Marking time

nynm It’s getting to that time of year when people start evaluating their lives, their situations…themselves. It’s like a clean slate is somehow magically put before them, and they get to start all over again. Like all the bad things, and bad decisions, from the previous year will just magically wash away with the turn of the clock. Sure they will. Right.

This year (I resolve) I’m going to quit all my bad habits, lose weight and get healthy, clean up my life and be awesome!! But I can’t do it until that clock ticks over. And this year I mean it…(sigh) New-Year-Resolutions You know what a better idea would be. How about just doing it now? 12376296bf1537f25f3f9c458b96bc3c

I’m not buying into the whole New Year thing. You all know I started my changes months ago. I’m impatient. I didn’t want to wait for the bell to chime to make my life, myself, better. Why do we wait? For the start of a new day, a new week, or a new year…We wait for the things we want to happen, for other people to make up their minds, for things to end or begin. Why don’t we make them happen? We only get one shot at this ‘life’ thing. If you want it, do it. Now…before it’s too late, before things change, before the moment passes, before the sun sets.

And whatever it is you want, or want to do, remember it is just that. What YOU want. You don’t need to justify your choices to anyone else. It’s not their life to live, not their choice to make. If they can’t agree with you, or at least agree to disagree, and accept the fact that you have made your decisions, then that’s not your problem. 10710975_10152426434583456_6607004925818657532_n People are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for. They deal with things, just as we have to, when we have to. In trying to save others, often we forget that we are, in the process, often hurting ourselves. I’m not saying we should disregard the feelings of others, but there is a line. Every time you put someone else first, you sacrifice a small part of yourself. A small part of your strength and independence. A part that makes you, you.

I know sometimes a decision is not in our hands. Sometimes we wait, because others wait, and we have no choice. For me, there is someone ridiculously special. Someone strong and emotional, sexy and funny, intelligent and clever, motivated and practical. Someone complicated and stoic, intense and captivating, witty and sharp. Someone that makes me feel everything so intensely. Someone I love. Someone worth waiting for. So I wait. I wait because, for lack of a better explanation, I have to… love-picture-quotes-for-him-loving-you-was-never Unless your reason is that good, why are you waiting?

Of course, that doesn’t mean my whole life is on hold. I’m still getting on with everything else-work and play. I’m taking the time to catch up, so when the bigger picture comes together, I’m ready for it all to fit together. I’m getting ‘myself’ back. I was really missing that person.

Cheers Kids, I hope the New Year brings you all the change you wish to see in your world. (but hopefully sooner) MjAxMi1iNjg4ZDgzMDVkYjQ2M2Nl_50e1b0751f7a1

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A new Eve

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Today is the first anniversary of my Father’s death. This day last year, Christmas Eve, he was killed in a car accident. A friend was staying with me over Christmas, and we were sitting down with our first glass of seasonal ‘cheer’ when the Police arrived on my doorstep with the news. It was a horrible moment. They didn’t want to tell me, and I didn’t want to hear it. They were gone, and so were the following few days and all the seasonal cheer…and then some.

This year, this day, I did two things.

1. I was sad.
I changed my Facebook pictures, not for anyone else to notice, but as my own mark of respect. I looked at pictures, memories…and I cried. Not the deep unstoppable tears of shock and sorrow that came last year, but the kind that just fall out when something you love is no longer there.
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2. I was happy.
I spent the day doing what I know my Father would have wanted for me, being happy.
I soaked up some vitamin D trimming the lawn. This always makes me feel good. The smell of fresh cut grass and clean lines stir something primitive.
I ran around the yard like a mad thing with my dogs, and when we were done, we all just flopped onto the grass and stared up at the passing clouds together.
I had an epic workout, which ended up as a full-on dance session.
I booked some arrangements for myself for next week, to do something somewhat spontaneous and fun.
I took a long, cold shower and then went for a walk to send off some last minute mail.
I picked up some fresh stone-fruit (one of my favourite things of this time of year.)
I spoke to a friend about life in general and got some positive reassurance.
I took a book out to read before the light faltered, but didn’t read a page. I was distracted by my girls wandering around and inquisitively exploring ‘new’ things in the yard. Issy finally positioned herself at my side and let the gentle swing of the hammock brush against her back. Zodi snuffled around me, trying to stick her nose in my face, while trying to figure out what was swallowing me up.
I just lay there contemplating life, my life, my world. Peacefully.

