I’m F.I.N.E


People have problems. Everyone. They have their own problems, problems that others put on them, and all the drama associated with both of those. We all do. For fleeting moments life seems simple enough, and then suddenly like we just bounce from one overwhelming problem to the next.

I have problems too, and because everyone else has their own, that doesn’t make mine less important. Less noteworthy. Less worth fixing. Less anything.
Therein even lies one of my problems…someone actually had to tell me that. That my problems were not secondary to anyone elses. That I am worth something-anything, and that being selfless for too long, sometimes leaves no self to return to. I couldn’t even see that. Maybe still can’t see it. But I heard them tell me, so at the very least I’ll remember that someone sees it, right?

My problems hurt and make life difficult, and some days make me want to throw myself in front of a big, fast truck. On the bad days, the truck is slower moving, but still big.
They make me wonder why I am here, or who else even brutally honestly cares that I am.
They don’t help in reassuring me that I am doing this adulting thing correctly, or even following any recognizable textbook-like diagrammed structure of it.
12891580_967842239936737_1711783811367660248_oThey make me prone to emotional outbursts, some days for a good reason, and some days for absolutely no reason at all except that the feeling you have in the pit of your stomach and bottom of your heart, leaves you no other choice… and you just do.
They make me want to scream and smash things, and then very carefully pick them up and tenderly fix them again. Sometimes people. Apparently that makes me a Psycho.
11021191_930490166989688_1445135375666569662_n These problems encompass my love of my girls, and whisper to me on long, dark, lonely nights, that they would be better off with someone who could love and care for them better. These small creatures know nothing of the fact that watching their peaceful, warm bodies sleep and gently snore soothes and reassures me, and they are often my saviours.

The problems, they make me worry that I might not make the registration due date, vet bills, fuel costs, shopping list, rent… or perhaps even just through the night.
My problems make me dislike, hate and resent people (not all) and the world, country and system we live in as, often people who try hard and want to succeed are the ones who can’t. Who are stood over or stood on. Who are exploited or worse, ignored.
anxiety.pngThey make me cry, a lot, when all of the people who say “But you are so strong” and “But you’ve made it this far” aren’t watching.
Because it is true. I have made it this far. And I’ve felt and remembered every day of the journey, all that’s been said and done, all I’ve lost and gained. And here I am…this far…with all of that inside my head. Being here is not about being strong. It’s about believing there is more. And it can be good. With the right person. In the right place.
c29cd59d66a1e3ca6cc6149069a55a92They conflict me and make me question if I am being true to myself and who I am, or yielding to the problems, whims or ideals of others.
They make me resent who I am, and my inability to be stronger, better, smarter, prettier, more successful, clever, wealthier, slimmer, right or… good enough.

My problems have though, also taught me things. Not everything, most still escape my tiny brain completely, but small amounts of invaluable knowledge and lessons on both reality and how it works…and sometimes how I do.

I have learnt to claim my own problems rather than blaming them on others, the world, universe or next Prime Minister. It doesn’t make them any better or easier, but at least you realise that you have control of your choices, even if not what they are limited to or dictated by. Sometimes it makes it worse, knowing that there are solutions you are not strong enough to explore, because you know how much it would destroy  your heart.

Problems compound if you allow them to, or don’t deal with them. One leads to another, smaller things add up, lies, complications. If you let everything get the better of you all the time… If you don’t let yourself see the positive side of anything and allow that a problem can be resolved, then you are ruling out the chance that it will.
12063827_557360704424235_2162235482967206768_n.pngI have learnt that nothing worth waiting for ever comes without the wait, the fight, the patience, the determination and passion for it. It needs to be what you really, honestly desire, otherwise you give up, you walk away and you don’t deserve to look back.
968e0e0ea3805c0b92eadbd7d18be7ec.jpgI have learnt that if you are willing to remain open-minded to possibility and want to find it badly enough, every problem has a solution. It may not be one we wish to face or feel good to action, but if it is a solution it will be that. At crossroads, we need to do what we want and need for ourselves to improve life quality. The decision to implement or deny applying that solution however, is our own choice, usually based on love, fear or priority.
sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple Dr. Seuss quote.jpg

I have learnt that all the big problems, the real life challenging stuff, require change. These ones mean that something either has to change or has to give…whichever happens first. Chances are that either option will hurt someone and/or change lives, but it also usually means that at least one someone is already getting hurt, and perhaps more whether they even know it or not. It also means that everyone involved will feel the change and move into a different, new place in their life. Anyone outside the situation directly may pretend to, or really believe they care, but ultimately if they are not affected…they don’t give a fuck what you do or who you are with, as long as you are at least okay. And it’s none of their business.
e6cc9a972ba6f0f50034c751ac2f569d.jpgI have discovered that patience is an illusion. I am not patient. Patience is simply the ability to remain calm while the storm rages inside your mind and heart. It is the ability to appear composed and functional while you wait for what you want. It is silencing of our thoughts, for almost the sole purpose of pleasing another person. It is a well presented lie.

