Baby, don’t hurt me, no more…

What is love? Is it straight out, over the top, passionate, scream it from the treetops proclamations? Perhaps a soft touch, or gentle stare into anothers eyes? Just a phone call every now and then? No, Love is too difficult to define. There are too many variations of it to label it as this or that. There are too many subtleties and facets, to say that something is or isn’t love. Love is felt, not explained. It is when you feel something that cannot be explained, by anything other than the simple four letter word, that encompasses so many things. Love. We say it too much, and mean it too little.
869018a0afdedff078f1f694127cc835And then there’s being ‘in love’, which is a whole different ball game. That is, love, this indescribable feeling, at such an intensity level, that it changes a person. It makes their priorities change and heart do back-flips.
43be1b8b0c2409f67496013750bf9504The old cliche is wrong, it doesn’t make you blind…but it does make you forgiving. It makes your desires change, and grants you the ability to do things you never knew you could, both good and bad. It defies logic and reason. And if you are alone in it, it is the hardest kind of hard.
c1fa64d64e475a9f0ac37a03642e1430The places you find the different forms of love are surprising. It can come as a phone call, to make sure you are okay, a hug from a stranger, a lover with whom your soul has likely shared a past life…or in the respect of a friend.
1e84e2d029431ba2e63fd4d286eb268aI have a friend, who I have been close to for most of my life. He comes across as very blaze when it comes to most people. He’s introverted and quiet, but he’s passionate about things that mean anything to him. I introduced him to someone very important to me once, and he was already skeptical, but promised to stay open-minded, because he knew what it meant to me. After the event, and further down the track, he said to me in a very even serious tone “I like the guy, I really do…you said I would…but if he hurts you one more time like this, I’ll fucking kill him”. It wasn’t a real threat, it was just a statement to show how he felt. It was protective and heartfelt…and there’s love in that.

Another friend. On the outside he’s pretty easy on the eye and a little on the rough side, but I’m sure that inside, is something that would make a Miner smile. We spent some time together at one point, and along with the general conversation, he may have thrown words like ‘awesome’, ‘attractive’ and ‘beautiful’ at me. I admit I was somewhat surprised, but dismissed it quite quickly and we kept talking. We got ridiculously drunk and ended up in bed together.
At this point, you may be thinking “what’s this got to do with love, it’s sounding like bad 70’s porn music should be playing in the background?”…but no. Nothing like that happened, and that’s the point exactly.
We curled up together and went to sleep. That’s the truth.
In the morning, he said to me quite matter-of-factly “The reason I didn’t try anything, is only because I respect that you have feelings for someone else, and I knew you wouldn’t want me to. I don’t want to mess with that, we’re friends”. He was right.
And that right there. Respect, honesty…there’s love in that.

A third friend has recently lost someone very special. She is in a world of her own pain, and yet never fails to reach out a loving hand to help when I fall. She listens and talks, and makes coffee and time. She never judges, and tries to understand where I’m at (not an easy feat). There are days I’m sure that company would not be a priority, yet the door is never locked when I randomly arrive. She tells me that I have helped on days that were bleak and seemingly hopeless, just by being there, yet she doesn’t know just how much she has helped me too.
Unconditional care and acceptance…there’s love in that.

And a fourth, who has messaged me every day for the last few weeks without fail, to make sure I’m still here, because he legitimately worries that one day I won’t reply…and I won’t be here. Even though he knows I don’t tell him how I really feel when he asks, he asks anyway and says that any reply is better than no reply. He brought me Halloween vampire donuts when he ‘just happened to be around’ from over an hour away, this week.
Worry and persistence…there’s love in that.

And then there’s this guy…my fish…and he uses the word ‘love’. That sharp-edged, complex, affective word.
We fit, and it feels right. It’s the part that escapes explanation, no matter how many words you care to try and string together. He came to me a long time ago and asked me to choose him, and I did, without hesitation. He asked me not to give up, and I didn’t, not once.
9a2418b665019ce75d2cb70ae9805c3cWe shared time, places and passions, and talked about histories, futures, faults, fears and dreams. We loved and laughed…and just…fit. He always left me wanting one more kiss, one more touch, one more word, one more of everything about him…and then one day… he just left.
And I can’t hate him, so the pain and the missing…there’s love in that too. Mine.
download-14People say that love hurts, but it doesn’t. Love does not hurt. Love is what’s right with the world. Love is both grand and humble. Love is feeling good and fulfilled and calm. Love is knowing that wherever you are, it doesn’t matter, because if you’re with that someone…it’s where you’re meant to be.
5da0cd94f20c7b38bdd4015732ac06f4It’s standing next to them and not feeling close enough unless you are touching their skin. It’s looking in their eyes and knowing without a doubt how you feel. It’s the smile a morning text can put on your face for the rest of the day. It’s missing them with every fibre of your soul when they are gone. It’s knowing that you will always feel that way. Love fills your cup. It’s unmistakable and undeniable.

