Breathe

Someone told me this week that I was ‘living the dream’. I thought it was a joke. They weren’t joking. Living. The. dream.
Because I changed my life in some ways, because I ran away, or moved forward, or however you wish to see it. Because I went my own way, in more ways than people realise. Because I did it alone and far away. Because I left my comfort zone, hoping for more. Because I made it…make it, sound so great. I’m pretty good at that by now. But look at Facebook..isn’t everybody these days?
So let me say this…if this is anybodys dream, then they have their standards set WAY too low. It’s just different. Period. And tonight, it’s far from a dream, it’s fucked. Last night it was tolerable, the night before intoxicated, the night before that similar, a week ago confusingly fantastic, the week prior very messy. It’s volatile at best. I’m volatile…at best. There’s lots of confusion and pain, anger and complication. Because that’s what people are. Complicated. And that’s what they do. Complicate. They take something simple and complicate the living fuck out of it.

And some days, when it’s grey and rain soaked and cold, all you want is love, and comfort, and to just feel warm and pain free. Just to feel once again, like everything might be alright. To have a moment that you can stay safe in, and not notice the world feeling like it’s crumbling down outside. Just a moment, where it doesn’t feel like everything is so damn hard, and forced, and fucking complicated. Just one moment, where somehow you…matter.
not-fragile-like-a-flower-fragile-like-a-bomb-grey-tank

There is no dream, there are just degrees of change. The dream has disappeared. There are sunny, good days, filled with smiles and distraction. There are days where I laugh and joke with friends, socialise and explore the world, and days where I want to be far from it all. And there are days I struggle to even breathe. I breathe, because the ratio of good to bad days is as volatile as I am, and the thought of not knowing what comes next wins. I breathe because hope is not yet exhausted beyond possibility. I breathe, because there are still moments, and as fleeting as they are, they are worth breathing for. In and out.

06b80533d3126a75654401198b2a58e6
So, I sit here and write this to calm myself, and get it out and away. I write, and draw, and make…to fill the time between moments, and in doing so, create new moments for myself. And I regain control of something that masquerades as momentary peace, but looked at more closely, is possibly just numbness. And I try to sleep, so I can wake up, and maybe the new day will hold more moments…

29598164_1367666453369187_4776153119053146702_n

 

Goodnight Kids
V

Advertisements

After Dark

So, I had this plan tonight. I was going to do the things. I was going to make the most of time. I was going to make the stuff. I was going to write the blog. And then I stopped for just too long to think. And I poured a drink, and the rest is history. After talking, and a lot of tears and memories, this may be possibly the best way to condense it all for now. Because I’m tired, inside and out. Because I’m hurting a lot of years worth of hurt. And because for the first time in a very long time…right this minute…I don’ t think I have anything left in me to say…

Screen Shot 2018-03-20 at 8.54.50 pmab1fb7486d49525a13b6befe179e109a27867344_1325232177612615_4903408076214966890_nec006b8ba2becb842aeee9ab55a7c3c2Goodnight Kids.
V

Truth Potato

Ba9K1KcHX1E-png__880This week has been huge. On every level and with every meaning possible. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually HUGE. I wrote a post a short while back about a development course I would be attending, based largely on sarcasm and defensiveness, my two main ‘go-to’ methods of human interaction. Ironically, they were two of the things I explored while I was there. And more than I would openly admit most, what happened behind closed doors affected me more than I believed it could (which is true of most things that happen behind my closed doors).

The program centred, not specifically on work function, but the ability to, well…function. To function in life. To function as an adult. To function as a balanced, or even an unbalanced human being. A human being with a massive backload of trauma, emotions and unresolved issues, to be more specific. Pretty sure that covers most of us, some more than others, a few of us in particular.
28058972_1324674627668370_342375400980101927_n

