glow, or is it just me?
He leans down and kisses me gently on the cheek and my world implodes in an outrageous array of fireworks. “Hello you” Cartoon birds are fluttering around, singing loudly and very fucking happily.
Tick tock, we quickly moved down the escalator, “How was the flight?” pay the parking slip “Customs pulled me up” and toward the still patiently, still expressionless, truck.
Time is no longer relevant. It is still as we walk through the carpark, and as he gently slips his hand into mine…tick…it stops.
We stop for a cigarette before leaving, and the quietness, the darkness in the air is the only thing around us. I want for nothing more than I have right now. I have everything in that moment. It won’t be long before the tick tock begins again, as time is so limited. But….better than happy. Yes. Thank-you self for understanding. For knowing that there is more about me than I understood. He did that too.
So I kept wandering today, but the colours around me changed. And I understood that there was more to search for, to hope for, than just happy. Better. The things that make you feel alive.
Let your inner voice speak once in a while Kids. Sometimes you’ll surprise yourself.
Cheers
V
vampressa 