This seems to be the end of the road. I’m just not up to it any more. This blog all started over pizza, with this wonderful guy, and a lack of manners. It was thoughtful and light. It’s ending here because it has morphed into something else entirely, something dark and inward. Life has changed, and not. It’s not true any more, it’s not truthful, so I’ve decided it should end.
It was a place I thought I could come to with my thoughts and just spew them onto a blank page, without thought to who was reading them, and what consequences that may have. It was this anonymous platform to vent my innermost complaints and feelings without consequence. I thought I could bare my soul to strangers and feel better for it, but that is not what I can do.
You see, what I write here skims barely the surface. The things I have to hold back, of who and what I really am, what I desire, feel and want, and what I am willing to do to stay true to those things, is not something I am apparently willing or able to share with the world. I’m not sure I even understand it completely myself. And the underlying truth being, it is not anonymous. And it’s not fair, it’s deceptive, to just share a small piece of me. The ‘okay’ piece.
You see, I am too much for some people, and not enough for some people, and more often, not enough even for myself. I am unsure of…everything. I have no pearls of wisdom to share with the world (because I can’t fucking even figure it out myself), and no way to make it a better place to be. I am not anyones’ anything. I am just me…and left wanting. So I come here, and try to make sense of things, be real, but even that I cannot do. The hopes and fears that drive me, I don’t disclose, for the very fear of losing what it is I truly love, yet even that, a battle lost. Things that are so deeply ingrained in my heart refuse to let go. I am not who you think I am. I am not who I say I am. I am not who you want me to be.
I offered you a story…the story, my story, but I’m sinking. And I’m not willing to share it. I’ve let you down. I’m sorry. It was just another hopeful fairytale that turned into a sad story of broken things…but it’s not in my nature to break promises, so I’ll hope I never made that one, and move on. Thanks for hanging in there, for reading, for replying, for whatthefuck ever, for everything.