I went in the door, with a lot of people saying that I would ‘learn a lot about myself’, but I didn’t. I didn’t learn anything new about who I am, and I wasn’t particularly surprised by any of the test results, circumflexes, bar graphs or charts. But what I did learn, was ‘why’ I am. More importantly, I learnt that it’s not just okay to be the way I am, but that it is totally justifiable. I learnt that I look very different from other peoples perspective, to the way I look from my own. I learnt that I don’t need to change, but just to adjust my approach to some situations. I learnt that people can inspire others, simply by example.
BdczifKnv0d-png__880I learnt other things this week too. And they weren’t from any trip or course. They were directly from the universe itself, and learnt simply by watching and really listening. They were through other people, and my reaction to any given situation. I learnt from inside myself, and painstakingly yet patiently, remembering and understanding my own emotions, and applying that understanding, to accept others emotional states. I learnt to give what I wish to get. I learnt to take a step back when needed, and a step forward when it should be taken. Sometimes it’s really hard to do, but often it can get you to better places, physically and emotionally.
6abab300780df5bd4378a43d9adf154bI’m not getting ahead of myself and saying that I have suddenly been totally spiritually and emotionally enlightened. It was 3 days of introspection. Hardly time to dig deep into ones psyche, yet it did scratch the surface quite deeply. I still don’t have all the answers…But I do have the gateway to some of my own answers. I think I have stepped through into a space, where I feel more confident in what I want, who I am, and what I can achieve. I am perhaps one small step closer to becoming a more adultier adult. And every now and then, we have to look inside our own minds and hearts and actively do this, because essentially, and with few genuine exceptions…
BaT-FSqHieu-png__880So…that means we have to care for ourselves. There are only so many times you can self medicate with pain, adrenaline, alcohol, ignorance, or any other drug of choice, before they simply become another addiction. We have to give those fucks about what pains, tortures, and weighs on us. We have to be the ones to change our situations or make our choices, to find what truly makes us happy, brings us peace, and makes our lives better. We have to accept and understand, and then differentiate between the reality, of what seems like it will/does/should make living worthwhile…and what actually does. We have to throw out conventional thinking, perhaps let down some defences, and search for our own truth. Sometimes it’s right there in front of you.
BeIln2inSRl-png__880One of the recurring themes in the material (and it was explained by concept, and then by research result) really struck my chord, perhaps because it is already in my truth. And that is, that our hearts react, most importantly, and most actively, to anything that life throws at us. It reacts, in fact, hundreds of times more, and faster, than logic/brain. Physically as a muscle, and emotionally/mentally, as a basis for our thought process, it reacts first. Our powerful hearts, in conjunction with our Limbic system (which centres on learned reactions, nostalgia, emotion, trauma etc), literally pre-determine coming events, and brace themselves for impact. Awareness changes impact and reaction. Simple equation. So…Love can ‘literally’ fix broken things.
Bbj1djtH1ZT-png__880
That’s enough reflection for today. My head’s still spinning quite badly from the trip itself, and focusing is not doing me any favours. There’s also a grey, empty feel to the day in me, so perhaps resting my heart should take priority.

Take the time to take care of yourselves Kids. There’s only one you. And you’re worthy.
Cheers
V

 

 

An adult ticket please…

Someone said to me this week, that I was getting better at the whole ‘adulting’ thing. It was a sarcastic remark, relating to my out-dated fear of plane travel, yet it made me think about the whole concept of ‘adulting’ and what it really is. When we’re kids, we can’t wait to grow up and be able to do all the things that adults do, whilst remaining oblivious to the responsibilities and pressure it brings with it. An innocent and naive wish, filled with blurry dreams of travel, alcohol, parties, non-existent curfews and self government.

We hit the late teens/early twenties and it seems that it’s all roses, just doing whatever we want, and then by the time you start getting bills and paying rent, the whole sheen starts to dull. We realise that to play, you must first work, and quite often the obligations must be fulfilled before the pleasures. We start worrying more about social etiquette, and what the right and wrong things are. We are forced to become polite and diplomatic in many situations, and sacrifice things we really want for many different reasons.

But when it comes down to it, a lot of the things we see as pressure and crisis, are situations we have caused, or brought upon ourselves. Not to say that outside influence doesn’t play a role…sometimes shit just happens…it’s just that our reaction and actions in response to things, are what can make the bigger difference. If we remained calmer and stopped over-thinking so much, it could have a different outcome. If we stopped worrying about every possible consequence it would probably have a similar effect.

I aways say that ‘Life is simple, but people make it complicated’, and I really believe that. We don’t always prioritise the things we want, and the things we need, properly, ultimately creating confusion and stress for ourselves. We place a decent amount of over-importance on things we believe should be, and less on the things that really are. We put ourselves in situations that force or restrict our hand, and corner us into places we don’t want to be. But if we just took a step back and looked on it with simpler views, perhaps some of that pressure/stress might just melt away.

Prioritising things that matter now, things that always did, never really did, and things that still will in time, seems to be a good starting point. Things we can and can’t change, or overcome, and things we have to deal with as they are, slides into second. Things that we really want, and those that will help us get what we want.

More than all of that, adulting is about coming to the realisation that we are all just here for ourselves. It is all about you. It means we shouldn’t have to explain ourselves to anyone, to make excuses, or simply do what we’re told. That there will always be a really shit time, which will be the hardest thing you’ve ever felt, but it can pass or get easier to bear…if you can just hold on.
That we can have as many secrets as we want, and if people don’t like it, or you, they can go back to their own lives and get on with them. It’s about realising what is most important to you, and acting accordingly. It’s about not walking on eggshells around someone, or doing things simply to placate or please them, if you just don’t want to. It’s about being where you want, when you want, with who you want. It’s about allowing yourself to have fun, and let go when you need to. It’s about not having to get approval for anything you do, or judging others for their decisions (unless that decision is to wear white pants). It’s about being honest with yourself, and admitting who you are, and what you really want.

