Knock, knock…

So This post may possibly be multi-faceted and jump around a lot. But that, at the moment, is how my thought process is working, so please bear with it. If at any point you lose it, just go back and read slower. 😛

The past weeks have been tense, mixed, neurotic, unsettled. The natives are restless. Something is in the air. Change, and for the better? Perhaps. For the worse?, we’ll see. But change.
I have been set the task by my own mind of evaluating life and all it presents or promises, and figuring out what it is I ask of it. What do I want? Tough call.
The cop out of course, is to ask happiness. But that in itself is not enough. Asking happiness alone, is simply posing another question…what makes you happy? That is the real question, and only one person can really answer it.
So here are the things that I currently know make me happy. The certainties, as best as I can phrase them right now, in no particular order.
*The dogs.
*Being with someone who wants me to be/ makes me happy and vice versa.
*Creating, whether it be sketching, crafting, gardening etc. Just creating something where something was once not.
*Independence. Being free to do my own thing.
*Stability. Knowing my world will not fall from beneath me.(as it has before in many different ways)
*Learning. Absorbing new things of my choosing.
*Riding. Although it’s been a while, I want back on my bike.
*Friends. My real friends, although few, are people I need in my life.
*Self expression. The freedom to be myself.
*Passion. In everything. Always.

So, while it will all come slowly, a lot of thinking, calculating, talking, exploring and other more hard to pronounce verbs (and a few expletives) have been used to try and work it through.
I have entrusted friends with my most difficult thoughts. I have made decisions only to overrule them minutes later. I have made others that have been set with steely resolve. I have been angered, sad, frustrated, happy, anxious, loved, wanted, comforted, hurt and disappointed.
And yet I find myself still searching for answers both from within and in others. It’s complicated.

Amongst all of this, I have noticed (must be something with the lunar phase yes?) that a lot of the people who make up the network of ‘my people’, have also been dealt crossroad cards themselves.
I have seen a long term relationship break apart with no specific surprise from onlookers, and a short term one end to the disbelief of many.
I have both consoled and supported a friend in need. Because at some point, people need to be reminded that they are not alone….whether they want to be or not.

I have learnt a little more about some people, and a lot more about others. People who have chosen to let me be a closer part of their lives. I have shared things about myself that were stored in that ‘throw away the key’ kind of box, to let them know I want them to be a closer part of mine. Everyone has one.

As cyclonic as most of this sounds, it is predominantly in my head, so no need to run for cover. Not just yet anyway. If all hell breaks loose, I’m sure you’ll all hear it coming from whatever corner of the globe you hail.

This week, I have also remembered the day, a year past, that I lost a part of myself. Has it really been that long/short a time?

But time is ticking by, so now I am going to go and curl up tight under that fur blanket with the fur-babies snuggled up either side, and try to sleep to the calming sound of rain falling outside. If I do sleep, I will no doubt fall away,deep and dark, but if I do dream…what colourful dreams they will be.

Sleep tight all…