Up in smoke

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Have you ever felt alone? Not just on your own for a while or momentarily in peace and quiet. Not just that free ‘have the house to yourself’ good kind of feeling, but a really low kind of alone. The kind of alone, where it doesn’t matter how many people are in the room or where you are, it’s still there. The deep down empty to the core kind of alone. The feeling, that if you dropped a pebble into the well inside you, you would never hear it splash down at the bottom…
It feels like this. I recognise it. Hello my old friend.

Words aren’t enough. There are none to describe the feelings that build up inside your head, inside your chest, in your whole body and tighten behind your forehead and across your shoulders. There is no logic to explain how you can have a smile on your face one minute and be sitting in the middle of your kitchen floor in a sobbing mess of tears the next, unsure of how you quite made the transition.
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After all that has happened over the past year, some I have shared with you all and some I have not, this is what is left. Somebody once said to me “I thought you were really tough, but underneath it all, you’re really a pussy cat”, so I guess I am right now. Weaker than I ever have been, ever wanted to be. It’s easy to appear strong while everyone is watching. It’s easy to tell someone you are fine down a phone line.

You see, it’s not just because there are no people around you, nor is it that the ones who are there do not care…it’s that you have given up caring so much for yourself. Something is missing, or you are missing something. Something in your brain doesn’t want to let the outside world in. Doesn’t want to believe there is anything left out there to heal you. There’s just this overwhelming emptiness where the good things used to be. Tears and tension are always right on the verge of overflowing at any moment. Moody, confusing, snappy, defensiveness replaces logic and you are susceptible to being hurt more quickly and deeply.

Sure there are good days. These are the ones where nothing extra goes wrong and you can coast through with enough to keep your hands busy and mind occupied. The days where you have things that have to be done without exception, or some component will get noticably worse. The days where you seem to see some purpose or reason for getting on with day to day life, just because even if you stop, it won’t.

The problem is, alone is the hardest thing to feel. There is no response to it. If you are angry you can find an outlet, be physical, scream, get it out. If you are hurt, you are broken, and broken can be fixed. What to do with alone?…. (write about it to a world of complete strangers-check.)
Maybe we’re not built to deal with so much at once? Maybe it’s just a simple negative shut-down reaction to the workings of an overactive mind? Too many good things being taken away, prolonged, all coupled with uncertainty of any good things to come.

I figured that things weren’t going to feel a whole lot worse than they do about now, so, as my gift to myself for getting another year older (and still actually being here), I am taking the opportunity to also give up on my last continuous vice-Smoking. The one last thing that makes me feel calm when I am stressed and upset. The one thing I could rely on to help me sleep in the small hours of the morning when all else failed. The one last thing I enjoy-to the detriment of my health and apparently my sex appeal. My appetite suppressant. My time-wasting, money-wasting bad habit.
I believe, along with saying goodbye to the cigarettes after this long, I should also wave goodbye to the last shred of my decency, anger management and sanity for a while.
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You should probably all stay clear of me. ‘Probably’ was not really a necessary word in that sentence. You have been warned.

Just to be clear here, this was not written to promote any sort of response. It is certainly not a cry for empathy, sympathy or any other ‘pathy’ for that matter. It just simply needed to be said. It needed to be out of my head and away. This week brings with it another heavy blanket of emotion through a mix of things ending, some continuing and some just hanging in the balance.
I’m going to need to muster all the strength I have left to get through it unscathed and rebuild myself from the ruins.

As I type this it’s almost midnight, and I have my last cigarette and a lighter here next to me, so I am going to go and say my goodbyes then curl up tight with my pups.
Wish me luck.

XX-V

The Ending…The Beginning

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2014 is here. For me, not soon enough.
As I look back over the year that was, so many things went wrong. Too many things hurt. Still hurt.
I have lost relationships, loved ones, body parts, money and faith. It has left my body scarred. It has left my heart tattered and torn up. It has left my head in a spinning mess of confusion with little closure. It has left the need for change. Big change. Inevitable change.

Just when it seemed the worst had come and gone, 2013 threw a nasty curve ball, with the news late on Christmas Eve, that my Father had been in a fatal car accident earlier that day. At that point…there were just no more words…
The next few days were kind of a blur as everything just settled all at once.

The following few weeks consisted of getting my Fathers affairs in order with my Brother, who has thankfully done the lion’s share, and organising and attending the funeral up north. All this while, everything else that was already happening…was still happening in the background. Emotional turmoil, job-hunting, financial stress etc just to throw a few things out there…Fitting that the Summer storms had started…
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So a while ago, with my own storm building up in my head, I said enough was enough and just left. Just for a few days. Just to get my head together. Just enough time to settle down a little.
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wasn’t really M.I.A. Anyone who knows me, knew where/how to reach me. I just went and stayed with a friend for a while. No internet, people, phone, but plenty of quiet, alcohol, music, chill, seclusion, good company, discussion and good food-no…great food!

I am back again, a little better off for it, a little more prepared to deal. Back to the emotional turmoil, financial stress and job-hunting. Back to work. Back to reality.
I have very little idea of what path 2014 will lead me down. I know for certain, a few things that I want, or even so far as ‘need’ to happen, but the details are anyone’s guess right now. Hopefully they will become a lot clearer very soon, and I can start reconstructing some semblance of balance and happiness, starting from the inside and working outward. I am not expecting to sail through, but I am working on it…getting my shit back together…now if the universe would just co-operate please?
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I need that something to look forward to, that something to inspire me, that something certain. I need to love what I’m doing, who I’m with and where I am. I need all of that again. I need the bedtime story ending.
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I hope the last year sucked a whole lot less for you all, I really do. From most of the stories I’ve encountered, it was not the best, but that means we all have a brighter year ahead to move into right? So maybe we should just let go of fear a little and move forward with hope. Maybe, just maybe, we should move forward with a little excitement and anticipation of the opportunities and possibility that lies ahead. That somewhere out there, maybe just around the next corner…is the happily ever after.

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