Kaboom

d940760c4a3b970c32c5514b2624e980An open letter to those through my entire life that have chosen to hurt me.
To those who have chosen to hurt me physically, emotionally or mentally. To those who have lied to, stolen from, cheated on or had any ill intention toward me. To those who have abused, stalked or threatened me. To those who have left scars whether external or internal. To those who have chosen to use me for their own gain or selfish purpose, and those who have chosen to treat me as an afterthought, or like I am nothing.
To those who have broken promises, made thoughtless, fleeting empty promises, or chosen to promise more than they were ever intending to deliver.
henry-rollins-quotes-1-455x300I don’t hate you, there’s no reason left to hate. I don’t forgive you, there’s nothing left to forgive. You are irrelevant. I appreciate the experience you gave me. You were a valuable life lesson. You taught me about the kind of person, that I never want to be.
06dfa512fdd330defc481b8b1af1c1e8You taught me how important it is to keep promises, and to only offer what you can afford to give. You taught me about the value of real friendship, and love, but also more importantly, the value of self-worth, independence and determination. You taught me how important it is to stay true to myself, and believe in what I want. You taught me passion, and how to fight with it. You taught me the value of hope against all odds. And both the value and dangers, of trusting those who should not be trusted.
51adb2740f6bde7b7f74c054f1d031deYou taught me that even though we are all in this world together, we are also still in it alone. On this journey, I have made the best of friends, in the most unlikely of people and places, and I have also shed meaningless, cold, soul-leeching people from my circle.
c850748fabdde14af0dc55a9c818779cI have found that hope is so important in moving forward, and only the reason for it changes. I have found that no matter how well you think you know a person, you will never understand them completely, and that life and people are as unpredictable as each other.
08412f69d93a516b355feca95b5dd9f8I have learnt that no matter how much the universe conspires to put two things or people together, there will be just as many forces trying to tear them apart, and the difference in success, is unity in the belief of one or the other.
50b56657a2b8bc839236adc905e61043Neither words, feelings, nor depth of love can make any difference to the way a person views themselves or the world. If a person only wants to see clouds, they will never notice the sunshine. And if they reject hope, it is not theirs to embrace.
62e391d5e1b37711d50170a9f9ee3553.jpgI have learnt that the strongest people can be manipulated and controlled as much as the weakest ones, if not more, as their emotions and beliefs are stronger, and once in place cannot be altered. They have the strongest connections to guilt, love and survival all at once.
eb8c678cea192340c3e96fb9b8c0bc83I have learnt that the ones who say they love you do hurt you the most, not for wanting to, but just because they can. And I have learnt of myself, that I do not regret loving or caring for anyone in my past, because loving them did not make me a lesser person, but what they chose to give in return, defined who they were to me. Not bad people…the wrong people.
mushahiI do not regret speaking truthfully in any situation, regardless of whether the same respect was given in turn. While we are what we do-not what we say, our words are the starting point to create expectations and promises, that we can either choose to live up to or default on. Neither do I regret my faults and mistakes, or admitting to them, regardless of sacrifice or consequence.
The only true regrets I have are wasting time that would have been better spent living. As someone said to me recently…”When I give to those I love, I don’t give money…I give time, because my time is what I gave up to earn it. Money means nothing, time and what you do with it, is everything”
b1f3c86c195a1ef57d39d04943384080I have learnt that, while talking to people can help give you clarification or direction, ultimately you must choose your own path, as you are the one that has to live with the consequences or outcome. That you should never change yourself to suit someone, because if they truly loved in the first place for who you are, you won’t have to.
579f1a81bd8be34b920745b491f6a5f3And now…now I am learning for myself to see what it is I want. The value in my own decisions. The places I want to go, things I want to see, learn, do and experience for myself, because…time. And this…I am sick of doing this…
cbe8339422051e6dca593d8da45598a9I am a loud, passionate, stupidly spontaneous, planning, type A, slightly OCD, vindictive, cautious, scared, conflicted, overthinking, slightly odd, introverted, insecure, emotional, unstable, intense, opinionated, neurotic, fucked up, scarred, strong, impetuous, dark, nostalgic, optimistic, confused, reckless, logical person with a twisted sense of humour. I believe I escape simple definition by any standard.
In my life, I have encountered one person that I love completely, just one, who came close to understanding or accepting that, and chose to love me, either for it or regardless of it. And then chose not to.
bf6f1078f70d1c66b47e0f30787f1040And I am not scared, but now I am out of preferred options (at one, it was realistically quite limited anyway),
…so I am choosing to accept it all for myself…and love me.
Three years ago I got this…
12683_10201510184130204_1877931657_nBecause I will always believe it is true. Love is not the enemy…and it can fix broken things.

Cheers Kids.
V

Trust

You know what I am? I’m a pretty little battle scarred 20 year old, living in the body of an almost 40 year old, not quite aesthetically pleasing, almost has been. Not has-been in the sense of anything important or not yet fulfillable…but just has-been almost successful, almost had her fairy-tale ending, almost fulfilled those dreams, almost everything…just almost. The saddest word in the history of vocabulary (besides fucking ‘bae’)

And just because I have had so many ‘has-been’ moments…you know what. I DON’T FUCKING CARE. I’m not giving up. Not on you, or me…or anything. I don’t subscribe to the ‘too old’ theory. The aim is to die young…as late as possible. Every day is for living, not existing. You are right to be cynical… because we are not here on some mystical journey to reach fulfilment at the end. To reach some Nirvana or higher purpose. We are here to live every day. How do we not get that??? That we need to make the most of every. single. fucking. day!!!!

Seriously? Why do we pander to people, keep the peace, invest so much in material things, care so much about money and time and THINGS. Why do we care so much about people who couldn’t give two fucks, in anything more than keeping up appearances? Why are we so afraid to follow our hearts and let go of insecurity and despair and darkness, in the face of possible light and love? Why does it seem so impossible when it is staring you right in the face?
10309343_719096304814184_3986443309623066442_nAre we really such cynical, hopeless, hurt, damaged people that we can’t accept the fact that there may be something in the world that is pure of intention. That someone may love us with no alterior motive. That a person could love us so entirely for who we are, despite our flaws and deceptions. Because you know what?…there fucking is.
6e48c052356cdeeb16e1283e16bb407bYou see, love doesn’t judge by skin colour, history, race or religion. Love doesn’t judge by baggage, scars, childhoods or flaws. In fact, if you could ask Love itself, the question…it would say your flaws are endearing, because they make you exactly who you are..and it wouldn’t have you any other way, than just who you are. You. You are perfect.
10385470_932649836745189_4345930380019519524_nLove make you see an imperfect person perfectly, and that is because they are perfect for you. EVERYONE is damaged. EVERYONE has history, baggage, hate, hurt, loss. But not everyone finds the person that they fit with perfectly. Not everyone finds someone, whom the universe conspires so desperately to bring together, that they cannot remain apart. It is an occurrence so special that it cannot be denied, no matter how much you try. No matter how many excuses you employ, or how many distractions come along. You simply cannot. So why do you try so hard?
b0fae99b6a220996980541c448a6c162BELIEVE. Believe that love can be pure and good. Believe that the universe can be right. Believe that you can let go of all the past crap and move on. Believe that the people that love you, and are supposed to stay in your life will do just that. Believe that you are worth their love. Just believe. Believe in something more. More than you or them or everything. Have faith in love itself.

Goodnight kids, feel free to kick on, but I’m exhausted.

Cheers V