You spin me right round Baby

The last few weeks have been a fun ride of ups, downs, and fall downs. All the usual mental turmoil prevails, yet health has been in the spotlight moreso recently.

The first issue is a curly one, more specifically Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo. This is a joyful condition, especially to someone who suffers from motion sickness, that makes the room spin in circles, when you lie down or twist the wrong way.
In case you have not yet got the full effect of what this feels like, from the short description…think back to the very first time you were SO sick from alcohol, that you said you were Never ever ever drinking again, EVER. You know, where the smell of that one type of drink, now makes you reactively dry-reach just by the smell? That uncontrollable dizzy, spinning, feeling that makes you want to involuntarily throw-up. That about sums it up. Now imagine it’s there ALL the fucking time. Description over.

The even better part, is that although they can tell you it is caused by a twist or knock to the head/neck…there is no cure/solution for it. The only way to help it, is by actually inducing episodes, and hope it eventually fades away. My bone shrink said I had the most extreme reaction to the test she had ever seen. Did I mention it’s been fun few weeks?

Then there was Friday. I dragged out of bed, where likely I should have just stayed there. It was warm and comfy, and there were dogs to snuggle. But no, not this little black duck. I got up and went to work, arriving late due to the weather, and to a myriad of small problems awaiting already. So, at lunchtime I escaped to go and get food.
We’re driving back, ready to turn into the side street, green light…car speeding recklessly toward us. Car doesn’t brake for red light. Car doesn’t even show signs of imminently stopping. I mention this faintly, and thankfully my driver hesitated long enough to make the decision to stop.
Other car screams past, along the centre of the tram tracks, just brushing our nose as we felt the water spray go by.

Just two seconds, and by calculation, Friday would have been over. End game, thanks for coming.
I came home and hugged my girls for an extra long time that evening. I stayed in. I figured all my luck was used up for the day.

I was at a crossroad of whether to cancel plans for the weekend, or enjoy the fact that I was still here to make them, so I did both. Cancelled the more strenuous peopling, art and rainy day in, walk in the rain, sunshine and markets, catch-up with a friend, movie watching with my girls, packing, unpacking, errands, trying new foods, and chores. Trying to create some sort of life balance, that my emotional and physical body currently lacks. Guess we’ll see how it all pans out by tomar night, to say if it’s been successful or not, and maybe by the end of the week for a little further insight into the rest.

Hope you’re all taking time to take care of yourself Kids.
Cheers
V

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pUddLes

23721947_10213636886330180_1378277082_nAnyone who knows me, knows that I’m not a huge fan of children. They ask questions, and make noise. They interrupt *ahem, whatever-shutup*, they wake you up, and they smell funny. Occasionally there’s one or two that are tolerable, but in general “it’s a no from me”. And much like cats, if they know you don’t like them, they gravitate to you, but that’s another story.

There is one thing about children though, that I like, love…adore. Their…purity (for lack of a better word). They are untainted by Society in general. They give NO fucks! They LOVE or HATE everything. They don’t get embarrassed or ashamed of the way they are, or what they do. They find joy in so many things, that we have forgotten all about.

So, to illustrate, there have been two such instances this week, that have inspired this ramble…

The first was last night at a gig. There was a little girl, 5 years old, there with her Father. She wore a band shirt in the smallest size, fitted like a dress, so proudly. She asked Dad what he was doing with his hands. As he explained, she held her arm out, palm upturned, and slowly but surely retracted one finger, then two, until she had formed a perfect tiny devils horn. Sure she had it right, it flung up and swayed with the music. At the beginning of every song, she signed with the crowd. I refrained from asking if I could take a photo, because let’s face it…that’s just a bit creepy. But the world really missed out on seeing this. She lasted the entire show, and then walked out telling Dad how fun it was. I know 30 year olds that probably couldn’t do that!

Today, the heavens opened with a vengeance. The lightning show was dazzling and the thunder actually frightening. Walking down a laneway, the woman next to me screamed so loud, that it actually made me jump.
But, bunny-hopping along the next street, giving not a single fuck in the world that it could be the storm to end us all…was a little girl. She wore teeny little leopard print gumboots, and her eyes scanned the walk ahead of her for the biggest and best puddles to play in. She would ready like a pouncing cat, and jump with a splash. Satisfied with her effort, onto the next reservoir she moved. Her eyes held nothing but concentration and fulfilment.

