The best light…

46186e4890e5f942c6695fe3d4e77a21The last week has made me dig. Not a hole, there’s already one there, but inside, in my head, dreams and distant memories. I’ve had to dig to find some things that I haven’t looked for in a long while. Because not having to, waiting for a dream to come true, believing in something bigger and better, believing in words and promises, even empty ones…is easier. It’s safer. Until it’s not there any more…
aa9f91d5fa5e0df88844ece2bf3ce6a7I’ve had to dig, to find myself. Because part of me is gone, and I needed to find a new person.One that isn’t waiting for anything. One that isn’t afraid of losing something. One that can see clearly and will learn to follow things other than a heart, and include logic in the equation. One that will start believing in herself in any way.
heartBut I have to, so I am. Therefore, I made a lot of plans, some really cool stuff, and talked to the people that can help make some of them a reality. I crossed some off the list and replaced them with bigger ones, and others with more realistic or achievable. I heard kind words from friends, the ones that care more about my future than my past. And more importantly, I didn’t talk to anyone else.
79160819c797ebc049a77aa6fd91e466I reconnected with a few old acquaintances, and connected with a few fresh ones. I researched methods for my new madness, stepped out of my comfort zone on some days, and immersed myself in it on others. I absolutely smashed my poor body on a virtual roller coaster ride of excessive alcohol, exercise, lack of sleep, outings, unexplainable scars and mental torture. And I calmed it with the same.12509170_904054503035715_1015783063239337459_nI may not be happy, or anywhere close to it yet, but I am sure that it will go one of two ways, and in one of them, I can glimpse something like it in the distance. I’m reaching, trying, grasping…and if I keep falling forward I might even reach it within the time limit.
b09740d2bdf6e2dc534516d43c4173f8I thought a lot, and rationalised things, past present and future. I separated hate from hurt and accepted some truths, both bad and good.
1d5b9837b7ef6b44a4e4ac7888229b36But as true as it may be, it changes nothing, so I gave up and started all over again many times, and I will many more. But now I have things to follow through on, and somewhere in the future is a blazing light so bright and therapeutically cleansing that it will throw shadows over the whole world, so forward it is.
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I hope you can all see the light you need Kids, every day.
Cheers V

 

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Don’t forget your toothbrush

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I find it interesting to discover new things about myself, or realise them. Big things, small things, good or bad.Whether it’s through flaws or strengths that others point out, or entirely through self reflection.
Of course the flaws are always harder to know, but in knowing them at least you can then choose to accept them and then either change or adopt them as part of who you are. (For example…I run late. To most things, unless they are really important to me or unwavering appointments, I run late. It’s just something people know and allow for. It’s not a good thing, or intentional, it just is. The important stuff I prepare and wait for, the rest I run late.)
782c1c8a5db0ff31a51dec281076baeeAnd, of course there is the outside contributing factor to the decision of acceptance, that what one person sees as a flaw, another can see as a positive, from a different perspective.
13620100_1034376756645871_3450385599945488628_nThere are in fact, many things about me, that different people have been honest or arrogant enough to tell me in my life, that are so obviously wrong with me, that I, of course, should have seen staring me in the face. Most of them were pointed out by those who are nothing at all like me. I’m sure they are quite happy about that. So am I.
I take pride, I think, that the one person who knows me better than anyone, thinks I’m a type A, overly analytical, slightly OCD, psycho (and probably a royal pain in the arse).
images (6)How boring would the world be if we were all the same? If we chose to do as we were told. If we didn’t question things and bear our own scars and the stories that inflicted them inside us? How beige, how bland, how 1984 it would be to live in a world devoid of our rainbow of coloured souls.
38b481f867156e3732d0e64673a87039The past few weeks have induced a lot of these thoughts. Mostly about who and where I am, and if either of these things sit right with me. Also thoughts of what and who I want, and also if I am comfortable with those answers.
It led to a few answers, a few more lingering questions and a lot of lost sleep. Sleep, which feels more like a distant lover these days anyway. How nice it would be to be reacquainted, without vivid waking dreams and restlessness…but I digress.

In the last month I have been labelled without prompting, as a myriad of things. These range from ‘a strong, resilient Madame’ to ‘aimless and empty’, with ‘strong but acting weak’ thrown in the middle. I’ve been told that in the past year I’ve grown a lot in the way I view and process the world and people. Even though a tiny few know what is actually happening with me, I’ve been told I’ll survive, because I have until now right?

This is where the questions come into play, because who I am is…thirsty. I am a person who needs to know facts, truth, directions, stories, feelings, timing, dates, memories, plans and possibilities. I am an eternal ‘list maker’. I make lists. I mark things off them as I go. They show me that I am being productive and moving forward. That I am doing things instead of standing still. It’s not a forgetful thing. It’s a moving forward thing. It’s about giving myself purpose and feeling like I have achieved something, no matter what it was. Done, tick.

