Have you ever felt trapped somewhere…caged? Like the feeling of walls closing in, people bearing down on you, nowhere to run kind of trapped? A place where your emotions take over, and you are defenceless to them.This was today.
Trapped here in this place I am hating on. The more time I am here, the worse it gets. Horrible neighbours (which probably would be more tolerable if I weren’t so bitter and twisted). Traffic noise, sirens, television from next door, barking dogs, obligations, responsibilities, real estate agents, emptiness, appointments, niceties, a house that really isn’t home. Some days it’s just all too much.
Today, I don’t want to run away, I want to curl up in a ball with my dogs on the floor and pretend I don’t exist. That way I don’t have to think about any of that superficial life shit. That way I can think the world goes on without me, and couldn’t care less that I am not there, because I am not. Being here, in this place, is making me hateful, and the light is growing dimmer. The gap between Society and I, is starting to look like an abyss. I talk to nobody and go nowhere. I just want to let go.
I get the distinct impression that everyone thinks my black sheep life is so easy, because I don’t have the same responsibilities as everyone else. The same 9-5 workdays and deadlines, with a boss hanging over my shoulder. Instead I have to create my own purpose, responsibilities, income, task-list, and it’s not easy. It means that I not only have to do the same things, but also find the drive and motivation to create them and carry them out for, and by, myself.
And then there are days like today. When there is no hope of doing any of that…or of anything really.
When you come to the realisation that you are not really living at all, just existing in hope that one day you could be, it adds a certain amount of gravity to your thinking. Something I have plenty of time to do, and I’ve never yet seen any good come of that. It’s like each day nothing changes but you, and the grasp you have on both reality and your feelings.
I used to like to think, or even hope, that I was ‘normal’. That everyone went through this kind of thing, and maybe I am, maybe they do. I feel it is more likely that I am the screwed up bi-product of a screwed up world, pretending that it and everyone in it are just peachy. While more and more people self diagnose themselves as intolerant to everything in the food chain, and as heavily depressed or ADHD, I prefer to think that I am just plain old messed up. Not broken or sick, just human, and therefore susceptible to matters of the heart and mind.
And so today, I put on clothes, switched on auto-pilot, and I went out to places I knew I wouldn’t have to talk to people, I printed, I paid, I paused and sat a while, I purchased politely, I drove, I paused and sat a while, I washed things, I cleaned things, I walked, I paused and sat a while…and I cried. Because, at the end of today, that was all that was left to do.
Let’s hope the light is a little brighter tomorrow.