In and Out

2022So, I have this friend…(really I do, it’s not a euphemism) that is in a spot of emotional crisis. Okay, so it’s not really just a spot, it’s more like a life-changing crossroad. They’ve got to this point where they’ve invested in something huge, and now realised that the game has changed. It happens. It happened to me, and plenty of other people I know…but it’s a big deal. It all sounds complicated, but it’s not, it’s simple…but it’s a big deal.
She has fallen out of love.
images (6)It’s something that happens over a long period of time, with all of the small things adding up over time. All of the ignorances, unnoticed feelings, unappreciated gestures, unresponsive actions put together, make a relationship change and falter, and then one day you just stop. You don’t just stop loving, but you stop and think about how you feel and who you have become. Really stop and really think. And you realise that while you may still love that person, you no longer have any of the feelings that prove you are in love with them. The spark is gone, the romantic attraction, the desire to give them your all.
It’s hard. To realise that is hard.

When you get to this point there’s two courses of action. A million things you can do, but really it all boils down to just two choices. Stay or Go.
You can choose to subject yourself to a life of plain contentment at best, with the distinct possibility of always contemplating the ‘what ifs’, knowing that you still have affection for the person, or you can cut and run. The second option sounds awful. Especially when you type it in black and white, but it is what it is, and amongst the ‘awful’…it’s not.

You see what option two is, is a massive combination of emotion, selflessness, selfishness and hurt, which eventually equates to peace. Bear with the logic here before you start with the wtf’s.
If you are no longer in love with a person, that means that you are no longer the best thing for them, and they are no longer the best thing for you. You both deserve to be with a partner that is not only in love with you, but holds you sacred, loves you more than they could describe, wants you-both physically and emotionally, would go to the end of the earth for you, thinks of you, feels incomplete without you, wants to be a part of your happiness, and a whole lot more. The best thing for each other.

So you can choose option two or you can stay right here…
images (7)

The other thing I learned about the moment when you come to this stunning realisation, is that your partner may have reached exactly the same point. It is likely that you have been so wrapped in your own emotional state, that you have also failed to see that they are next to you, holding back from having the same conversation you are. Not always, but in my case, it rang very true.
Option two gave us what we both really wanted, but were holding back from saying…freedom, and a chance to move on and find new happiness, before the years and opportunities wasted away.
4de544dacf201ada6edd9ce8f22f34e8I know I haven’t really touched on Option one much here, but that’s because I believe something. You may disagree if you wish, but that won’t change my belief one bit.
I believe that if you fall ‘out of love’ with someone..it’s gone. You don’t get a second chance or a resurrection. You can try all the date nights, romantic weekends, counselling, and talking you want. You don’t get it back. It’s gone. Sparks can’t be re-ignited, they are sparks…that’s their job.
flat,1000x1000,075,f

So I didn’t tell her it would all be alright. I didn’t tell her to just stick with it, and that it may change. I didn’t tell her that it was anyone’s fault, or what she should or shouldn’t do. I didn’t tell her it would pass. I didn’t tell her to leave, or to stay. I didn’t tell her I understood how she feels, because I don’t. Nobody does.
She is a friend, so I told her simply that I would support any decision she made, that she knew where to find me should she need somewhere to go or someone to talk to (making it clear that, I am probably the last person qualified to give any sort of relationship advice), and that she should do what was in her heart.

She is a strong, beautiful woman, and I know that she will make the right decision. And I know it won’t be easy.

Take care of yourselves Kids,
V

 

 

Advertisements

You filthy animal…

download (1)You know the old saying “A leopard never changes it’s spots”? Well if you’ve ever said it, here’s a few things to consider…

Firstly, you have resorted to using a phrasing that compares people to animals, to try and describe their actions, because obviously there is no other way?…like just perhaps saying “She’ll never change her ways”, “He’s always been a nice guy” or maybe even “He’s always been like that, don’t know why you didn’t see that coming”.

Secondly, it really is true. But then again…why shouldn’t it be? We use it to explain the way in which people don’t change their actions, when what it really means, is that people don’t change their nature. Your nature revolves around the basic principles which you were raised on, coupled with the experience that life has given you, and the lessons learnt. Your nature is whether you are, at heart, a good person or a bad one. Your nature defines how you treat yourself and others. It cannot change, because it makes you, and is an ingrained part of, who you are. The only part that can change, is what you choose to do with it. Who you, to a degree, choose to be.

