My Monster

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“Shed a tear ’cause I’m missin’ you, I’m still alright to smile I think about you every day now, Was a time when I wasn’t sure But you set my mind at ease, There is no doubt You’re in my heart now Said, take it slow, It’ll work itself out fine All we need is just a little patience”

So apparently they’re not just Gunners lyrics…apparently this ‘Patience’ thing is…a Thing.

I may have mentioned before (just once or twice) that I’ve never had much of it. Over the last few years we’ve become acquainted, and although I still haven’t quite got the hang of it…we’re slowly learning to co-exist. I wouldn’t say we’re comfortable with each other yet…maybe edging towards being at the awkward room-mate stage? You see, I’ve always been more of a spontaneous kind of person. I’m ‘wanty’ and passionate about things. If we have to wait for something, it means we can’t have it now…and now is the most important time we have. This is the most accurate summary I could find on what I think ‘The P word’ means to me… patienceIt means that due to some outside circumstance governing any particular situation, you have to wait. You can’t have, or do, what you want…and there’s nothing you can do about it. And I fucking hate that. *petulantly stomps foot*

Right now, it feels like ‘Patience’ is the Monster that I have to keep fighting to control, to establish the right balance of calm, with what is happening in the ho-hum, every day stuff. I have to try and keep it together now, in line with the whole ‘good things come to those who wait’ rubbish. So this is probably more like what it looks like on the inside… Me vs ‘Patience’. images (41)

Of course it’s a lot more complicated than that. Patience is not the only demon in this equation. There’ a whoooole other pack of them that I’ve had to put to rest… 1476062_639931896059667_368133898_n …fear, doubt, distrust, self esteem issues. But, they’re under control for the better part. The uncertainty just stems from being stuck in this void of not knowing what is happening. We never really do, but nobody likes a constant reminder of that. It’s flat out frustrating, being so close and yet so far. images (42)Further from that, (yes it goes deeper) is needing ( and yes, I’m pretty sure this is a normal human requirement) the reassurance, that lets you know it will still all be okay, in the end at least. Not a plan, a date, a time, a detailed update…just a simple word.
Fuck… ‘Hello’ would suffice. 10614128_785220271530828_6797317972514683308_n I have said I would trust and believe, let sleeping dogs lie, and I plan to. I am. I have to for this to work, I know. It’s just that every now and then my Monster tries to convince me otherwise. It may seem like it sometimes…but against all odds, he’s not winning yet.

I hope you all have your monsters under control kids. Cheers V

Beyond the cloud

nt-unlimited-speed-signAs usual my brain has been exceeding the natural speed limit…a lot. Christmas was surprisingly good given the variables, the extended New Years Eve celebrations were awesome, and other things that surrounded, or perhaps even clouded, those events…were fucking heart-wrenching.

In the past few weeks, there have been so many highs and lows, a total mess of ‘if’s’ and ‘maybe’s’ that if you likened it to a roller coaster, it may resemble this one… BS  bz-roller-coaster-china Exhibit A: a confusion of both the clarity of straight lines and plateaus, followed by thoughts twisting over on themselves, looping and doubling, often to just find themselves back at the beginning. The thing is, and anyone who knows me will testify to this certainly…I don’t do roller coasters.

I’ve been waiting for the year to begin, that magical moment when you have a plan. Something solid to believe and look forward to. While I was waiting, the year began without me. We’re one & a half weeks in already it appears… Wasn’t Christmas just yesterday??

So, today I sat down over coffee with a friend or two and thought a few things out. The happy feely touchy, “what do you want to do with your life?” junk…So there’s this…
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And this…(omg…what have I let you talk me into here!!??)
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And then this…(for starters)
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Which means getting used to a whole lot more of these…
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But I’m okay with that. In fact, I’m almost ready to admit, that I’m looking forward to doing more things that physically push me. In truth, lately it’s the purely physical things that leave me feeling better and the non-physical stuff that’s happening, that scares me more, so this should be a walk in the park right?
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What’s so scary about boarding a few gravity-defying, metal objects hurtling through the upper atmosphere, a few stupid-high cliffs to walk off, a few challenges…when you have already terrifyingly put your most important internal organ on the line? Because of course, underneath it all, there’s still this…
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But that?…everything about it…I don’t know. I’m not even presuming to know what’s happening. I got nothing.

I’m an incurable romantic. I’m wanty. I jump without testing the water. I’m not making any apology for that, because the world needs us, as much as it needs the logical thinkers that cross their t’s. It creates the right balance.
I follow my heart. But…I just need to start following it everywhere. Blinkers are for horses.

Cheers Kids-take care of you 😉
V