Despite all my rage…

Have you ever felt trapped somewhere…caged? Like the feeling of walls closing in, people bearing down on you, nowhere to run kind of trapped? A place where your emotions take over, and you are defenceless to them.This was today.

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Trapped here in this place I am hating on. The more time I am here, the worse it gets. Horrible neighbours (which probably would be more tolerable if I weren’t so bitter and twisted). Traffic noise, sirens, television from next door, barking dogs, obligations, responsibilities, real estate agents, emptiness, appointments, niceties, a house that really isn’t home. Some days it’s just all too much.

Today, I don’t want to run away, I want to curl up in a ball with my dogs on the floor and pretend I don’t exist. That way I don’t have to think about any of that superficial life shit. That way I can think the world goes on without me, and couldn’t care less that I am not there, because I am not. Being here, in this place, is making me hateful, and the light is growing dimmer. The gap between Society and I, is starting to look like an abyss. I talk to nobody and go nowhere. I just want to let go.

I get the distinct impression that everyone thinks my black sheep life is so easy, because I don’t have the same responsibilities as everyone else. The same 9-5 workdays and deadlines, with a boss hanging over my shoulder. Instead I have to create my own purpose, responsibilities, income, task-list, and it’s not easy. It means that I not only have to do the same things, but also find the drive and motivation to create them and carry them out for, and by, myself.

And then there are days like today. When there is no hope of doing any of that…or of anything really.
When you come to the realisation that you are not really living at all, just existing in hope that one day you could be, it adds a certain amount of gravity to your thinking. Something I have plenty of time to do, and I’ve never yet seen any good come of that. It’s like each day nothing changes but you, and the grasp you have on both reality and your feelings.

I used to like to think, or even hope, that I was ‘normal’. That everyone went through this kind of thing, and maybe I am, maybe they do. I feel it is more likely that I am the screwed up bi-product of a screwed up world, pretending that it and everyone in it are just peachy. While more and more people self diagnose themselves as intolerant to everything in the food chain, and as heavily depressed or ADHD, I prefer to think that I am just plain old messed up. Not broken or sick, just human, and therefore susceptible to matters of the heart and mind.

And so today, I put on clothes, switched on auto-pilot, and I went out to places I knew I wouldn’t have to talk to people, I printed, I paid, I paused and sat a while, I purchased politely, I drove, I paused and sat a while, I washed things, I cleaned things, I walked, I paused and sat a while…and I cried. Because, at the end of today, that was all that was left to do.

Let’s hope the light is a little brighter tomorrow.
Cheers Kids.
V

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Torn over time

I see it every day. I even say it occasionally…”Life is too short”. Too short to have regrets. Too short to follow all the rules. Too short to not say the important stuff. Too short to do anything other than what makes you happy.

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The more I know and live, the more I believe it, but this week I saw something else. I already knew it too, I guess it just never really occurred to me as much…”Life is too long”.

While you need to do the impulsive things, the fun things, the things that make you tingle and draw sharp breath, because we only have limited time here…we DO have time here. I feel it, the time.

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Some days it passes so painfully slowly that I can feel every second tick over on the clock, and others go by before you can blink. So I amended the above accordingly…

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And then I stumbled across this…which perfectly summed up how I was actually considering both. We have time, however much or little, but what we need to do is use it wisely. And wisely is different for every person. If that means taking risks or breaking rules, then fine. If it means putting yourself on the line, and trusting your heart to someone, then fine. If it means searching for inner peace on a mountain top in the middle of nowhere, then fine. Whatever it means to you, you should do it. Whether life is long or short, it is what we have, while we have it.
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My brain never wants to let me wait for anything, my heart less so, and yet I feel I am becoming quite good at the process.
I have been working on a new artwork for a few days, and tonight, with the chill in the air, my hands are cramping fiercely. Just one of the joys of younger stupidity, creeping into today. My fingers scream under the constant action of holding things with pressure. And I don’t care. I don’t care that it hurts, because I love what I’m doing.

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I’m creating something. And whether or not it turns out like I can see it in my own vision, it’s the process of creation that I love. That I can see something in my mind and feel driven to see it become real. If it looks good it shall hang on a wall, if it doesn’t, I don’t know?…maybe I’ll start over, maybe I’ll give up…but for now, it’s a great distraction, and it’s exciting. Every step I work at means waiting. I want to be done and jump forward to the next one already, but that is what inspires me to keep going. To see what it looks like when it exists. Something real.

In a way, everything we do means waiting in some way. Results are always at the end of work, a battle, a process or just the end of a day. But I guess what I really want?…that at the end of one day, the most important one will be over.299f108476a995197b73fee09b2ec984Sleep tight Kids. Use tomorrow however you see fit, but use it.
Cheers
V

We all fall down…

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Sometimes there are just no words or reasons or explanations for the way you feel. You just do.

The difficulty lies not in explaining, but understanding. Trying to find the reason for yourself, only to stumble over the fact that there may not be one. Perhaps there are scatterings of provocation, but no solid ‘this is why’ type of reason, which would explain or justify it to none other than yourself. Emotions are such fragile, temperamental creatures.

You can never determine how you will feel when everything seems to be going right, any more than you can expect to display certain emotion when situations are not quite right. This in turn, leads to the fact that you cannot determine your own reaction to any given occurrence either. Maybe I’m just not as well versed in this whole concept of being an ‘adult’ as I seem to be at face value. (I’m sure someone out there believes I am right?)

High and lows swing hand in hand like a maniacal ring-a-rosy, spurred on by a child-like passion for swirling until dizziness occurs, and we trip and fall flat on our faces, only to pick up, dust off and start the circling all over again. The pain is only gradual, little bumps, little bruises…so we don’t learn to stop, just watch our step on the next run. We step over the fallen versions of ourself and keep dancing to the tune, hoping that one day there will be more highs, less lows, and we will know the way.

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If we are lucky enough, we will clasp hands with someone who is strong and keeps balance. Someone who won’t let go when the pace begins to quicken. Some of us are lucky. Some of us know it. And if we really are, then the fear of falling starts to fade, but not disappear. That fear should never go away, lest we become complacent and relax our own grip. Sometimes holding on is better. Sometimes letting go is better. Sometimes fear is healthy.

I believe that we were made in certain ways, wired to keep reflecting on ourselves and our lessons, to learn and move forward. Whether we look to the past, the future, or take things as they come, we alone are responsible for ourselves and the way we choose to shape our lives. You cannot force a persons mind or bend free will. Others actions are their own, as are yours. The outcome of a situation will rarely go either as planned or as you saw it unfold behind your eyes. You can be an influence, a persuasion…but not a cause.

Emotion then, stems from who you are, the way you process and filter information.We do not need others to make us happy or sad, when we seem totally capable of doing those for ourselves. Perhaps in ways, it is peace then, that comes simply from finding someone with who you can be yourself, and share your innermost secrets and insecurities? To hold against you and feel safe. And if you had found that, would not the fear of losing it be healthy?…and a justifiable reason starts to take shape.

I have seen it written, that if you control your thoughts, you govern your mood, and therefore can make your emotions evolve into a controllable entity. That by deciding you are happy, you can be. Well to that…I call bullshit. You can no more control them, than you could the ocean. You just need to put yourself in a better place. One where you need not have to convince yourself of safety or happiness or love. Places like that do exist. I have been there just recently in fact. It felt like home. And I lay my head against it’s chest and found that peace.

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I hope you all find your peace. It’s worth more than anything you could imagine.

Cheers
V