It’s the absence of love, the people who don’t know how to love, that hurts.

Don’t get the two mixed up Kids…But always believe.







A different kind of light

I had a lot of big decisions to make this week. I needed quiet and space. Offline and away from other people completely. They are big decisions. Big. They mark finality and never coming back. They mark acceptance of a situation as it is, without the flowers and trim. They accept the fact that I can no longer change, try, fight or go on with anything the way it is.
One of them is the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my whole life, because no matter what else has happened, there is still love-even if unrequited, and there always will be. It means that I am throwing away hope, and any chance. And before I do it, I have to be okay with that. And I was not ready. Not for that. I’m not sure I ever really will be, but I had to at least be assured that it is my decision, and the consequences are mine to own also.
ed2370bd07853b147a527bf4c7bfc0dd.jpgI have needed to separate the truth from emotion. I needed to know that what comes next, is inspired, motivated, by the right things rather than just raw emotion. To apply logic over heart is not something I am familiar with. The hard part, is that I know I have been lied to and manipulated for so long, that I’m not really sure what the truth is any more. So I have to base my decisions on the things I do know.
grey10So I’ve kept away. Away from the white noise and the swirling torrents of advice and bullshit. Away from the world and sensationalists urging me to ‘do this’ or do that’ for the reasons they see clearly from the outside. Because nobody knows the full story, how I feel, or has to live it. Nobody understands how deeply ingrained in me it is. My side of the story can’t be explained with words. So I’ve had to live in my head, over my heart, scary at best. And ALL of my decisions have now condensed into two, that while still are hard, are simpler. They become binary, yes or no answers, based on the directly related facts. Still no easier to make and action, yet simpler to understand.
There are still a lot of factors that need to be considered to arrive at a conclusion, and I also need to let go of preconceived and given notions, which may not have ever been the truth to begin with. I need to clear away the shades of grey and see the situation as black and white. And once I have made the decisions, I need to stop myself from over-analysing and dissecting them over again. They need to be resolute, concrete…final. They are decisions which I need to be not only prepared for, but 100% sure of.

Both decisions are the kind, that I need to be both physically and mentally prepared for. Because while I am hurting more right now than I ever have before in my whole life, I am sure there is room for more pain. There always seems to be. When you think you have reached the thresh-hold of ‘all you can take’, the cliff facing gives way above you, and more comes pouring down. All you can do is brace and wait for it to hit. Right now I am standing at the bottom making vibrations…tapping the rock face…trying to figure out if unleashing the force of all that weight upon myself is the right thing to do, rather than letting someone else stumble under it by accident.

While we all have free will, and the luxury of making our own decisions, the biggest ones never seem easy. The hardest ones to make, are the ones we have to make. They’re never about money or material things. They are not the things that define us. They’re about our hearts, and how we choose to love or hurt ourselves or others. They’re about our own inner truth, and who we care for the most. They’re about whether or not we are the most important people in our own lives. They’re about who we want to share ourselves, and our time, with. They’re about who we draw near or push away. They’re about who we choose. Remember the tale of Romeo and Juliet? Some say a tragedy, but simplified, really just a true choice. They couldn’t be together so they chose not to suffer the pain of being apart.
fa73b922efbff4d572e2bf47d0df107bThe hardest decisions are about being honest in what we really want. And for me, this was it…the fight…
14368836_10153981790518727_6042025880586578387_n.jpgBut, in keeping away from the world, it has given me time to clear my head a small amount. It has given me time to just be alone, and think about what I feel is important to me, and what and who is not. It has also unintentionally shown me more about the people that surround me. Who gives a fuck, and who makes it quite clear that they don’t, who worries, and who finds it easy to just walk away.
51ab799d4dfb48165bdea5891c341379I wish I could say that among all this quiet time, I found my own answers. That I found positive clarity, and the motivation to move forward and blaze new trails…but honestly what I really found for the second time in my life, is a deeper sense of feeling like just completely giving up…or perhaps that I already even have.
35628158383db0e4b490f9a33493a568.jpgI feel drained and empty, pushed and hurt, on auto-pilot, and like I can’t put faith in anything or just about anyone any more. Because when I do, when it feels right, when I choose…something or someone tells me I am wrong. That I am nothing. Or not enough. That I can’t. That I shouldn’t. Or just to fuck off in general. Every time I fight, everything fights back. It’s an ongoing cycle of fighting to lose what I want, and I just…can’t do it any more.
13932807_864643720338132_6535210213639659548_nSo it’s time to accept the things I can’t change, make some decisions, and change the things I can. And then…well I guess that all depends…
98484423b702f803aa14a9c740b0e8beI hope your path is free of the hard decisions Kids. It would be nice to know the sun was shining somewhere in the world.

