…And then?

The last two weeks have been great! And if you have any idea just how fucking long it’s been since I’ve been able to say those words, or anything akin to them, you’ll know how big a deal it is. My mind is still reeling from the actuality of how I feel right now, and it’s a really great place to be. My mind. Because everything in it feels better. Like it’s finally healing, and lighter, and more positive.

After a a hiatus from the social world for longer than I care to admit, I’ve gone out twice in the last fortnight, and stayed in once or twice socially also. As if just the act of doing that wasn’t positively reinforcing enough, every encounter was awesome, and fun, and unexpected, and eye-opening. They were all definitely a “Fuck Yes”.
I discovered new places, new people, new conversations, new looks, new things to do, and well…a few other things 😉 There was a frantic bus trip (which felt more like a rally race) at 4am, a secret hidden rooftop bar, many drinks, lots of walking, lots more dancing, good food, late night conversations, bad food, sharing secrets, and plenty of good company. It was all…wow. Just wow.

Getting back out there into the world after being closed off for so long, can be a daunting prospect. But these past few weeks have been plain sailing. Some really unexpected (I may use that word a lot-lol) fantastic, bold moments, and the follow-ups to those moments even better. Traversing those moments without the build-up of baggage I was previously holding, felt a lot more fluid, and positive motivation from friends was the cherry on top. It sure felt good to share good news so many times for a change.

So, after a year of existing in a new City, now with a new vibe, I’m finally ready to try living in it. Explore it. To look on it in a different way, and find out if it fits better than it has before. To break it open and let myself trickle through the cracks, the alleyways, the rooftops, the dimly lit streets, the bright breezy parks, the small corner cafes, the bustling live music joints, and the ocean fronts. So, when I travel again, I have a place that feels a little more like ‘coming home’. Although I already suspect that I already have more than enough reason, for that to seem more enticing now.

If things look dull, never forget that life can change in a decision, or even just a moment, or two, or three.
Cheers,
V

Just passing through…

There’s a really old turn of phrase that people like to use, when they think they have weighed a situation or person up on your behalf correctly. They say it to you, when perhaps they have previously issued a warning They say “You really dodged a bullet there”. It’s an obvious statement. A ‘bullet’ was fired at you, in the form of a situation, proposal, person, or any other form. Also quite obviously nobody wants to get hit by a bullet, due to the following carnage and loss of vitals. Simple. You avoided something bad.

On the flip-side, nobody really wants to talk about what happens when you don’t. When you don’t dodge that ‘bullet’. It becomes more awkward. When you don’t see the ridiculously obvious (to some) full assault coming at you, as actually a bullet. Or when you know it is, yet choose to just brace, and hope the impact will be a whole lot easier than they say it will. Because, I mean honestly here, how many of you have actually been hit by a bullet? Sure they say it hurts sure…but, did you die?

So, without going into detail here…I’ll share how it feels to get hit, and what happens from there forward (at least in my experience). On contact, it’s kind of euphoric. You feel the impact, but not the pain. It’s almost deliriously consuming. The pain comes much later. Then, over a 20 year period, the bullet winds it’s way through you, impacting most of your internal organs to the point where you feel it may render them useless (specifically heart, liver & lungs). It makes it’s way through your entire being so slowly, that at some points you just want to give over to it. Then there are periods where the pain stops, and you feel hopeful again.

Then BAM! sub impact, nervous system down, brain function impaired, back to square one. Because the betrayal of anyone pulling that trigger, is the worst of its kind. It’s the kind that sneaks up behind you, cocked and loaded, while you have been ushered to look away. And twenty years. That’s how long it can take for that bullet to travel through. At moments, it stops moving and lulls you into a false sense of security. The pain is over. Plain sailing. A light at the end of the tunnel. But the worst is yet to come. Or as it happens, the best.

This delicate dance of torture and joy ends in a way that you would expect a bullet to. A huge gaping exit wound. But that, my friends, IS actually the best part. Because an exit wound, means that the bullet is gone. It is a defined and obvious moment, that any trace of the bullet, that has cut through you, has now left your body for good. And it’s a clean hard exit, with no trace of any gentleness or remorse. It has left painfully yet quickly, leaving you with no doubt that it’s absence is anything but a good thing. It’s behind you. Gone. And you have experienced what it is like to be hit by a bullet. Chances are, you’ll move next time. 😉

The only sad part of an exit wound, is that if the projectile has been allowed to gather enough speed, it may continue on it’s path to hurt any innocent bystander, that just happened to be behind you. Perhaps its long and arduous journey, has slowed its next impact. With hope.

