Isolate and medicate

Hi Kids,
This seems to be the end of the road. I’m just not up to it any more. This blog all started over pizza, with this wonderful guy, and a lack of manners. It was thoughtful and light. It’s ending here because it has morphed into something else entirely, something dark and inward. Life has changed, and not. It’s not true any more, it’s not truthful, so I’ve decided it should end.
It was a place I thought I could come to with my thoughts and just spew them onto a blank page, without thought to who was reading them, and what consequences that may have. It was this anonymous platform to vent my innermost complaints and feelings without consequence. I thought I could bare my soul to strangers and feel better for it, but that is not what I can do.

You see, what I write here skims barely the surface. The things I have to hold back, of who and what I really am, what I desire, feel and want, and what I am willing to do to stay true to those things, is not something I am apparently willing or able to share with the world. I’m not sure I even understand it completely myself. And the underlying truth being, it is not anonymous. And it’s not fair, it’s deceptive, to just share a small piece of me. The ‘okay’ piece.
You see, I am too much for some people, and not enough for some people, and more often, not enough even for myself. I am unsure of…everything. I have no pearls of wisdom to share with the world (because I can’t fucking even figure it out myself), and no way to make it a better place to be. I am not anyones’ anything. I am just me…and left wanting. So I come here, and try to make sense of things, be real, but even that I cannot do. The hopes and fears that drive me, I don’t disclose, for the very fear of losing what it is I truly love, yet even that, a battle lost. Things that are so deeply ingrained in my heart refuse to let go. I am not who you think I am. I am not who I say I am. I am not who you want me to be.
I offered you a story…the story, my story, but I’m sinking. And I’m not willing to share it. I’ve let you down. I’m sorry. It was just another hopeful fairytale that turned into a sad story of broken things…but it’s not in my nature to  break promises, so I’ll hope I never made that one, and move on. Thanks for hanging in there, for reading, for replying, for whatthefuck ever, for everything.




Someone told me this week that I was ‘living the dream’. I thought it was a joke. They weren’t joking. Living. The. dream.
Because I changed my life in some ways, because I ran away, or moved forward, or however you wish to see it. Because I went my own way, in more ways than people realise. Because I did it alone and far away. Because I left my comfort zone, hoping for more. Because I made it…make it, sound so great. I’m pretty good at that by now. But look at Facebook..isn’t everybody these days?
So let me say this…if this is anybodys dream, then they have their standards set WAY too low. It’s just different. Period. And tonight, it’s far from a dream, it’s fucked. Last night it was tolerable, the night before intoxicated, the night before that similar, a week ago confusingly fantastic, the week prior very messy. It’s volatile at best. I’m volatile…at best. There’s lots of confusion and pain, anger and complication. Because that’s what people are. Complicated. And that’s what they do. Complicate. They take something simple and complicate the living fuck out of it.

And some days, when it’s grey and rain soaked and cold, all you want is love, and comfort, and to just feel warm and pain free. Just to feel once again, like everything might be alright. To have a moment that you can stay safe in, and not notice the world feeling like it’s crumbling down outside. Just a moment, where it doesn’t feel like everything is so damn hard, and forced, and fucking complicated. Just one moment, where somehow you…matter.

There is no dream, there are just degrees of change. The dream has disappeared. There are sunny, good days, filled with smiles and distraction. There are days where I laugh and joke with friends, socialise and explore the world, and days where I want to be far from it all. And there are days I struggle to even breathe. I breathe, because the ratio of good to bad days is as volatile as I am, and the thought of not knowing what comes next wins. I breathe because hope is not yet exhausted beyond possibility. I breathe, because there are still moments, and as fleeting as they are, they are worth breathing for. In and out.

So, I sit here and write this to calm myself, and get it out and away. I write, and draw, and make…to fill the time between moments, and in doing so, create new moments for myself. And I regain control of something that masquerades as momentary peace, but looked at more closely, is possibly just numbness. And I try to sleep, so I can wake up, and maybe the new day will hold more moments…



Goodnight Kids

After Dark

So, I had this plan tonight. I was going to do the things. I was going to make the most of time. I was going to make the stuff. I was going to write the blog. And then I stopped for just too long to think. And I poured a drink, and the rest is history. After talking, and a lot of tears and memories, this may be possibly the best way to condense it all for now. Because I’m tired, inside and out. Because I’m hurting a lot of years worth of hurt. And because for the first time in a very long time…right this minute…I don’ t think I have anything left in me to say…

Screen Shot 2018-03-20 at 8.54.50 pmab1fb7486d49525a13b6befe179e109a27867344_1325232177612615_4903408076214966890_nec006b8ba2becb842aeee9ab55a7c3c2Goodnight Kids.