Furthermore, you need to look at the underlying reasons why people do things. Sure, they may have done something hurtful, but was it for the greater good? Was there a totally logical (maybe even just to them) reason for doing it? Were they even aware it was hurtful? In most cases, people don’t do things that they can’t justify to themselves, as being good (or at least not bad) in some way (unless animals get hurt, which is not excusable). Usually it references some kind of bad behaviour, but behaviour is something that can, and quite often does, change. It’s usually situational, so is it fair to judge a person based on this alone? (Just in case you thought that was only rhetorical, the answer is actually NO).
91QpGqjjGAL._SL1500_If you know a person and expect, or want, them to change, then maybe you should be taking a long hard look at yourself, as to why you want that. If you say you love them and want them to change…look deeper again.
34551122112605462ZcCjZT2QcBecause, if you do love them….you should love them for who they are completely. You should want and accept them the way they are, spots and all. You shouldn’t want them to change, unless it is completely and selflessly for their own good. You should  make the effort to understand their nature and why they do the things they do. If nowhere else in life can you display patience, this should be the one place you do. The differences in people make life as interesting as the commonalities, and you should celebrate them both equally.
Commit to your decision. Learn. Expand.
Because you knew they had spots from the start.
The truth is…We all do.
il_570xN.143759188All that said, if you are more of a ‘stripes kind of person’, then walk away. Cleanse, free, find your stripes. Find the person, or people, that ‘fit’. Find the ones who make the effort to understand you.
tumblr_maphligXBw1qz5va1o1_500
As you can choose to be, like, and accept who you want…you can also choose to surround yourself with people, whether they be friends, colleagues or lovers, who compliment and enhance who you are. Those who not only love and accept you, but also like and respect you, for who you are.
Because it may do you to remember, there will always be someone out there comparing your spots to stripes too 😉
SurroundYourselfWithPeopleWhoSeeGreatnessInYou

Food for thought, take your time to consume and digest.
‘Night Kids
V

Isolated not medicated

This week could really only be described as…emotional. I’m not sure why, but my thoughts, feelings and spontaneous reaction time to events, have been very sensitively linked for days. I’ve had a mix of good news, not so good news and really bad news. I’ve seen a rush of the bad, insensitive, depraved and cruel side of the world, through the ever-watching Big Brother eyes of Facebook in just a few days, and it’s left me feeling like I should take a break from the interwebs. A break from people and the awful, heartless things they do. A break from seeing it, even though I know it all happens. A break from the things I can’t fix.
do-you-know-how-helpless-you-feelOn top of everything happening in the cyber-world, I’m intensely missing someone in the real world, and having my own work/life related personal issues. All of these things put together are creating a huge sense of isolation and emptiness. It’s not loneliness…just…feeling so separated from people, and yet wanting to be at the same time. It’s hard to explain and even harder to understand. Maybe that’s it, I don’t think anyone does, or has…me…ever.

I know this is more than likely just a phaze feeling that will pass (until the next time), but it’s also hard to ignore when you suddenly get upset about things that you see on a constant basis, however this time, this post…it has you grabbing tissues, and just giving in to the deep uncontrollable, nobody can hear you, sobs. That should probably tell you there’s more to it.

It was coupled with this overwhelming sense of, what I couldn’t find any better descriptive word for, than ‘helplessness’. Not inwardly, but in relation to everything I was watching unfold. Knowing that of all these things affecting me right now, I just suddenly felt helpless to change anything, to result in an outcome which would make the feeling go away. People, their actions, free will, technology, greed, lack of compassion or empathy, indifference, thoughtless arseholes…can’t be changed.
Before-you-diagnose-yourself-with-depression-or-low-self-esteemI just have to make it through this fog covered marsh for just a short while longer, without getting stuck in the mud, and there is dry land. I can see it from here, remember how it feels to be curled up safe and sound, almost feel it. It’s just that lifting one foot after another gets so tiring some days. Through the slush of hate and anger and carelessness that the world omits, and into safe arms, a warm body, and all the good things. Where all of that nastiness can happen outside, but it can’t get in, with it’s thought consuming fuckery.
twilight_stuck_in_the_mud_by_masemj-d6dxyap

The next week or so is going to be difficult, but if anything is worth the wait, this is. It always has been. So I’ll be trying to shake this funk, and get on with things until the time comes when I find that smile I can’t control …patiently… *cough*
bigTake care kids
V

I’m melting! (and it feels great)

It’s been a while, so I figured it was time to dust off the keyboard and flick up an update on my state of mind. This itself is a scary concept, so I’ll just brush over the surface. You’re welcome.

A looong time back I mentioned the ‘getting back into shape’ thing. It all started on the 1st of September last year to be exact. I wanted to look better, but more importantly feel better about myself. I posted this picture as a kind of a goal.
images (24)Well skip forward to now and I have been slowly keeping at it, with rise and fall results. There are weeks that are better than others, and weeks where I’m better at sticking to it all. Some days the exercise and food plan just seem a little too much to bother with. I’ve had help, which I appreciate greatly, and so at least have more knowledge on how to achieve what I want.
So….this was today…
IMG_6658vThese were my favourite, quite snug fitting jeans a year ago. The picture really doesn’t show the ‘baggy’ to it’s full extent, as I now have to use a belt to hold them up (as I uncomfortably found out at the supermarket a while back). I wear them around the house, and have started wearing jeans a size smaller, that didn’t fit me a year ago at all. It’s not as impressive as the picture above yet, but I’m pretty happy with this.

The rest of life in general is a combination of things. Stresses about everyday things and trying to survive them with sanity intact, but overall, it is a lot calmer and happier than it has been in a very long time.
love-lifeI have things to look forward to every day, and bigger things to look forward to in the future, which all in turn help me focus on what is happening right now in front of me.
It’s a strange feeling to not have so much of that painful emptiness inside, to not be constantly fretting about something, but certainly one I am looking forward to getting used to 🙂

That’s enough for today Kids. Take care of yourselves.

Cheers
V