Queen of the Supermarket

People ask me if I’m Ok? When they see something change. When they know I’m going through something bad. When I don’t want to talk. They ask if I’m ok?…
1b0a77e063ad91f6781d44e72ff195dd.jpgLike the Cashier at the Supermarket asks if I’ve had a good day?…because she has to. It’s her job, but that’s where it ends. She gets paid to ask, but not enough money in the world could make her actually give a fuck. She doesn’t care, but she asks out of duty and for reward. She keeps her job, I smile and say “Good”, and we both move on.
She says “Have a nice day”.

Have you ever told the truth? To that poor, unsuspecting checkout girl…how your day really was? They don’t know what to do. There is an awkward, uncomfortable silence, if she even bothers to listen to your reply.

So…stop asking me if I’m Ok? I’m not. I’m not okay.
A very old wound in my chest has been ripped open with unfulfilled promises, and instead of being healed, my heart has been taken out and used as a toy. It has been squashed and bitten and spat out, by someone who knew exactly what they were doing…and seemingly doesn’t give a fuck. I am reliving the worst time ever of my life, all over again.
eb8c678cea192340c3e96fb9b8c0bc83.jpgI don’t know how to deal with it, what will happen, or how it will end. I have to decide every damn day that there is a reason to keep going, and then try and find it. I don’t have the right answers.
I shouldn’t be okay. I have every right not to be. I have lost my person, and I am lying here bleeding out, wondering whether I actually want to try and find something to stitch up the gaping hole they have left…or not.
92ea93a69400f0476c4c9e677812a321This week my heart momentarily stopped. Not just dramatically…actually stopped. I’m still at a loss as to why it started again. The paramedic asked me if I was under emotional stress? I just looked at him. He nodded.
892c9189c5c04affce9b4bd31266fcbfBut most of you don’t want to know that. Any of it. You don’t want to hear the unsettling truth any more than I want to share it or experience it. You want to know that I am okay, so you can be okay. Well, I’m not, but no…I don’t want to explain, and no…I sure as hell don’t want your pity.
So…if it’s out of duty that you ask or for reward, take note now, and let’s just avoid the awkward, uncomfortable silence.
Oh, and… “Have a nice day”

P.s: There’s a typo…I’m not sorry, but…mostly this.



Not enough

People. Collectively, people are awful. And so is the world we have created to live in. Not the world around us, it is full of beauty (although we are making short work of destroying it) but people are essentially ugly. Not black and white stripe, shudder ugly, but ugly inside.

Whether you are black, white, yellow, religious, spiritual, man or woman, there is really just one rule we should be following. It encompasses just about everything, yet still leave us freedom. The Beatles, Mother Teresa and many others have tried, but I think Bill and Ted coined it best: “Be excellent to each other”. So simple…yet we can’t.
h352f9a23As individuals, we lie and cheat, manipulate and steal, deceive and both physically and emotionally hurt one another. As collectives, we terrorize and go to war. We murder and manipulate and corrupt others to our own ends. There is no depth that anyone, given the right motivation and opportunity, wouldn’t reach. The more power and freedom we are given, the more we take advantage of it. Given money, we use it to only make more. Given a heart, we break it looking for a better one. Given time, we waste it looking for purpose.

Maybe the whole purpose, is to use what we have to love and enjoy life?

But we are greedy. We want more. We want riches and peace and the perfect fairy-tale ending. We want apologies and answers we shall never get, and waste our lives looking instead of living.

As a Society, we have taken a free universe and, in order to make sense of it, structured it into a prison of night and day. We have constructed the concept of time to establish order, and walled ourselves into a timetable. A time when we ‘should’ be working and ‘should’ be sleeping. If your life doesn’t fit these slots, you’re ‘different’. If your desires don’t follow the man-made rules or religious teachings, you are wrong or bad.
Since when did man become so universally powerful and almighty that we have these rights?

Man only created the concept of a God, so that they could strive to try and become one.

Every day we fulfil these ridiculous ideas, by putting others in charge of our lives and ourselves. Priests, politicians, bosses, partners and all of the other people we bow down to, searching for that purpose. Because we hope that if we can’t find the answers we seek, maybe they can for us. We hand over our freedom, obedience, responsibility and time to others for money, and in return they make us feel like we are part of the plan.

Yet, at the end of the day… we are not happy. We are constantly looking. Searching for the things that will bring our lives meaning-love, puppies, money, peace, fun. We rarely take moments to enjoy or be grateful for the things we have. The simple, honest things we have already, right in front of us. Love, money, puppies, peace and fun. Why are we are made to feel like we should feel guilty for the things we love and enjoy?
4d56965a79c1eb5992a63875389016b6 (1)Maybe Bill and Ted should have phrased their message a little differently?…”Be excellent to each other, and be excellent to yourself”.
We usually fail to do both. We let Society, and others, decide if we are worthy of just about everything. Unfortunately that bad stuff is easier to believe. We are dark and cynical creatures. Maybe Kanye is onto something and all of the rest of us are missing the point?
images (38)Someone said to me, that ‘love is not enough’, and for a while I started thinking maybe they were right. I questioned my own belief and way of thinking and feeling. But they’re not right. And maybe I’m not either, but I am staying true to myself.

NO…Love is NOT enough…it is the PURPOSE. Love is the difference between a hateful world and a good world. Love is the difference between caring and giving up. Love is the difference between being happy or just existing. It gives us euphoria, intimacy, misery and hope. It incites passion for people and the things around us every day. It makes us want to live or die. If there was no love, life would be pointless and mundane.
So no…Love is not enough. Love is MORE than enough
Love is everything.