At the moment I have about 4 lists. The ‘to do tomorrow’ list. The ‘NEEDS to be be attended soon’ list. The ‘personal achievements I want to accomplish’ list. And lastly, the big scary one, the ‘things I want/have always wanted to do and life is only getting shorter’ list.
The last two seem to be more attention grabbing at the moment by far. The exciting stuff that involves travel, tattoos, weapons, parties, learning new things and relocations. Most of those things, in their own ways, will require not only time and planning, but also courage, determination. A few things are just flat out scary to me too, but they’re on the list for a reason.In fact, they’re probably on the list for exactly those reasons. Because just like no great story started with a salad, no adventure started with staying grounded in a comfort zone. I think ‘safe’ can kill you as easily as ‘risky’…it just takes longer and kills you from the inside out.
3c92f813f2980cc874116dedf48328a8So, to the disgust and disappointment of some, the truth at the basis of all of this, is quite simply that I don’t fit a perfect mould by social standards. I lead with my heart, and always will, and I am inspired by passion and hope. I don’t give up on what I love. I want to experience so many more things than I have, and go where all of those things combined lead me. I want to look on the world and see that in it’s warm tropical, freezing cold and grey, new and exciting, sticky, colourful, fresh places…it is beautiful again.
22b174e267f8e65f5f95d1ce2fdd1737Right now it’s time to go and lay awake for a while before a new day. Dream on Kids
Cheers
V

what doesn’t kill you…

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“A man won’t chase a weak woman. A man will only chase a strong woman”
This is what I got told tonight. And you know what?…I totally get this. The appeal of a strong, secure man or woman is obvious. Someone who is self assured and independent is undeniably attractive. That they can have weathered everything the world has thrown at them, and come out the other side with an air of dignity and self worth, is an admirable quality.
But…what if the very reason that you are now insecure and ashamed of yourself, is because of the person you love?

Now, I hear some of you say, why would someone that loves you make you feel this way? and others I see nod in agreement. And the answer is *drum roll*… I have no fucking idea. The reason for this, is because I would never do it, so I don’t understand. I don’t know. To me, Love is love, and if you love someone, that’s what you do…love them. You do whatever it takes to make them feel loved and worthy and whole and as amazing as you know they are.
grey4Maybe I have my finger on the pulse more than I realise? Maybe it is as simple as the above, and love is what is actually missing from the equation, or maybe it is the other, where the person in reference just really doesn’t know how to correctly apply love to a situation. Either way, love is not displayed by lies and deceit. And that’s where the insecurity comes into play…

They say we are supposed to hold our heads high. To shrug off hardships and soldier through. To love ourselves and be strong and independent. But after years of disappointment and rejection, loss and fighting…there comes a point where a person just loses their fight. The passion, the energy…it just runs out. We give up. And that doesn’t make us weak, it just means that we have reached the limit of emotional pain we are willing to endure. It means that we can no longer see past the curtain to where hope used to be, however thinly veiled. Even with promises, we just ‘literally can’t even’ any more.
grey12This point, when you reach it, feels so much like the end. Giving up. And for some it is. When there is no more purpose, nothing to look forward to, why? Just why? And almost harder to bear, is that, that is totally up to us. We have to make the why. We have never been given the why. We have always been in charge of making the why for ourselves, and then making it a reality. But when you’re out of energy from a fight…you have nothing left to construct yourself yet another why. So, you are left there in this barren wasteland of heartbreak and hurt and blurry days, wondering if you’ll ever have that spark of passion in you to find another why and pursue it.

And you hate. You hate everything except the one that hurt you. You hate everyone else for being right, or for being wrong, or for just being. You hate yourself and everything you do. You hate drivers, and walkers, and rude people, and happy people, and awful people. You hate people that have what they want, and the weather and weekends. You hate rainy days and memories and dreams. You hate yourself for not being enough. You just harbour such hate for a world that hates you.
05eb0bc07a61243624d14f810e0abd06And we are told to be strong, because ‘nobody chases a weak woman’. Nobody loves you if you don’t love yourself…
In a world where we are cheated, lied to, beaten, raped, hurt, instilled with guilt and punished for doing the right thing in so many cases, we are then told to be strong and endure. You can do this. You are better than that. You will be fine. You have always been strong before. You got this.

I don’t. I don’t ‘have this’. What I have is…nothing. I got nothing. After years of hope and future dreams, all shattered in a day, a week, a month, and finally a photograph, I have no fight, no hope, and no plan. What I do have is this slowly settling fog which assures to keep me warm and safe until I can leave the house without fear of hurting someone else. I have my two beautiful dogs who keep looking at me with pain and empathy in their eyes. I have alcohol and coffee, and enough food to see me through the first few foggy days, sort of. And past that…I don’t know. But what I don’t have is ‘this’. Not in the slightest.
13043534_603001243183815_4960545087661802081_nNeither do I have any understanding of how one person can do this to another if love was ever in the mix. I don’t have that. I’m glad I don’t understand. Maybe it means my heart, whilst shattered on the floor, still beats with human blood. I have always led my life by my heart, and if doing so makes me weak, then so be it. I can’t change that.

I just won’t be giving it to anyone else to step on ever again. I’m done.

Goodnight Kids, take care.
V