As I wandered home, I wondered when exactly it is, that we lose our wonder with puddles, and nature, getting caught in the rain, the beauty of a storm, and all the other simple things in the world? It seems that life and love are simple, but people make it complicated.
I stopped to pet the resident street cat, and from there I figured…when in Rome.

Let’s just say there were plenty of puddles along the rest of the way home 😉
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Cheers Kids-enjoy the little things-again.
V

Deep down and hurty

In the past two weeks, I have been told that I am broken in 3 different contexts, none particularly nasty, yet quite resounding. This pertains to the physical.  My poor shell has been a little worse for wear lately, which unfortunately has affected the inner workings also. Some stuff happened, which left me somewhat bent out of shape like a crunchy pretzel, and I currently have Vertigo. I have had it once before, and it really messes with me. It encapsulates about 3 of my fears into one awful affliction. Perhaps self inflicted, perhaps not, yet it still leaves me in a state of constant fear and disorientation.

Today, only after discovering acute pain points in my back yesterday, I thought I’d finally try and get something done about it. I booked a massage. What could be the worst outcome…I said to myself. If it didn’t work, at least I would have had a nice massage right? Oh. My. Fucking. Holy. Mother. Of. GOD!

To begin with, being mostly naked has a distinct way of making you feel quite vulnerable, especially in front of a complete stranger, who is about to become intimately acquainted with your skin. This fragile looking young woman slips into the dimly lit room and puts on some soft music. Towels are draped carefully to cover all exposed skin initially. Shuffling…then silence, broken only by the lilting of pan flutes. Pan flutes! They create an air of tranquility right? It was a LIE!

Now, I don’t know exactly how she got there, but the next thing I feel…she is kneeling on my back with her elbows firmly embedded in the soles of my feet. She proceeds to (what I can only assume, as I was too scared to look) tear clumps of muscle from my calves and reattach it. She spins around and works her way up my back on her hands and knees, quietly adding “Let me know if too hard?” At this point, if I had any breath left in my body, I’m not sure what I could have said.

Her deceivingly strong, devil fingers applied oil and heat balm (in all likelihood in case I died) then pierced my upper back, and wrapped around under my shoulder blades, to lift them from under the skin, and twist them to the correct angle. As she bunched the muscles in my arms, fists were involuntarily clenched and released, and I think there’s a possibility my shoulder muscles are now contained safely under the flesh of my palms. She lifted my skull and tucked my spinal chord back under there, possibly reattaching it to whatever had become disconnected. And at the end, I’m pretty sure she twisted my neck to breaking point. Hot towel, little pat on the back, and “You can sit up now”. Umm…nope.

After a few minutes, I feebly redressed, and made my way out feeling numb and unable to face daylight. I’m fairly confident that there is a strong impression of my breasts, hips, and some internal organs left on that bench. When the feeling fully returns to my body, I’m hoping that it worked, or at least helped some.

Always read the fine print. Ow.
Cheers Kids.

 

Just play

Tonight, as the pungent aroma of sex lingered in the cool air (more specifically Dr Marten black shoe polish and the scent of fidgety hands from a leather steering wheel) someone reiterated the fact to me that I was not ‘girly’. Nodding, I gave my kick-arse boots a last flick with the soft flannel cloth, and smiled at the shine they had freshly acquired. They’re right, I’ve never been good at the super-femme thing. The surprise that I now have my nails ‘done’ reflects on faces (I only do it so they get stronger and I can change colours). Wearing a dress never fails to inspire comment, and heels even further. It’s not that I don’t like feminine things..I just don’t think it’s really important, and I would rather be real or interesting, than pretty.