The other positive thing about an exit wound however, to end on a brighter note,…is that once the weight of a bullet is gone, you start looking for other things to fill the hole where it once was. You can patch yourself up. And if you have the will to, (which you may unexpectedly find sooner than you’d think) you start thinking of filling it introspectively, with positive things. Things like figuring out who you were before you had an inanimate object in your way, or moving forward with the relief of being unburdened by that weight holding you down. And you might find yourself surprisingly okay with that.

Take care of yourselves Kids. Keep your ears to the wind.
Cheers,
V

In the absence of…

This post might be a little askew, because…well, I feel like writing, but I’m not really sure what will come out. For some reason, emotions seem to be at an all time high right now, and I can’t really figure out why. Nothing is going very wrong, and similarly, nothing is going super right. Perhaps that is where the confusion lies. I’ve spent most of my life ricocheting from one situation of drama, pain or joy to the next, and now in their absence, I am feeling a little lost.

I had this great inspiration in the shower last night, of a flowing post to write. It has since dissipated into the blue yonder, so I guess it just needed to be said and not written. Sometimes, I guess that’s all words need. To be released from the cell in our minds. Sometimes they have no greater purpose than to help us make sense of things to ourselves. Quietly. Alone. In the shower.

I guess I could waffle on about how my life goals have changed a lot, how I’ve realised that an introverted path is what keeps me sane right now, or how in contradiction I still long to do some overtly social things, or how I’ve made both good and bad life choices recently. But honestly there’s really not much new to speak of going on. Tonight there was just an insanely bizarre philosophical conversation about the state of the world in general, and now there are a lot of memories, and a few tears to go with them.

Perhaps I’m looking for motivation to do the things I really want to do, but have no time for at this point? Or inspiration to find something that will bring me the peace or happiness I feel like I’ve been forcing? Or perhaps I just want to be okay with not doing either of those things for a while?
That concept in itself seems strange to me. I wrote here once that ‘People who have known me for a long time, know who I am, and most seemingly accept that I can be both a focused and passionately driven leader and achiever, and a focused and passionately driven emotional mess. Sometimes it’s even a little of column A and a little of column B. To be absolutely clear…I regret neither’. Yet right now, I feel anything but focused and passionately driven. I feel like I am going through the motions, and it’s fucking Groundhog Day.

To make it worse, beside a few bonus points, this getting older gig sucks balls too (and not in a good way). At least that’s what I’m blaming most things on until I find more energy to change the physical components of my own bullshit for the better. Things that snap and break don’t seem to bounce back and quickly, and once they do, they’re never quite the same. The mysterious bruises and scrapes that show up are never from things that were quite as fun or memorable (or unmemorable in many cases). Doctors love sending you for x-rays and ultrasounds and m.r.i’s, yet don’t love giving you definitive answers. Lifting heavy things is less exhilarating and more painful…and don’t even get me started on bending over to pick shit up. Most of those things I’ve recently dropped on the floor, are dead to me now.

I have however with this age, gotten more passionate about the things that are not particularly relevant to me. The real hard hitting stuff that causes lengthy debates, and barely affects my life directly one iota. Like atheism, gender labels and flat-earth theories. Not in a negative way (because I’ll accept anyone or anything that meshes with me, as history and my eclectic friend list illustrates) but in a way that if you try and shove something down my throat that I don’t want there, you better be prepared for the consequential and highly detailed explanation, as to exactly how you can keep your unsolicited preaching to yourself. I’m always up for the initial chat, and banter to follow, but I will shut it down as I see fit. That’s the beauty of becoming a 40+ self-aware introvert and/or jaded. I couldn’t fucking care less what anyone thinks of me and my opinion.

But the overall most important thing to remember about the words in this post, are that they are temporary. Because everything is temporary. The way I feel, and think and life in general…even the state of the world. It can, and usually does, all change change on a dime. I could win lotto tomorrow, or get hit by a bus, or magically drop those ten kilos, or have an epiphany, or…just wake up feeling totally different. (In reality I can’t win lotto, because I have no ticket, but you get it). This is me right now, and ‘tomorrow me’ could be a more well adjusted human being. Stranger things have happened. Most of them were alien abductions, but that could happen too.

So, that’s probably a good point to bid all of you fabulous, and awful, and in-between humans adieu for another night. I hope you all are feeling like you have a much better bead on your direction right now. I know I’ll get there, and I’m really quite okay that I’m not there just yet. Life is about the journey. We learn along the way.

Cheers Kids,
V