Say what you need to say

An open letter to all of those I miss…

I think of you often. I wish you were still here. You were taken, unexpectedly or purposefully. You left, by accident or by choice. But however and whenever it happened…you are gone. Gone from my everyday. There is a void, an emptiness where you once were. The light of the world has dimmed a little each time with every loss. It’s not as vibrant, or peaceful. It spins on, but it is a lesser place for you not being in it. For some, for many, for…me.

I wish just one more time I could hear your laugh, your insane chuckling laugh, while you were up to no good. You know the one, don’t deny it. It meant trouble was under foot. Something we would joke about and never regret, even when we got caught. Lucky phones weren’t used so much for pictures back then! But it was all just fun, we never caused any harm. I miss that grin, that carefree, no fucks given attitude. Everything was okay, okay?

I miss the way you were rough and tumble, but underneath you had this big soft heart. I miss the way your Mum was so comfortable and happy in a room, until the heaviness of your absence filled it. I miss the cheeky, sassy quips, and the equally caring softness you had about you. I miss seeing the way you made a house a home, and completed a family so perfectly.

I miss your touch, your scent, the way you looked at me like I was the only one in the world, even if just in that moment. I miss craving each other, and the tense anticipation of our next meeting. The ridiculously long phone calls, where we talked about everything, and then some more. My person. I miss falling asleep against your chest, and waking to find myself still in your arms. I miss the way you set yourself free when we were together, as if nothing else in the world should matter…because it didn’t. It felt peaceful, and loved.

I miss your presence in my day. The way you always noticed the things nobody else did…a new perfume, shade of lip colour, haircut, tint in my sunglasses. I miss the random dinners, and cigarette breaks, chocolate visits and conversations. I miss the conversations, where you saw right through the bullshit and cut to the chase. You played a hand in my ‘self’ journey, of seeing that I was more. I couldn’t lie to you, not that I much tried. And I would listen through all the goddamn boring stock-market stories over again, if I could just have more time.

I miss the way you would curl up and sleep with me when I had nightmares, and I knew you were always there. I wish I had known you wouldn’t always be. So many things I would have said, but I didn’t…because I was so young…and I didn’t know. I miss that you called me by a name that nobody else did, and that it was said with pride and love every time. Like I was this special little thing that you loved, and wanted to show off to the world. You just wanted me to be who I was. I loved how you used to put on music and dance around the room, and how sometimes, I think…I hope…I see a little of you in myself. I loved how everyone loved you, and that you had so much passion for everything you did. And how you were so resilient, and creative, and warm. You wrote so beautifully, and my fingers trace those letters even now. I hope you are proud of who I have become, but some days I give myself more cause to wonder.

I miss that you tried so hard to do the right thing by us, and even though you could be so gruff and grumpy, there was no doubt you loved me. Your stubbornness and unwavering resolve made you tough, but she never failed to make you smile at the end of every day. You just lit up around her, and that shell softened. Not your hands though, they weren’t soft!…but your guidance and discipline helped make me who I am, and I am thankful. I miss the hearing the workbooks tromp down the hallway before even the morning light had, and the rumble of the truck engine pulling away. Still. Always.

If only they could see. Maybe they can. Goodnight Kids.

Truth Potato

Ba9K1KcHX1E-png__880This week has been huge. On every level and with every meaning possible. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually HUGE. I wrote a post a short while back about a development course I would be attending, based largely on sarcasm and defensiveness, my two main ‘go-to’ methods of human interaction. Ironically, they were two of the things I explored while I was there. And more than I would openly admit most, what happened behind closed doors affected me more than I believed it could (which is true of most things that happen behind my closed doors).

The program centred, not specifically on work function, but the ability to, well…function. To function in life. To function as an adult. To function as a balanced, or even an unbalanced human being. A human being with a massive backload of trauma, emotions and unresolved issues, to be more specific. Pretty sure that covers most of us, some more than others, a few of us in particular.