Everyone is born with natural talents, and it just takes a while for them to discover what they are. I guess some never really do, but most would, simply because these things just come naturally to them. The below quote from one of my favourite flicks, illustrates it perfectly…
Skylar: I don’t understand how your mind works.
Will: Do you play the piano?
Skylar: I wanna talk about this.
Will: No, I’m tryin’ to explain it to you. Do you play the piano?
Skylar: Yeah, a bit.
Will: Okay, when you look at a piano you see Mozart, right?
Skylar: I see “Chopsticks.”
Will: Beethoven, okay. He looked at a piano, and it just made sense to him. He could just play.
Skylar: So what are you saying? You play the piano?
Will: No, not a lick. I mean, I look at a piano, I see a bunch of keys, three pedals, and a box of wood. But Beethoven, Mozart, they saw it, they could just play. I couldn’t paint you a picture, I probably can’t hit the ball out of Fenway, and I can’t play the piano.
Skylar: But you can do my o-chem paper in under an hour.
Will: Right. Well, I mean when it came to stuff like that… I could always just play.
PeopleDoBestNaturally_124721There are certain things that I could always…’just play’. English, writing, reading, composing words, is the first. I’m not perfect at it. Hell I’m not even great…but I love to do it, all of it. At school and university, it took absolutely no effort whatsoever to breeze top grades at it, and endear myself to its teachers. If a passion can be loosely defined as some thing you love, and love to do, then these would be in the realms of one of mine.

Art is another. I excel at this even less than words…but I love it also, for many reasons. I find it quite difficult to maintain my confidence in myself with my artwork, as it is so easy to be misled or distracted by the work of others in comparison. It has taken me a very long time to stop comparing and let others simply inspire, motivate and challenge me.
21291718_10213047451634681_1007559060_nBut art gives me something that I cannot function well without-time. In the space when I create, everything else blurs and dissolves away. My brain switches all the other tabs to ‘sleep’ and focuses on the details, the curves, the ink, the lines. Invaluable time.

The third thing I have always wanted to ‘just play’ is literal-the guitar. From the first time I picked one up, I was intrigued with what type of sound I would ever be able to extract from it. They feel comfortable and nestle against your body like they were made to love you back. To be held and wrapped around and become a part of you.
For the first 37 years of my life, nobody ever took the time to show me, teach me, allow me to learn (except briefly my 5th grade teacher Mr Gonzales). Finally I found someone I could learn from, who inspired me, who actually wanted to teach me, and had the patience to… so I grasped at the basics. At this point, I should probably add, that guitar sadly is not one of the things I can ‘just play’. But determination and desire is going to win here, and I am slowly learning little by little.
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The last few weeks have been ridiculously busy, early mornings, late nights and little free time. So today, with a day off…I went and got my girly claws cut back to ground zero (only on one hand-haha) and booked in some proper lessons. I can’t wait. I’m sure they can’t either…I already explained that I’m neurotic, nervous and basic, so they have been forewarned. But I will do this. If I can, or I can’t…I will give it the shot it deserves, because it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. If nothing else is reason enough, that is.

What is your thing? What can you just ‘do’ with your eyes shut? What do you gravitate to naturally?…it could be your calling. It could give you the direction you need, or the peace that you crave.
Food for thought Kids.
V

69 just means F*cked either way

So, it seems that one topic keeps surfacing lately. Maybe from lack thereof, or maybe it’s just the universe reminding me it exists…Sex. *omg she said it* we hear them whisper in hushed tones of discomfort.
It seems that no matter who I am talking to, or about what, it gets a special mention for one reason or the other. So why not just bring it out into the open forum. Never really been one for shying away from blunt topics anyway.

I told someone in jest today that it feels like I might just die soon, because it’s been so long without, and they went on to trump my meagre timeframe by at least double…and this was a guy. And he didn’t even care. Huh?
I told someone I was ill this week, and they joked that perhaps my virginity was growing back. I’m sure my use of the term ‘re-hymenating’ in the conversation would amuse a certain friend to no end. I should have been angry at the suggestion considering the circumstance, but I’ve not ruled it out as an actual reality, so I couldn’t be…As much.