Cheers Kids. No more guilty pleasures.

Silver wings

Today was a sad day. A day many people can’t bear the thought of. I’m one of those people. Today we said goodbye to another furry, loyal, loving friend. Goodbyes suck. All of them.

I was supposed to be there as a friend, company and support. I think I got two out of three okay, but the third maybe not so much? All I do know is this…

You were at home, in the same place where you have been a part of a family that loved and cared for you for the better part of 14 1/2 years. You certainly landed on all fours there.
You got lots of love, pats and doggy chocolates through the day. As you lay there, calm and relaxed, you were getting scritched in all the good spots. One of your feline friends (Moleman) came in to have a mooch, and you returned with a small nuzzle and lick.
v13246037_10208698205186238_1409607224_nYou didn’t know that this was the last day of this journey, and the beginning of the next, and that was how it was supposed to be. You gently lay your head on your paws and quietly groaned and leaned in when your ears were rubbed deep, and loving hands stroked your fur. And then you closed your eyes and drifted off into silent dreams.

I think maybe you were back in that car, 14 years ago-just a pup, head out the window and tongue lolling around in the breeze. A big smile crosses your face as you realize where you’re going and who you will see again. And as the car pulls up by the bridge, you will leap out and into the arms you know are waiting for you.

Dog speed big fella. If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

May you all know this kind of love Kids.

Burn for love, not bridges.

grey8Here’s this woman standing in front of you, telling you she burns, would walk through fire for you, and possibly already metaphorically has, but you look the other way, in fear that it may go wrong…or may go right? You find excuses not to be together, find reasons why it won’t work, find justification why it shouldn’t happen.
It sounds so clear and reasonable in your head…but what has reason to do with love?

(I should warn you at this point, you ‘may’ be plied with Grey’s Anatomy quotes, because they are SO relevant to this post and sadly more applicable to my life in general than I have ever admitted.)
grey2Why is it that when you find the right person, there is endless drama? Can’t we just be fucking bar-coded or something? Like, here you are No.15…here’s your match, 15a…have a happy fucking life together. Done. Tick

I’ll tell you why…because free fucking will, that’s why. Because of histories and duties and baggage and fears.
7a64fcf095dc9d7f782ec3b7862fb33cLife is this big screwed up adventure that we only get to live once. Even if we get it more than once, we are not aware of it (for all of you mystical smart-arses out there). So, if it came with instructions it would take at least half of the fun out of it (have you ever tried to put together Ikea junk?) and people probably wouldn’t read them anyway. Half of us certainly wouldn’t follow them, because…rules? pfft. We need mystery, and the illusion of control and choice.
grey13But you know what?…we know anyway. We DO fucking know when candidate 15 meets 15a. Or at least I knew.
You can feel it, like cogs whirring around and around and around, and then one day just…click! You look at someone and suddenly you fall deeper into their beautiful eyes than you could ever imagine. You know that a defining moment in your life has just happened. A ‘before and after’ this moment, moment. It’s not a choice to fall, and nothing is again the same. You can’t resist it. It just is.

So that means when a a person goes through a hard life, full of unimaginably awful things, and then manages to come out the other side, scathed but whole…they sometimes then choose not to accept that anything good can happen to them. They doubt their own value, based on what others have done to, or thought of, them. They doubt the intention and truth of others, no matter how true. They feel vulnerable when they are, in fact, strong.
grey14So, they get to this point of ‘whirr…click’ and they doubt love, it’s true value and the offering of it from anyone. They push people away in self defence. A form of self preservation if you will. Because so many bad things can happen so easily, we start to believe that if something is good, it can’t last. It can’t be real…
greyThe world can be horrible, and some days it’s hard to stay optimistic, I understand that only too well. But there is always light. No matter how dark and twisty and fucked up inside we are…there is always light. There is light in us that some can see, even when we can’t see it ourselves, and in turn there is light in others that only we can see. And sometimes the dark and twisty can be just as beautiful too.

“I’m asking you, to help me see
A light that no longer, shines brightly for me…
…Hand outstretched and holding, A pleading penny for your thoughts
In the hope that through your eyes, I might see all that I’ve lost
So bear me your soul, And I’ll risk searching mine
For what you have not lost is something, I’d give all I have to find”

It is so easy to become bitter and cynical, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t. Hell some days I’d love nothing more than to tell the whole world to just fuck off. But we also need to recognise that we deserve to have peace and love. To acknowledge that we can make choices to erase or minimise regrets, and rewrite a better future for ourselves. It doesn’t mean compromise, it means admitting our feelings and doing what we want, over what we feel we should or have to do.
It means looking for solutions to problems, rather than seeing them as concrete complications, and it means opening ourselves to being loved in return. It means we can have both peace AND love.

grey9If someone asks you to make a promise to love them and never give up, even if they try to…you keep it. Why? Because there are very few things left in this world that are truly worth fighting for, and real, true love is one of them. The kind of love you can’t fake or lie about. The kind of 15 met 15a love.
41b792dc0bffa0eb2e6a3856501181e0That right there is why lace your gloves tighter, and you fight. Because, even if it weren’t a promise, you don’t feel like giving up is an option. You can’t imagine life without this. This reason to get through each day. This person. This smile. This hope. This love.

 I hope you find this Kids. This love. This knowing. The ‘a’ to your number.