It’s about loving and protecting what’s important to you, and having the courage to do so. It’s about having the patience and persistence to see goals and dreams come to fruition. It can be about making plans, cancelling plans, or even changing plans. It’s about doing *some* things you don’t enjoy, but only for a greater self fulfilling purpose. It’s about honouring your word, to yourself and others. It’s about not being steadfast where you don’t need to be, and accepting good things that come your way with open arms. It’s about something totally different for every single person. There is no right or wrong way to ‘adult’. It really IS about you.

Have a plan Kids, or don’t. Figure out what really matters. And always stick to rule#32…
Cheers
V

Work it Out.

I am being sent by work, to Wine Country, to do a ‘personal effectiveness program’ soon, and the prep was to fill in a survey. It was a multiple page questionnaire on how you view yourself. This alone presents many challenges, the first being exactly how truthful you should be. I decided to BE. I was as honest as possible, to the point where they will probably be wondering why I am even fucking working there. They also likely now think I am a hostile, evil, twisted, socially unacceptable, nasty bitch. Oh wait…

It actually asked questions like ‘Are you hostile?’, ‘Do you follow?’, ‘Do you need to be accepted?’, and ‘Do you accept rules without question?’, ‘Do you do things just to receive praise?’ I mean FFS…really? Now I know there are people out there like that, but sorry, I’m not one of them. Is that a bad thing? A good thing? Indifferent? I was told the very first week I started, that I wouldn’t last. Not because I couldn’t do it, but because it would frustrate and infuriate me, being stuck in an office, behind a desk, with zero flexibility for creative input. People underestimate my ability to (sadly) deal with mediocrity when required, so here I am. There are perks, problems, and people. There are good people. There are small problems. The bills are paid. Done.

There are a lot of things weighing on my mind right now. Love, lust, loss and lethargy. The weight of the world on my shoulders. First world problems. My world problems. So, maybe I’m not a blazing ray of sunshine some days…ok, most days…ok, many days at all…but I keep up appearances where they are required, and internally stabilise my ‘losing my shit completely’ function. I’m really tired. Tired physically, from resisting rest, and emotionally, from being such an erratic mess. I’m tired of wanting more of some things, and less of others. I’m tired of wanting more from myself, that some days I just don’t have to give. And honestly, I don’t think there’s a ‘fix’. I think after all this time, I’m just accepting that’s the way I am.

One of the questions was ‘Do you overthink things?’. I actually laughed out loud. Then someone commented they didn’t think I was like that…that I seemed more spontaneous. I was almost speechless. I really had nothing. I was pretty sure that you could literally see the fifteen million tabs open in my brain, behind my eyes at any given moment. Apparently not as obvious as I presumed. That’s not to say I don’t make decisions that seem spontaneous, totally irrational, or just utterly self-destructive. But you should know that a LOT of thought goes into them first. My stupid decisions are certainly not impetuous. They are the result of a long and complicated, twisted process. Completely type A.

Then there’s the ‘Do you trust people?’, ‘Do you accept what you are told without question?’…Hell no. Why would I? I have been lied to and left wanting throughout my entire life. Part of the whole overthinking mechanism is to question the validity and reality of everything. Your brain just naturally takes every little aspect of words into account, from current situation, past history, intelligence, risk, motivation, emotion and perspective, to blind faith. Then you go one step further, and weigh up the possibilities and probabilities of what has actually been said being true. Then there’s ways and means of simply finding truths and details. And in that vein, I have also become very well versed in knowing more than I say. Keeping private things private. Secret things secret. My things mine.
The final question was the coffin nail, if ever there was one…’How comfortable did you feel answering this survey honestly?’. This was maybe the question which determined whether you were really a people pleaser, an anti-social bitch…or perhaps just how much you value your current employment situation. I figured if they don’t already have an inkling of what I’m like by now, then I probably shouldn’t be there. I have a filter, but it’s not a very strong one. And I’ve been told on more than one occasion, that what my words don’t say, my face gives away, so there’s that.

Anyway, I’ll be amongst it, with all the touchy-feely vibes soon enough, and know if it’s a worthwhile endeavour, or if finding out more about me, will just make these people turn pale and question their HR department.
Either way, it’s something different, and hey…we may all learn something new.

Cheers Kids,
V

 

 

 

Next.

This year has taught me a lot. A lot about who I am and can be, what I have and do not have, and what I am capable of both achieving and enduring. It has brought big changes both emotionally, physically and geographically. I have made and lost friends, favour and decisions. I am no closer to figuring out the secrets of the universe, but have found a few of my own truths. I have found happiness in the small things, pure and simple. I have found sorrow in the things I have lost, which does not fade.