In any case, it may not have been quite so long as it sounds (and no, that number is none of your business), but what I’m talking about when I say ‘sex’ is the real stuff. Not the shallow, meaningless, whatever kind. The intimate, passionate, connected, comfortably amazing kind. And it’s out there, just not from the people that send a plethora of dick pics and one line, badly spelled text messages.
It’s in late nights and early mornings. It’s in short drives and hotel rooms. It’s in nights of drunkenness and laughter. It’s in sleepy Sunday mornings and midnight awakenings. It’s in short greetings after long absences. It’s in every days and beach picnics.
It’s in glass houses and steamy kitchens. It’s in hot showers and big, soft, sprawling beds. It’s in distracting thoughts and carpet burns. It’s in tilting your phone, so nobody else can see the picture. It’s in moments you can’t forget, even if you try. It’s in a simple touch or look. It’s still there.

I think the problem, or not problem if you should look at it in another way, is really that I don’t want to just settle. I don’t need to lie on a bed next to just any warm body that’s around, to feel like I have obtained worthiness or popularity. I’m not selling out my emotional to the physical, or vice versa…I want both or nothing.
I don’t want to be with someone I don’t feel that connection with, with all the passion I have. I don’t want the ‘next best’ thing. I don’t need to be with someone I wouldn’t want to give my all to, regardless of whether or not I ever would again. I don’t need the easy road. I know what I want. And regardless of what anyone else thinks, I know that it’s as simple as simple can be, no strings, no bullshit, no empty promises.So while the world concentrates on hunger, poverty and missile warfare, I’ll just be over here sulking about my own completely selfish first world problem. The struggle is real, for now.

I hope whatever you’re getting, is putting a crazy wicked smile on your face. Life is short, and long, and hard. Own it.
Sweet dreams Kids
V

 

 

Hustle and heart

So, I wanted to write a blog, but the topic…well, there were too many. I couldn’t isolate, narrow down, minimise.
I still have a story to tell, but now is still not the time *put the popcorn away*. That’s for a more level-headed later.
Instead of trying to make coherent sense of all the thoughts, I’ll just write a list instead. Of…things. Things in my week, thoughts, realisations, learnings, re-visits, angers, delights & other…things.
It’s not advice-I’m not qualified or self-assured enough to give it. It’s just ramblings, because I’ve had a tiring week (mine work differently to yours) and today was hard. I was angry and venomous, and I knew it. I need to find some positivity, so I can find sleep, and wake up in a better frame of mind. There has been so much rapid change, I needed to find ground, run my toes through it’s sand, then dig them in deeper and feel the grains.1.’Things’ can be hard to let go of. It’s hard not to relate the things we own, to being a part of who we are, so in many cases, it can be hard to let go of them. If we have them for a long time, each passing minute makes us feel like they are more ingrained in our character…but they are not. The things we own, are merely a reflection of who we are-an extension. We are no less without them, and if we let them go, we make room. For new things, other things, or simply just open space. We create a gap that can be filled with change and forward motion. Sometimes we need to de-clutter our lives to make it better, or give ourselves the opportunity to redefine our image, or bolster/rediscover our sense of self. Letting go of anything important is not easy, but it can be so very worth it.

2. Sometimes the smallest gestures make the biggest impact. A smile can bring a smile, a helping hand can bring a blessing (Actually it was “Bless your heart, and every other part”-Haha), remembering a name lights up eyes, or circumstance, and knowing unexpected things brings engagement to another level. Say hello, use their name, pat their dog…just making an effort means the world to some people.