Instead of an alcoholic, smoke-filled haze, tonight will be quiet. In the morning, I will get up and spend the early morning with my girls, and then catch my ride to spend the rest of the day in company (the human kind).
There are people I love that I will miss being with very much, not because it’s Christmas, or a special day of the year, but because it’s another day. I miss them every day.
But…there will be drinks, music and food. There will be smiles and weapons, and silliness. There will be friends and hugs, and an electricity in the air. That’s life. And it goes on.

Be happy Kids. Smile.
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The power of one

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For a long time now I have been ashamed of my body. Near fifteen years in fact, if you want to put a time frame to it. I saw it as a representation of who I was in the worst kind of way. I thought that people would judge me by the way I looked…and I really cared about that. In fact I thought it was almost everything. That is the way a lot of people are programmed to think, even now, in a society that is supposed to promote individuality of all kinds.

Back then I was younger and trimmer and so much more naïve. I thought if I didn’t get peoples’ attention with the way I looked, I wouldn’t get a look in at showing them who I really was, anywhere past that. So I kept trim by neglecting myself rather than doing it the right way. I didn’t eat, drank lots of alcohol, stayed overactive, fully caffeinated and generally put my body under all of the wrong kinds of pressure. At the end of the day I was the right clothing size… and a whole lot of fucked up.

I used my body as a tool to get what I wanted, which back then was probably affection, but I let attention substitute, whoever it came from. I can’t stress enough in retrospect, how horrible that road was to walk.
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Once I settled down it just got a whole lot worse. I hated the way I looked, felt and carried myself, to hide what I thought was a horrible, unattractive version of the self I used to be. Instead of dealing with the problem, I bought clothes that were too big to cover any curves that ‘shouldn’t be there’ and resigned myself to the fact that it was just the way I was going to be. Period.
My mind just kicked along for the ride, hating.
Nobody else saw it as a problem. I was fine. The extra 20kgs didn’t matter. Except to me… I knew they were there, mostly around my throat, threatening to choke me.

The two years just passed have brought so many massive changes, but one of the more significant ones is nowhere else but in my head.  I recognized the fact that I hated the way I looked and the way that made me feel. In all honesty the feelings started with insignificance, worthlessness and just escalated from there.
I did. Not everyone else. Me. I hated it. But that’s where love is supposed to start, with yourself. That’s where everything stems from…self-worth, self-love, self-esteem.

Over the last four months I decided to start doing things the right way, beginning in my head and translating physically into transformation. Eating properly and exercising regularly was the start, but getting focus on what I wanted, and why I was doing it, was more important. So putting my mind and body together in sync was the key.
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I’m still not happy with the way I look, but it feels good to have a goal to work towards. Even better, it feels good to see a little more improvement every day. I have kept a photo diary of progress, and looking back at day 1, when I feel disgusted with myself, brings amazing results. It makes me want to keep going, to not buy the junk food, to make the salad, to drink the water, to smile. That’s important too, to celebrate the small successes on the road to bigger ones. Smile a lot.

Slowly I am starting to realise that my clothes are all fitting differently in a good way, that I actually want water, enjoy the salad and don’t crave the junk food (well, maybe sometimes). I also look forward to my workouts and try and fit a little more assorted general exercise into my day where I can. I’ve started skipping driving to places I can walk to, running about with my girls more, feeling better.
Fucking GO me! Ha!

I am finally listening to the zillion people telling me that I should be looking after myself (or at least I’ll let them think that), but the most important voice is mine. I should have been telling myself this long ago. I should have listened to my mind before it started hating me and the assault on my liver replaced conscious thought process. I should have realised that I was worth the effort and the time I am spend on making myself happy long before now.
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They say that timing is everything, and maybe now was just the right time for this to happen. I say that mostly because now I know that people will still judge me by the way I look…but I no longer care. If someone is shallow enough to weigh a person up (I know, I know) by the way they look alone, (although there are a few exceptions here, and one of them includes black and white stripes and cannot be unseen), then they have no place in my world. I refuse to assimilate with the brainless, well dressed vaginas and I won’t conform to normal and boring. I am a 30something year old woman with vampire fangs on my belt buckle, a skull and crossbones on my purse and ripped jeans. I like weird shit and complex people, so why did I ever care what the average Joe on the street thought of the way I looked?
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Thank-you to all the people in my sphere. Thank-you to old friends for not judging me (openly…often) and giving me raw advice when I need it (even if I don’t take it). Thank-you to new friends for telling me I’m beautiful, interesting and worthy of respect, without any ulterior motive than respect itself, and for just being there.  Thank-you to all those who accept me for who I am, and encourage me to be just that. From now on, I think I’m going to do just that too. 🙂

Cheers Kids-sleep tight
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