It pours…

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Today is dark and wet and confining. The rain is belting down outside, leaving me caged inside with my girls, trying to both accomplish tasks that long should have been done, and motivate myself to start new things. To be honest, I’m finding it hard to focus on anything much. The jobs are getting done, slowly and in a very mixed up kind of fashion, but done.

I’ve tried to get the mundane everyday chores done, amidst making new products for the business, cooking experiments and spending time with my two ‘needys’. (The rain does this to them as much as me I feel. They ‘need’ to be around me, getting attention and love.) I even bit the bullet and just went out in the rain and washed the bike…but even after all of this, it doesn’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything. Or maybe a better way of putting it would be, I don’t feel accomplished.

I feel selfish today, because there’s something missing. Every day there’s something missing. And…just for today…I’m okay with feeling totally selfish and wanty, because that’s just the way I feel. I want things to be different, and better, and happy…and complete. I want all the things in my day to give me a sense of accomplishment, because I am not constantly thinking of being somewhere else. I want this feeling of everything being on hold to be over, so I can focus on making life amazing. I want to not be missing something. I want.

I’m not asking for the world…
I just want rainy days to be something to look forward to, to curl up inside of, to keep the world away…

…with you.
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Cheers Kids
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Duct tape can’t fix everything.

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You know what I always thought. I thought I was broken. I didn’t fit. Not into people, places… Not into life. I didn’t fit. My mould was askew from the beginning.
As time passed, I always felt ‘on the outside’. Social circles, family, work…people…acceptance. The black sheep. I was just a damaged product of everything that had happened/was happening to me. A product of what people had done to me, what I had done to myself.
Not a person…just a result, a product of pain, distance and hurtful, selfish, thoughtless actions.
Even now…I have trouble with the thought that I am more than that some days.

There are days I don’t want to be around anyone, talk to anyone…some days even just being with myself is hard. Some days I just don’t want to be happy. I want to be sad and hurt, and feel the weight of the world and what it has done to me. In perspective, there are people who have been through worse, I know…but that’s where being selfish comes into it. My life is what I have experienced, so it’s what I know. It’s what affects me.
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I’ve done things to try and feel better, to make the past just that, to make the future a slate clean of the mental baggage, to make the days brighter. But forgetting is not an option.

What I need, is to just be okay with who I am, regardless of why, and from where I came.
I need to be okay with the fact that I can’t change the past, but I can try and make the future into what I need/want it to be.
I need to accept that I have learned good things from the bad things, and gained strength and determination from the hard choices.
I need to accept that I don’t need to make apologies for the way I chose to fix what others had broken.
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I have had a long time to think about all of this, a lifetime (in my personal unit of measurement) in fact, to rearrange and prioritise thoughts and events. I realised something that doesn’t make all the hurtful things go away, but it helped to make more sense of them in my head… It’s not me.
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I’m not broken…they are.
The ones who did the hurting, the hating, the indifference, the abuse-physical, mental and emotional. The ones who can transfer any level of pain onto another person without thought, guilt or fear of consequence. The ones who can hurt a person, look them in the eye and then walk away with their head up. The ones who know someone is hurting, and hurt them some more. The ones who feel justified to do what they want to someone without care or empathy.
They…they are the broken ones.

Sure, I have the damage, I have the emotional conflict, I have made choices I am not proud of at times, I have experienced more than some, I have regrets, but I have never intentionally hurt anyone. I have never used anyone for the sole purpose of my own egotistical gain.

“We’re all damaged, it seems. Some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood, then as grown-ups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately, we all do damage. And then, we set about the business of fixing whatever we can.”
MEREDITH-Greys Anatomy.

My wounds are scars. They have healed to that extent, but sometimes even scars itch. They threaten to tear and spill your soul bare to the world. They threaten to weaken you as a person. They try to stop you from letting yourself move forward and open yourself to good, wholesome, enriching experience in the future.
But I am refusing to let them.
Because it’s the future that I can see. I can see hope…and feel love, so the past can stay right where it is.

Cheers Kids
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