I am not making any resolutions as such, but along that parallel, perhaps some firm decisions. They are decisions to better myself emotionally and physically. They are the things I want for myself, to make life better every day. They are more adjustments than changes-to mindset and body.
The year ahead is just another year. It holds no more promise, or threat of doom, than any other. Good things will happen. Bad things will happen. We will lose and gain. We will think what we think, and do what we do. There is no more or less possibility held in its clutches than any other year.

Every day holds potential, it’s what we make of it that counts. If we get caught up in the trivial or mundane, and let it just slip by, we lose the whole point of living. We are not here to live for anyone else, to just work and pay bills, or simply be. We are here to live for ourselves, to relish, to experience, to see and feel. We are here to be unique and individual, to create, to inspire, to motivate and to love.
This year will be about furthering my education on self. It will be about prioritising who and what should receive my daily fucks given. It will be about what’s really important to me. It will be about including the people I really love or care for, and doing things I want to do.
There will be plane tickets, ink days, coffee dates, concert tickets, shoe shops, leather, truth, midnight video calls, chocolate cake, Irish whiskey, dog treats, uncontrollable laughter, long hot showers, art days and much more.
This year will be about being unapologetically me. About trusting where the journey leads and accepting good things if they happen. About knowing what feels right and not giving up. About realising worth. About accepting people for who they are, including myself, and not giving a fuck what others think of that.
I hope the light is on at the end of your tunnels kids. If it’s not, be that light, and fucking shine for yourselves 😉

Cheers
V

The value of what we have

MatThingsWhat we own, doesn’t define who we are. Who we are defines what we own. We make up our lives and surroundings from who we are, and our means to do so. What we have does not make us any more or less of a person. The choices we make and actions we take, mean more than nuts and bolts or strips of fabric. How we treat others, is what is remembered, and savours or sours. Possession defines how the world views us superficially, and is either a vain or true reflection of how we want to be seen.

But when it all boils down, what is really important? What would you honestly miss if you lost it today? Would it really be the things that you own? The furniture, antiques, shag rugs, framed posters, appliances, outdated stereo systems, flash car, boxes of shit whose contents you can’t even remember, piles of backdated issue magazines from ‘quilters are us’, matchbox car collection, cd’s, gaming consoles that never see the light of day?

Those are the things, and things I could let go of (bar my coffee machine-and NO I don’t own quilters are us magazines) in an instant. They are just things. I would trade it all in a heartbeat, for what I no longer have.
218069-As-You-Get-Older-The-Christmas-List-Gets-Shorter

What I miss, is not a what, but a who. The only material things that are important to me, are the things that hold memories and sentiment, and the ‘things’ that live and breathe.

And that thought in turn…leads to the time of year. The most wonderful time of the year, that is upon us. When we are socially bound to give and receive. When our gift giving lists ebb and flow with guilt and obligation, to give to those who we receive from, including Aunt Mildred twice removed, who sent the hideous, fuschia, fluffy, embroidered bath towels with matching scarf. When children expect iPads and the latest expensive gadgets, and rescue animals are handed out like candy, only to be later discarded like wrappers. When Christmas Day is spent buzzing from one place you have to be to eat, to another place you have to be to eat more, until you finally collapse in a food/exhaustion based coma.
2ddbf451b3ec9094a22f322f31de9048--star-wars-christmas-cards-christmas-door

Christmas is supposed to be a festive time spent with loved ones, yet for me, it is anything but. It has the opposite effect of being a heart-wrenching time, that simply reminds me of what I do not have. While people chitter about gifts and Christmas lunches, holidays and family, I smile and nod. I listen politely and hope they don’t ask me if I have plans, or who I will be spending the day with. I remain cheery and festive and wish them a wonderful holiday.

Because, I would prefer not to tell the strangers who ask, that Christmas is simply a stark, blunt reminder to me, of losing everyone and just about everything that has ever been important to me. That, even with several invitations to join others for Christmas, or alternately have company, I feel like I would rather lock my doors, and tell the world to just fuck off and leave me the hell alone, to miss what I don’t have in peace. That I want it to feel like just another day, that isn’t worse than all the others. That spending the day with anyone, simply means I have to fake smiles and cheer, and pretend that my heart isn’t crumbling. Because it will not be with the ones I love. Again.
original

For those of you who are spending the day with the person you love, the people you love, with love…treasure it. Never take it for granted. Make it special, and mean something. Remember how it feels to be there, in those moments. Take your pictures and then put away your phone and be present. Smile, talk, hug, love, laugh. Share the most important gift you have to give with the people that are important to you…your time.

Cheers Kids,
V