For the wicked.

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We’re told to get a staple 8 hours a night to be ‘all we can be’ right.
Well, I’m starting to feel like I don’t actually know what that feels like any more. This is getting ridiculous, to the point of funny. But not your average kind of funny. Nooooo. You know that really tired kind of funny, where you’re still super awake at 3am because you’ve passed the point of no sleep return, and everything seems really hysterical?…Yeah that kind of funny.
The kind of funny where you start laughing at Ashton Kutcher films…bad right?

I started trying to stay up later and get up earlier, so I would be tired enough to sleep, but nope, that doesn’t work. I took sleeping drugs. Apparently my body has the will to overcome them too.
I used natural herbal remedies. And hot teas. Nothing.
At this point feel free to jump in with any ‘old wives tales’ that will help. I’m willing to give it a shot 😉
I’m looking at adding this to my wardrobe in the near future!
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The thing is, I know pretty much why I can’t sleep. I just don’t know how to ‘fix’ it. You see, I have this mind that has a mind of it’s own. When my head hits the pillow, it clicks into overdrive and starts telling me all about everything it thinks I need to know. It might start out with something that happened earlier, what I need to get done the next day, and end up drifting to faraway places and imagining things that could be. It creates adventures, writes stories, paints pictures and dreams, all while I lay there wide awake watching the time tick over.
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Before I know it, it is somewhere in the very small hours of the morning and the possibility of getting nearly enough sleep is beyond reach. Again.
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Next thing I know, after a few hours of broken z’s Chili is leaving for work, the dogs are relentlessly wanting to play and just BE AWAKE, and there goes the slender chance of sleeping in too. There is just no way of ignoring this when it wants you to get up to play!
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So be it. Start the day with strong coffee and a to do list and soldier on. I need to get some of this…
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I guess it just comes down to being able to relax a little, something I am not much good at at the moment. There’s just too much going around in my head. That, along with a changed eating and exercise routine and many other things, is leaving me just a LITTLE wound up right now. Some days I feel like I need to just step out of my body and shake myself loose.

Either way, I guess it could always be worse. It’s more a mental thing than physical, and I have an feeling it might get a little better soon. Patience has just never been my strong suit. I want what I want. And I’m okay with that.

So, let’s go out on a more positive note…
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Cheers
XX-V

Now you see me…

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If you hadn’t already guessed it, this is about change. Not any sudden, earth shattering, blindingly obvious, 2am revelation type change, but the type that happens every day. It’s really about the type of change that just creeps up on you. The type that you don’t notice at all…until you do.

People go about their business every day, blind to just how much change is happening around them. More importantly, blind to how much change is happening within them. Over time, small things change, which you really don’t notice too much, like taste in music, food etc. Then there are more obvious alterations such as wardrobe, hobbies, employment. On another level the bigger stuff creeps in…taste (in anything), and the kicker…interests, attractions and emotions.

When the moment comes that you finally realise you have changed that much that you may not really be the same person you once were, what do you do? Think, Talk it through, discuss, analyse, re-evaluate what you have, what you want, what you need to be happy. Then there’s the next step. The harder one, that comes after the talking…
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Maybe that change means letting go of some of the things that have remained a constant in your life thus far, or just adding new things into it. Perhaps breaking out of routine? Maybe letting go a little, to hold on. Maybe just letting go. Every situation is different, everyone is different, so only you can figure out what it is you need to change, to be in the place that you want to be.
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They say only two things in life are inevitable-Death and Taxes. I think you can add Love to the equation. I believe that every person, whether by their own design or not, will fall in love. It is an inevitable, life changing experience. It’s not always easy, but it is worth it. It will let you experience the utmost extremes of any emotion you ever felt. And the thing is, you should love your life just as much. And if you love life, you should love living it. You should make whatever change is necessary to be totally happy.
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Yes, like everything else, there’s risk. No-one said it would be easy. What if you make the wrong decisions? What if you somehow manage to phenomenally fuck things right up??? What if things don’t get any better? What if you only realise once it’s too late? What if??….
But what in life isn’t a risk?
Do your best to ‘get to know’ what it is you want a whole lot better. At the same time, get to know yourself again.

Only you can make the changes/solutions in your life that really count. Only you know the answers (even if it may not feel like it sometimes). So if your life needs fire, find the/a spark (wherever you left it). If you have something that makes you feel amazing, gives you butterflies, and the very thought of losing it causes an ache inside you. Hold onto it, because you know what?….
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