I have learnt that your problems must be dealt with in your own way, from your own perspective and knowledge, and most importantly in your own time. Listening to others can provide outside insight, but unless they are in the situation, it is opinion based on an incomplete view of the bigger picture, with limited knowledge of the characters. You are living your life, problems and all, and only you know what feels right and wrong and what is best for you. Only you know what can heal you, where you need it the most.
makemestfu_02I have learnt, and am learning every day, that whether you confront your problems or not, whether there are solutions or not, whether you are facing them alone or not, whether you can see hope or not, whether they are in your heart, head (or even just purely practical) …all problems are just straight out fucking hard.
Hope is a saving grace, because while we have that, we are holding onto the very thought in our mind that, in the end it will be okay..and it’s not okay yet…so it’s not the end.
While sometimes it may look and feel like we have no control at all, we always do. It is never totally out of our hands. Sometimes the options within our reach are just not the ones we want directly.
images (27)And the last thing I have learnt about problems in general, that I shall impart amongst this late-night rampage on the universe before signing out…is back to the opening paragraph. BE KIND. Everyone has problems, and they are no bigger or smaller than yours. Help where you can. Give experience or understanding where it would help. Be honest always. Try. Let them know how deep it is. Just be there, and understand that sometimes there may just be nothing at all you can do except exactly that. And you know that, because you know how it feels to be on the other side of the equation in your own experience. Also understand that NOBODY truly understands how you feel except you, but if someone is willing to try, or accept and love you regardless, than that is rare.
Hold onto your hopes Kids,
they might just hold the solution you are looking for.
Love can fix broken things. And not everything is as broken as you think.




Luck or Fuck!

So, tonight we established that I am the least boring person on some of my friends contact lists. While they are safely tucking their children into bed at night or working in a routine job…I am out getting into trouble.
It’s not the fun, anticipated ‘Yeah let’s run amok’ kind of trouble, that I would dearly like it to be however. (Seriously, It’s not like I try to get into these situations). We also did establish, that it was not simply a case of over-reaction to small drama, and blowing it out of proportion either. The kind of trouble I end up in is usually legitimately serious, random and seriously fucked up.

Allow me to give you a few recent examples, just to clarify exactly what I am referring to here…
*I get employed on Xmas Eve for an 8wk work contract which I needed… then the contracting company goes bust.
*8 weeks ago I break up a dog fight…and get both arms torn open with two fractures and muscle damage.
*4 weeks ago I get a cough… which naturally turns out to be pneumonia serious enough to be hospitalised for.
*I’m not even touching on my personal/romantic life here, but you wouldn’t understand or believe half of it, and let’s just say it’s been a long few weeks.
*And then there’s tonight?!!?………….

I was walking home (just keeping totally to myself) on a fairly badly lit stretch of road between my house and the shopping centre nearby. Nobody else was around on a cool, quiet night. Just me, walking along absorbed in my thoughts. I just had time to spare and a few last minute things to pick up, and purposely left it until the stupid pre-Easter rush was over. Headlights started coming toward me and I noted they were moving a bit faster than I was comfortable with. That thought there prooooo-bably just saved me some more hospital time. ‘A bit faster’.

As the car skidded sideways, crunched onto the curb edge, sending concrete chips flying, and jumped onto the grass fronting the footpath I jumped backward. The back end of the car slid around and skimmed across my leg, catching on my jeans and dragging me around with the car, before finally the denim gave and tore, letting me fall to the ground clear of the wheels and bumper. The driver hit the gas, made it back onto the bitumen, and sped off up the road. At the next corner I heard wheels squealing again and then they were gone. I didn’t see the plates, although it was pointed out that I was close enough, I probably could have read them like braille.

So, as I collected my gear and brushed myself off, I stood contemplating what just happened, and whether I was lucky to be still able to stand up, or unlucky that it happened at all? I checked bones and they all seemed to be intact, so I started walking home again, noting the speed my heart was now moving at. Every car along the stretch made me flinch a little, and the key in the door was a welcome click. Yes puppies, Mum has made it home safe from the fucked up concrete jungle once again. Just.

