It can’t rain all the time

rain-puddle
So I woke up and today was miserable. I knew it was and worse, would be from the minute I hesitated to even open my eyes. Something in the air maybe, a feeling, but it was. Usually the rain on the roof makes me feel all safe and cosy, tucked up in bed, but this morning all it did was make me want to stay there, and hide deep under the covers, away from the world. Away from things I didn’t want to see or hear, and adult things I had to do. Just away.
The grey light splintering through the curtains just looked gloomy and uninviting.
I almost did stay there. Almost.

Since I moved in here, I’ve struggled to find days where the place actually feels like ‘home’ at all. ‘Home’, such a comforting, warm concept. It’s become so fluid, it seems it’s not even a place for me any more.
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It feels like I’m balancing on the edge of temporary and the unknown, and this, between these four walls, is just where I keep all my stuff. Stuff is seemingly getting a whole lot less important at that, these days.
The only thing right now that really feels like home, is when the light goes out and I feel the steady breathing of a warm body or puppy snuggled up next to me.
I woke myself up and got out of bed. I did.

While the rain poured and the sun eluded us, I decided to get rid of some more of that stuff. Lighten my material burden and create more space, menial tasks to keep my brain distracted. I unpacked half a dozen bags and boxes that had been strategically pushed aside from the move (for 6 months) and threw out junk I had been keeping, for who knows what reason.
While my girls lazed, watching and sighing loudly with boredom occasionally, I went through drawers of clothes and anything that had not seen light in this house went out too.
I actually threw more things out. I swear.
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In the process, I tried on a pile of old clothes that were reluctantly bound for goodwill (didn’t fit any more) and found that they actually do fit me again (Some only just, but I’ll take that), whereas some of my current wardrobe just doesn’t. I managed to look on the optimistic side and swap out some ill-fitting jeans, for my beloved barely worn Levi’s and skull print jeans, which I thought would never fit me again.
I have new ‘jeans goals’. Something positive at least.

I did not talk to one single person today, which was probably a good thing, for both them and myself. I spent the day heavy and wound up. It was dark inside and out, and what felt like a ball of concrete was lodged firmly in my chest, where I expect other functioning organs should normally be.
I managed to make it to the point where I looked up and the clock said 4pm on strong coffee, and then 5.30pm when I fed my dogs, and then 6pm…
I’m not sure what happens after that today. I’ve got nothing.

Maybe it won’t be raining tomorrow, and the clouds will take this with it. Maybe the ball is not concrete…maybe it’s ice and the sun will come out and melt it away?
images (45)Maybe I will talk to someone, and that will allow the smile that couldn’t surface today. There are so many ‘maybe’s’ in my life right now, it can’t hurt to muse over a few more.

‘It can’t rain all the time’. Cheers Kids

V

the bright side

 

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Someone told me today, that I was too optimistic. That I should set my expectations of things, and more specifically people, lower. That I should start expecting the worst, and just hoping for the possibility of the best instead.
I took a minute.
To just let that sink in.
That someone actually said that to me. Or said it at all.
I know it’s not a ridiculous statement, or even an original thought…but it’s sad.

I looked for images to put on here, with this, and it only made my heart sink lower. There were literally hundreds of pictures to graphically illustrate the point, that if you have any expectation or faith in a person, you will only be let down, disappointed, hurt, frustrated…exhibit A, B, C and most famously D…
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To think that we should value other people’s words and actions so lowly, that we should neither believe them or their commitment to them, is a very sad concept. What about Respect? Love? Trust?…Are these things that are only reserved for the over-optimistic these days? Are they not the things we should really be embracing instead of all the negative “what if’s”? regardless of the situation.

Well, despite my sarcasm and mistrust of some, despite everything that has ever happened to me, maybe I am an optimist when it comes to the things and people I believe in. I’d much rather think of things in ways like these…
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Because, fuck it!…I like the anticipation, I like the excitement, I like having something special to look forward to. If all those things weren’t there, then why bother hoping for the best at all? Why not just give up right now and make other plans. Or just give up altogether?

Yes, people have the capacity to disappoint you, and do so repeatedly. Yes people have the capacity to hurt you, and do so repeatedly. Yes, people have the capacity to do all sorts of horrible things…but they also have the capacity to love, trust, be honest, be honourable, commit…and live up to expectations.
So if believing in someone is an option, it is the one I will continue to take.

Don’t give up Kids, there’s so much to look forward to.
V

“Life”

Who was it that said “Life wasn’t meant to be easy”. Malcolm Fraser…well hats off to you Sir, because you are indeed correct. Now tell me why it is that we didn’t believe you from the word go?
How is it that so many days pass us by, beginning under the pretense of being easy, and culminating in fear and doubt?
You see, if today could be summed up with a picture…this would be mine…

love is

 

What I need to do is stop. Stop thinking, stop over-thinking, stop worrying, stop seeing things that probably aren’t there, stop worrying if they are, stop trying to figure it all out, stop all of that negative junk. It’s all very much easier said than done I know. The stopping…the overwhelming feelings of feeling…
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When it all comes down to it, we want what we want, and our brains will stray to wherever they want to go. There is very little you can consciously do to recover from a bad thought, once it has presented itself in your head. The most you can hope to do is distract yourself and hope for the best once you ‘know’.

All you can do is focus on the good things, the hopeful things, because to be honest, I much prefer the original version of the quote By George Shaw:
Life is not meant to be easy, my child; but take courage: it can be delightful.”

Take care kids
V