So I woke up and today was miserable. I knew it was and worse, would be from the minute I hesitated to even open my eyes. Something in the air maybe, a feeling, but it was. Usually the rain on the roof makes me feel all safe and cosy, tucked up in bed, but this morning all it did was make me want to stay there, and hide deep under the covers, away from the world. Away from things I didn’t want to see or hear, and adult things I had to do. Just away.
The grey light splintering through the curtains just looked gloomy and uninviting.
I almost did stay there. Almost.
Since I moved in here, I’ve struggled to find days where the place actually feels like ‘home’ at all. ‘Home’, such a comforting, warm concept. It’s become so fluid, it seems it’s not even a place for me any more.
It feels like I’m balancing on the edge of temporary and the unknown, and this, between these four walls, is just where I keep all my stuff. Stuff is seemingly getting a whole lot less important at that, these days.
The only thing right now that really feels like home, is when the light goes out and I feel the steady breathing of a warm body or puppy snuggled up next to me.
I woke myself up and got out of bed. I did.
While the rain poured and the sun eluded us, I decided to get rid of some more of that stuff. Lighten my material burden and create more space, menial tasks to keep my brain distracted. I unpacked half a dozen bags and boxes that had been strategically pushed aside from the move (for 6 months) and threw out junk I had been keeping, for who knows what reason.
While my girls lazed, watching and sighing loudly with boredom occasionally, I went through drawers of clothes and anything that had not seen light in this house went out too.
I actually threw more things out. I swear.
In the process, I tried on a pile of old clothes that were reluctantly bound for goodwill (didn’t fit any more) and found that they actually do fit me again (Some only just, but I’ll take that), whereas some of my current wardrobe just doesn’t. I managed to look on the optimistic side and swap out some ill-fitting jeans, for my beloved barely worn Levi’s and skull print jeans, which I thought would never fit me again.
I have new ‘jeans goals’. Something positive at least.
I did not talk to one single person today, which was probably a good thing, for both them and myself. I spent the day heavy and wound up. It was dark inside and out, and what felt like a ball of concrete was lodged firmly in my chest, where I expect other functioning organs should normally be.
I managed to make it to the point where I looked up and the clock said 4pm on strong coffee, and then 5.30pm when I fed my dogs, and then 6pm…
I’m not sure what happens after that today. I’ve got nothing.
Maybe it won’t be raining tomorrow, and the clouds will take this with it. Maybe the ball is not concrete…maybe it’s ice and the sun will come out and melt it away?
Maybe I will talk to someone, and that will allow the smile that couldn’t surface today. There are so many ‘maybe’s’ in my life right now, it can’t hurt to muse over a few more.
‘It can’t rain all the time’. Cheers Kids