The point

13006741_1688023284769317_567428828587226332_n.jpgSo, it’s been a long journey, but I’m finally here. The point. Not the point of it all, or the purpose. Not the point of no return, where one must struggle forward, because the path back is gone. Unfortunately not the point of clarity, where in the distance you can see rainbows and unicorns, and are suddenly filled with a sense of knowing and purpose. The point where you think you have it all worked out, and then you don’t. The point where it’s all going to be okay, and then it’s not. The other less magical one-Breaking point. And I am so painfully aware of it.
a532db0ca224b66c870b267b6a5dda76After waiting, and hoping, and being stupidly positive for so long…it suddenly seems like the point has escaped me completely. In fact, I no longer see a point at all. Where I used to regard the failures as lessons and the problems as obstacles, they now appear simply as a string of events that have led me further down in a dismal spiral, which lands at a platform in the darkness. There is no ladder, no hidden door, and even if little Timmy knew I was down in the well, he sure as hell wouldn’t make the effort to save me.
563aa7540b652818ea5095369a3d42ccFrom here, it all just seems like a struggle, like too much. I can no longer ignore the little things. They are all adding up to be one massive phenomenally huge mind-fuck. One of epic proportion, and I can’t see clear of it. Thoughts just keep spinning and snapping at their own tails. Repetitive hopelessness and no way out.
12509038_530899627070343_1774638197232807965_nWork seems like just another thing to do to pass the time, passions have turned into ‘must-do’ tasks and relaxing is something I have to try and force myself to do, until the boredom gets the better of me and I do another menial thing. This existing gig is tough. And without a point…well…pointless.
The one thing that was driving me to do better, be better, work harder, think smarter, stay positive and believe…is gone. The excitement to face each day with the view that it could bring change, and promise of brighter ones to come has ebbed, replaced with the challenge to find any reason to wake up. The light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished, and replaced with a ‘fuel reserve is empty’ warning light.
13138984_814892068646631_1707311830874731575_nYou see, the problem is, I believed and gave everything, and now there is nothing left. With the world at my feet, I have nowhere to go. What I truly wanted in my heart has been taken away, and I don’t want anything else. Anything with what I had, would have been enough, and now I know that nothing without it will be. I had no plan B, no exit strategy. That’s the thing about passion…if you have an exit plan…it’s not a passion. It is your only choice.
28862266cfad467c132484632c563b68.jpgThe myriad of voices telling me that ‘You will be alright, you always are’, ‘you deserve better’, you’re smarter than this’, ‘You saw this coming’, ‘You’ve gotten through this before’, ‘Move on and be happy’, ‘let go’, ‘good things are to come’ all just sound like a raging ocean of white noise, with a foot on my head threatening to drown me. And every wave that breaks just reminds me of what I have lost. The one thing I searched for all of my life found me, danced across the shore for a while, and slowly slipped back out to sea. And there was nothing I could do but watch it wash away.
aa83d794c218ab998a3928a9152f77c1.jpgEverything hurts. Music hurts. Memories hurt. Thoughts hurt. Smells hurt. Pictures hurt. The overwhelming sense of being totally alone and out of the realm of anyone’s fuck-giving capacity hurts. Pain is the only thing that doesn’t hurt.
9b4388a89b91ec1875ff1a2267374507.jpgSo here I am stumbling through the darkness, with the realisation that I am no longer looking for the light. Because, along with the point, the light has demonstrated it’s lack of worth and ability to shine. I’ve resigned, therefore I can just stay here and exist quietly until even the darkness dims, and maybe then some peace will come.

If you have a passion Kids…one without an exit strategy, never give up on it. Hold onto it with every last breath.