I went in the door, with a lot of people saying that I would ‘learn a lot about myself’, but I didn’t. I didn’t learn anything new about who I am, and I wasn’t particularly surprised by any of the test results, circumflexes, bar graphs or charts. But what I did learn, was ‘why’ I am. More importantly, I learnt that it’s not just okay to be the way I am, but that it is totally justifiable. I learnt that I look very different from other peoples perspective, to the way I look from my own. I learnt that I don’t need to change, but just to adjust my approach to some situations. I learnt that people can inspire others, simply by example.
BdczifKnv0d-png__880I learnt other things this week too. And they weren’t from any trip or course. They were directly from the universe itself, and learnt simply by watching and really listening. They were through other people, and my reaction to any given situation. I learnt from inside myself, and painstakingly yet patiently, remembering and understanding my own emotions, and applying that understanding, to accept others emotional states. I learnt to give what I wish to get. I learnt to take a step back when needed, and a step forward when it should be taken. Sometimes it’s really hard to do, but often it can get you to better places, physically and emotionally.
6abab300780df5bd4378a43d9adf154bI’m not getting ahead of myself and saying that I have suddenly been totally spiritually and emotionally enlightened. It was 3 days of introspection. Hardly time to dig deep into ones psyche, yet it did scratch the surface quite deeply. I still don’t have all the answers…But I do have the gateway to some of my own answers. I think I have stepped through into a space, where I feel more confident in what I want, who I am, and what I can achieve. I am perhaps one small step closer to becoming a more adultier adult. And every now and then, we have to look inside our own minds and hearts and actively do this, because essentially, and with few genuine exceptions…
BaT-FSqHieu-png__880So…that means we have to care for ourselves. There are only so many times you can self medicate with pain, adrenaline, alcohol, ignorance, or any other drug of choice, before they simply become another addiction. We have to give those fucks about what pains, tortures, and weighs on us. We have to be the ones to change our situations or make our choices, to find what truly makes us happy, brings us peace, and makes our lives better. We have to accept and understand, and then differentiate between the reality, of what seems like it will/does/should make living worthwhile…and what actually does. We have to throw out conventional thinking, perhaps let down some defences, and search for our own truth. Sometimes it’s right there in front of you.
BeIln2inSRl-png__880One of the recurring themes in the material (and it was explained by concept, and then by research result) really struck my chord, perhaps because it is already in my truth. And that is, that our hearts react, most importantly, and most actively, to anything that life throws at us. It reacts, in fact, hundreds of times more, and faster, than logic/brain. Physically as a muscle, and emotionally/mentally, as a basis for our thought process, it reacts first. Our powerful hearts, in conjunction with our Limbic system (which centres on learned reactions, nostalgia, emotion, trauma etc), literally pre-determine coming events, and brace themselves for impact. Awareness changes impact and reaction. Simple equation. So…Love can ‘literally’ fix broken things.
That’s enough reflection for today. My head’s still spinning quite badly from the trip itself, and focusing is not doing me any favours. There’s also a grey, empty feel to the day in me, so perhaps resting my heart should take priority.

Take the time to take care of yourselves Kids. There’s only one you. And you’re worthy.



An adult ticket please…

Someone said to me this week, that I was getting better at the whole ‘adulting’ thing. It was a sarcastic remark, relating to my out-dated fear of plane travel, yet it made me think about the whole concept of ‘adulting’ and what it really is. When we’re kids, we can’t wait to grow up and be able to do all the things that adults do, whilst remaining oblivious to the responsibilities and pressure it brings with it. An innocent and naive wish, filled with blurry dreams of travel, alcohol, parties, non-existent curfews and self government.

We hit the late teens/early twenties and it seems that it’s all roses, just doing whatever we want, and then by the time you start getting bills and paying rent, the whole sheen starts to dull. We realise that to play, you must first work, and quite often the obligations must be fulfilled before the pleasures. We start worrying more about social etiquette, and what the right and wrong things are. We are forced to become polite and diplomatic in many situations, and sacrifice things we really want for many different reasons.

But when it comes down to it, a lot of the things we see as pressure and crisis, are situations we have caused, or brought upon ourselves. Not to say that outside influence doesn’t play a role…sometimes shit just happens…it’s just that our reaction and actions in response to things, are what can make the bigger difference. If we remained calmer and stopped over-thinking so much, it could have a different outcome. If we stopped worrying about every possible consequence it would probably have a similar effect.

I aways say that ‘Life is simple, but people make it complicated’, and I really believe that. We don’t always prioritise the things we want, and the things we need, properly, ultimately creating confusion and stress for ourselves. We place a decent amount of over-importance on things we believe should be, and less on the things that really are. We put ourselves in situations that force or restrict our hand, and corner us into places we don’t want to be. But if we just took a step back and looked on it with simpler views, perhaps some of that pressure/stress might just melt away.

Prioritising things that matter now, things that always did, never really did, and things that still will in time, seems to be a good starting point. Things we can and can’t change, or overcome, and things we have to deal with as they are, slides into second. Things that we really want, and those that will help us get what we want.