Just one small scrape on my cheek where a piece of concrete hit, just below my right eye was the only evidence anything happened at all, and I have a serious backache from landing on the ground, but that will fade. I can still walk…

I asked three people-Lucky or unlucky? The first said “I don’t believe in luck, it was meant to be, as it happened.”
The second said “What’s with you? Be careful, you know it comes in threes!” and the third said “I don’t care but I don’t want you leaving the house, using sharp implements or cooking with a stove”

I made a hot coffee with a dash of Amarula and went out for some fresh air with the girls…then I looked up and noticed… Aahhh-huh.
moon-waxing-gibbous-3-4-2015-Billie-C-Batrb-Whidbey-Island-WA-e1425554902935Enjoy the crazy, Kids. You only get to do it once.

In sickness…or wherever else

Cute sick dog in bed with ice pack on her head
Being sick is no fun. Being really sick is worse. Being really sick and all alone is no fun at all.
Two weeks ago, a Friday night, it was just an irritation in my throat. I thought I had been taking relatively good care of myself lately, and despite feeling a little tired and a lot stressed, I had no idea my health had slipped to this point. I had started regular workouts again  and decided to quit smoking that night, pending a phone call.

So, to just get past this dry, scratchy throat and I’d be on the home stretch to feeling better…

So, just to clarify what Pneumonia feels like to those who don’t know…apparently it presents as a dry, scratchy throat…and then suddenly…DEATH (warmed slightly). A thick, deep, tight, cough, blood, lots of blood, rasping for air, headaches, hot and cold sweats, vomiting, fever, burning hot eyes and tense stomach pain from all the incessant coughing, lethargy, discomfort, loss of appetite, helplessness.
Then there’s the tears, because you feel so damn awful, and you just don’t even know what to do about that. It doesn’t seem to be getting better or going away. It just feels like you will be like this forever, and maybe just die right here in this hot/cold flushed spot, huddling your dogs to try and suck every ounce of body heat from their uncomfortable furry little bodies, while they wriggle to get away, yet want to stay and make you feel better simultaneously.
phpThumbSo, two doctors later, it was a trip to the hospital courtesy of the banana truck (ambulance), with the transport officer stating several times for the record that I was ‘extremely unresponsive, and if my breathing didn’t slow soon, I would hyperventilate’. (Just for my own record here, I wasn’t unresponsive, he was just a jerk).

Within an hour or two I was stabbed, prodded, x-rayed and connected to bags, tubes, needles, who knows what else, and they had booked me in for the luxury package 4 day stay, for the low low price of your sanity/dignity (or what’s actually left of it). Pneumonia in both lungs and a secondary viral infection causing chest and throat infection with pharyngitis. Apparently all quite uncommon in someone as *cough* young *cough* as me. Guess I’m just special.

Within a 4 day bracket, they pumped 5 litres of iv fluids, 3 courses of extremely harsh pneumonia specific drugs, painkillers and half a litre of uncut penicillin into my screaming veins. I started going stir crazy lying in a hospital bed, tethered by plastic tubes and machines that beeped, and then screeched, and then flashed warnings at me when I tried to bend my arm slightly in defiance…or even discomfort.
12834929_10208021394866403_2078361689_nAnd now, I’m out…home, free, recovering, and one other thing. 14 days Smoke-free!
The decision to quit was pending a phone call, which I did receive that night. So I quit. Of course, being sick likely made it easier to stop. I was sick, coughing, feeling awful…yet for the first three days I was still craving cigarettes. The fourth day put an end to that, and I haven’t really wanted one since. I chopped up and threw away what was left in my last ever packet and haven’t regretted it.
images (26)I am very aware that I no longer do it, and sometimes look for a ‘thing’ to do to fill that gap in time…but it’s not a cigarette I look for. I’m pretty sure that I’m feeling better for it. My lungs filtered out the pneumonia and all the toxic smoke junk all at once I think, so while it may have been ‘cheating’ to quit now, it wasn’t easier-trust me. A mass exodus of all that rubbish from your body all at once, is probably the most feral thing you could imagine and then some.

Last night was the first night in over 2 weeks (or 5 months really) I was actually feeling human again. A hot (kind of) home cooked meal, excitement, affection, and the perfect medicine to make a full recovery. A week now, to get some energy and strength back, and everything will be even better again. Yes, baby steps, sure. But steps. Forward steps. Steps.

Keep moving Kids. If you stop still, they’ll try and tie you down. And take care of yourselves.