This week has been huge. On every level and with every meaning possible. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually HUGE. I wrote a post a short while back about a development course I would be attending, based largely on sarcasm and defensiveness, my two main ‘go-to’ methods of human interaction. Ironically, they were two of the things I explored while I was there. And more than I would openly admit most, what happened behind closed doors affected me more than I believed it could (which is true of most things that happen behind my closed doors).
The program centred, not specifically on work function, but the ability to, well…function. To function in life. To function as an adult. To function as a balanced, or even an unbalanced human being. A human being with a massive backload of trauma, emotions and unresolved issues, to be more specific. Pretty sure that covers most of us, some more than others, a few of us in particular.
I went in the door, with a lot of people saying that I would ‘learn a lot about myself’, but I didn’t. I didn’t learn anything new about who I am, and I wasn’t particularly surprised by any of the test results, circumflexes, bar graphs or charts. But what I did learn, was ‘why’ I am. More importantly, I learnt that it’s not just okay to be the way I am, but that it is totally justifiable. I learnt that I look very different from other peoples perspective, to the way I look from my own. I learnt that I don’t need to change, but just to adjust my approach to some situations. I learnt that people can inspire others, simply by example.
I learnt other things this week too. And they weren’t from any trip or course. They were directly from the universe itself, and learnt simply by watching and really listening. They were through other people, and my reaction to any given situation. I learnt from inside myself, and painstakingly yet patiently, remembering and understanding my own emotions, and applying that understanding, to accept others emotional states. I learnt to give what I wish to get. I learnt to take a step back when needed, and a step forward when it should be taken. Sometimes it’s really hard to do, but often it can get you to better places, physically and emotionally.
I’m not getting ahead of myself and saying that I have suddenly been totally spiritually and emotionally enlightened. It was 3 days of introspection. Hardly time to dig deep into ones psyche, yet it did scratch the surface quite deeply. I still don’t have all the answers…But I do have the gateway to some of my own answers. I think I have stepped through into a space, where I feel more confident in what I want, who I am, and what I can achieve. I am perhaps one small step closer to becoming a more adultier adult. And every now and then, we have to look inside our own minds and hearts and actively do this, because essentially, and with few genuine exceptions…
So…that means we have to care for ourselves. There are only so many times you can self medicate with pain, adrenaline, alcohol, ignorance, or any other drug of choice, before they simply become another addiction. We have to give those fucks about what pains, tortures, and weighs on us. We have to be the ones to change our situations or make our choices, to find what truly makes us happy, brings us peace, and makes our lives better. We have to accept and understand, and then differentiate between the reality, of what seems like it will/does/should make living worthwhile…and what actually does. We have to throw out conventional thinking, perhaps let down some defences, and search for our own truth. Sometimes it’s right there in front of you.
One of the recurring themes in the material (and it was explained by concept, and then by research result) really struck my chord, perhaps because it is already in my truth. And that is, that our hearts react, most importantly, and most actively, to anything that life throws at us. It reacts, in fact, hundreds of times more, and faster, than logic/brain. Physically as a muscle, and emotionally/mentally, as a basis for our thought process, it reacts first. Our powerful hearts, in conjunction with our Limbic system (which centres on learned reactions, nostalgia, emotion, trauma etc), literally pre-determine coming events, and brace themselves for impact. Awareness changes impact and reaction. Simple equation. So…Love can ‘literally’ fix broken things.
That’s enough reflection for today. My head’s still spinning quite badly from the trip itself, and focusing is not doing me any favours. There’s also a grey, empty feel to the day in me, so perhaps resting my heart should take priority.
Take the time to take care of yourselves Kids. There’s only one you. And you’re worthy.