More than all of that, adulting is about coming to the realisation that we are all just here for ourselves. It is all about you. It means we shouldn’t have to explain ourselves to anyone, to make excuses, or simply do what we’re told. That there will always be a really shit time, which will be the hardest thing you’ve ever felt, but it can pass or get easier to bear…if you can just hold on.
That we can have as many secrets as we want, and if people don’t like it, or you, they can go back to their own lives and get on with them. It’s about realising what is most important to you, and acting accordingly. It’s about not walking on eggshells around someone, or doing things simply to placate or please them, if you just don’t want to. It’s about being where you want, when you want, with who you want. It’s about allowing yourself to have fun, and let go when you need to. It’s about not having to get approval for anything you do, or judging others for their decisions (unless that decision is to wear white pants). It’s about being honest with yourself, and admitting who you are, and what you really want.

It’s about loving and protecting what’s important to you, and having the courage to do so. It’s about having the patience and persistence to see goals and dreams come to fruition. It can be about making plans, cancelling plans, or even changing plans. It’s about doing *some* things you don’t enjoy, but only for a greater self fulfilling purpose. It’s about honouring your word, to yourself and others. It’s about not being steadfast where you don’t need to be, and accepting good things that come your way with open arms. It’s about something totally different for every single person. There is no right or wrong way to ‘adult’. It really IS about you.

Have a plan Kids, or don’t. Figure out what really matters. And always stick to rule#32…

Work it Out.

I am being sent by work, to Wine Country, to do a ‘personal effectiveness program’ soon, and the prep was to fill in a survey. It was a multiple page questionnaire on how you view yourself. This alone presents many challenges, the first being exactly how truthful you should be. I decided to BE. I was as honest as possible, to the point where they will probably be wondering why I am even fucking working there. They also likely now think I am a hostile, evil, twisted, socially unacceptable, nasty bitch. Oh wait…

It actually asked questions like ‘Are you hostile?’, ‘Do you follow?’, ‘Do you need to be accepted?’, and ‘Do you accept rules without question?’, ‘Do you do things just to receive praise?’ I mean FFS…really? Now I know there are people out there like that, but sorry, I’m not one of them. Is that a bad thing? A good thing? Indifferent? I was told the very first week I started, that I wouldn’t last. Not because I couldn’t do it, but because it would frustrate and infuriate me, being stuck in an office, behind a desk, with zero flexibility for creative input. People underestimate my ability to (sadly) deal with mediocrity when required, so here I am. There are perks, problems, and people. There are good people. There are small problems. The bills are paid. Done.

There are a lot of things weighing on my mind right now. Love, lust, loss and lethargy. The weight of the world on my shoulders. First world problems. My world problems. So, maybe I’m not a blazing ray of sunshine some days…ok, most days…ok, many days at all…but I keep up appearances where they are required, and internally stabilise my ‘losing my shit completely’ function. I’m really tired. Tired physically, from resisting rest, and emotionally, from being such an erratic mess. I’m tired of wanting more of some things, and less of others. I’m tired of wanting more from myself, that some days I just don’t have to give. And honestly, I don’t think there’s a ‘fix’. I think after all this time, I’m just accepting that’s the way I am.

One of the questions was ‘Do you overthink things?’. I actually laughed out loud. Then someone commented they didn’t think I was like that…that I seemed more spontaneous. I was almost speechless. I really had nothing. I was pretty sure that you could literally see the fifteen million tabs open in my brain, behind my eyes at any given moment. Apparently not as obvious as I presumed. That’s not to say I don’t make decisions that seem spontaneous, totally irrational, or just utterly self-destructive. But you should know that a LOT of thought goes into them first. My stupid decisions are certainly not impetuous. They are the result of a long and complicated, twisted process. Completely type A.

Then there’s the ‘Do you trust people?’, ‘Do you accept what you are told without question?’…Hell no. Why would I? I have been lied to and left wanting throughout my entire life. Part of the whole overthinking mechanism is to question the validity and reality of everything. Your brain just naturally takes every little aspect of words into account, from current situation, past history, intelligence, risk, motivation, emotion and perspective, to blind faith. Then you go one step further, and weigh up the possibilities and probabilities of what has actually been said being true. Then there’s ways and means of simply finding truths and details. And in that vein, I have also become very well versed in knowing more than I say. Keeping private things private. Secret things secret. My things mine.
The final question was the coffin nail, if ever there was one…’How comfortable did you feel answering this survey honestly?’. This was maybe the question which determined whether you were really a people pleaser, an anti-social bitch…or perhaps just how much you value your current employment situation. I figured if they don’t already have an inkling of what I’m like by now, then I probably shouldn’t be there. I have a filter, but it’s not a very strong one. And I’ve been told on more than one occasion, that what my words don’t say, my face gives away, so there’s that.

Anyway, I’ll be amongst it, with all the touchy-feely vibes soon enough, and know if it’s a worthwhile endeavour, or if finding out more about me, will just make these people turn pale and question their HR department.
Either way, it’s something different, and hey…we may all learn something new.

Cheers Kids,