3. Know who you are. Don’t be afraid of it. Your emotions and moods and quirks. Your fetishes and fantasies, dreams and reality, passions and peeves. Take the time to get to really know what you like and dislike, and how you react to things. Be ok, with you. Really know…and understand it. NEVER apologise for it.
4. Accept who you are-own it! There is NOBODY else out there on the planet like you. Be brave enough to feel, to love, to anger, to react, to defend, and to do exactly what you want and how you want (as long as you’re not hurting others intentionally in the process). And I mean how YOU want. Not how others think you should, or how it is expected. You are enough, and there are plenty of people out there that know that, or soon will. If you ever feel like you are not enough, or too much for people…then they are not your people. 5. Don’t settle. Life is a journey, and a tough one. Adulting sucks, and loss and heartache and loneliness. But love…love doesn’t suck. It can be amazing if you do it right. And puppies are awesome, and warm pan au chocolat, and walking in fresh air, and new places, and good (or if you’re lucky-fantastic) sex, and roast dinners, and pampering, and loud music and, and, and….
Small delights are to be found in every day. We hurt and heal. We experience a huge amount of emotion, and there are adventures everywhere if we stay open to them. You never know where being honest and brave can take you. Settling is a limitation we place on ourselves when we don’t feel we can do, or get, or deserve any better. Don’t settle, please. Please.
6. Love and like are completely different things. When we love someone, or are in love with them, we just are. They can do silly, awful, disrespectful, hurtful, or indifferent things to us, and we continue to love them, just because…we do. The human heart and brain don’t always see eye to eye. But that said, we can still feel the impact of those things…we can still not like them for what they do, or who they are, or how they are. We can still get angry or upset with the things, the words, the lack of anything. But love is steadfast. We just need to understand the difference, and act accordingly. Because no matter how much you love anyone else, the first person should always be yourself.Well, stick a fork in me…I’m done, and as someone said to me in the week..it’s getting too late for philosophy or anything that doesn’t involve sex. Time to join the monsters on, and under, my bed.
Goodnight Kids, thanks for listening.
V

Spray-paint, name tags & great coffee.

I promised you my story…but it will have to wait for another day. Today is a little cloudy, and while things sort themselves into fashionable order, I will take the opportunity to just share a few ‘in the meantime’ thoughts.

I’m having a night. One of those ones I haven’t seen in a while. It’s not exactly ‘bad’…just flat and grey and I know in the corner of my mind, like a catching a fleeting glimpse of something…something is not quite right.
It’s been a long week. Oh…hang on…It’s been a long few months!!

While I haven’t been super forthcoming with details (with nearly anyone-don’t worry, you’re not being singled out) my whole life has changed. Why?…because I made it so. Because it had to, to save my sanity and self respect. Because there just comes a time when it should. And I knew it was exactly that time. Time for change.
Someone said to me this week, that it seemed I had a new ‘persona’. It was interesting, because all it really meant, was that that person had never seen/noticed this side of me before. I haven’t changed, I’m just more of me than I was before. I still can’t decide what I want from a menu in less than (at least) 5 minutes. I still have trouble crawling from underneath warm covers in the morning. I still have an unquenchable thirst to create and be inspired. I still run through the house singing, and crash tackle my dogs when they’re not expecting it. I still love rainy nights in and clear nights out. Strong coffee always features in my day and I smoke cigarettes.
Those things are parts of who I am, but they are not all of who I am.
Maybe the thing that’s changed, or just become more obvious, is that now I have found this place that I love. A place I actually want to be, explore, and let inspire me. And I know what I do want, don’t want, and what I deserve. My boundaries and desires have become quite clear. And from somewhere, I have tapped back into my reserve of independence & self-confidence to establish in my mind, that I am completely capable of achieving.

You see, through my life I have been respectively told that I am nothing, nothing without someone else, that I am plain, and that I …cannot. And I have repeatedly taught myself that I can.
Maybe I am not pretty or feminine or delicate. Maybe I don’t inspire second glances or stand out in a crowd…but I am beautiful and colourful for who, and as, I am.
Maybe I don’t make the most money. Maybe I am not a world celebrated artist or business owner. Maybe I have not grappled my way to the top…but I am proud of my achievements and strength.
And maybe I cannot do everything I try…but at least I try.

And now I am here, in this brand new chapter, feeling pretty brand new. I am experiencing new things, and trying to feel every moment of the present for just what it is. 3 weeks ago, someone I had literally just met, looked at me and asked me point blank “Do you always run away from things?” And I replied…”No, I’m not running away…I’m moving forward”. It was either forward or down, and I decided I’m not ready to go down just yet.
One day I might tell you where I am, and what has changed, but right now that’s just geography. The important stuff, is where I’m at. And it’s a better place.

It’s pre-school bedtime hours for me tonight kids. Have to be up early with the morning people, but I’ll be around the way again soon.
Hope you are all well, and looking for your better place…if you haven’t already found it. Maybe you have and you just don’t know it?
Cheers
V