Let’s talk about…

SEX. Yes, let’s.
Let’s face it, it’s not really a taboo subject any more is it? Well, even if it is, let’s anyway.
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Have you ever had really amazing sex? Honestly?…the kind that turns you on just thinking about it, the kind you can fantasize over for days, weeks, months, years on end…the kind that leaves you unquestionably satisfied in every way? The kind you thought you knew existed…but realised you really didn’t until that point?

I can only speak for myself here…but I’m talking about the kind of sex that you have with a partner you want in every way (and no…not THAT kind of EVERY way), but emotionally, physically and totally. The kind of sex where both people want nothing more than to make each other feel everything they should and more. Selfish, selfless, hot, passionate, loving, wet, hard, soft, gentle, rough, complete sex.
The kind of sex that leaves you smiling for a very long time and just wanting more and more?…
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By now, I imagine many of you are either nodding with a smile on your faces (and have possibly lost a little bit of concentration on what I am writing, due to resurfacing memories) or reading on to find out exactly what in the hell I’m talking about. If you have had this, you know…and if you haven’t… you want to know.
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First, let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that sex isn’t a really important part of a relationship or just some physical ‘thing’, because it really is. You may know someone, like them or even love them, but until you have that physical contact, until your lips first touch theirs, your bodies are first against each others…it’s not complete. It can make or break the connection between two people, or in some cases reinforce it.

Some people prefer the term ‘making love’, but let’s face it…it’s not really. It’s a primitive urge, a desire. While it may be emotional, it’s still the place, where you want nothing more than to be entwined with another person’s physical body so closely that you feel you may never come apart, a skin to skin melding where you feel the heat of their body against your own. It is sensual, but it is passionate and raw. Your body reacts in ways you can’t control, to the sight or touch of another body, at the drive of your mind.
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If you have had this you know exactly where I’m coming from (no pun intended).
Sometimes, if you are lucky enough to find them, there is just that someone that  understands exactly what you want (even when you don’t) and knows how to give it to you. They listen, they watch, they pay attention. They know when to stop something…and when not to. They show you things you didn’t know you liked, until they proved you did…
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So, here’s the problem with having amazing sex…(I know most of you at this point are wondering how there could be a down-side to this)… What happens when you can no longer have it?

Sure, there’s sex with other people, but the thought just doesn’t seem to compare. Without sounding like an egotistical woman, I know that if I wanted sex, all I’d have to do is make a call, but I haven’t…don’t want to. Let’s face it, the thought of average or unknown awkward sex with someone is less appealing than expending the energy you have to put into it. I want what I want, and I know exactly what that is. Yes, I said I was a woman that knows what she wants *gasp*.
It may sound shallow to miss something as purely physical as sex with someone, but it’s not really that simple. It’s about the connection you have with that person and the intimacy of it. It’s about knowing how good it CAN be and not wanting to settle for less.
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Here we get to the part where you start thinking ‘Well that can’t be the only person who can do it right?’. Maybe you’re right, but it has taken me this long (kind of) to find someone who has it right, that I don’t want to look any further. Someone said to me “Just get out there and have fun, don’t be afraid to ‘use’ a few people’. Not my thing I’m afraid-sorry.
I’ve just found what I want. Everything I want, in who I want, and this is just a part of it. Simple.
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So, I guess it just means I stay ‘out of the loop’ for a while *tense sigh*. Trying to put energy into other things just doesn’t cut it, but it will have to suffice…Gym, work, hobbies. After all, the heart wants what the heart wants, and apparently the body does too.

XX-V

Switch

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I used to think I was pretty switched on to things, sharp enough to protect myself, but everything that has happened in the last year has left me at a loss. I sit here quietly wondering exactly at what point I fucked up so badly, and lost track. So many questions.

I’ve spent the last two weeks searching. Searching for answers. Searching for truth. Searching for direction. Searching for purpose.
A lot of these seemed so elusive to start with. Some still are. I realised some always will be, because they are probably not mine to know. Not my truth, not my answers. Everyone has their own. But this is as far as I have gotten…

I asked someone “Why?” Why would one person do something so crushing to another? Maybe not understanding just how much…but still knowing it would hurt irreparably. Why?  The forthcoming answer could be condensed down to the following…
‘As people, we expect others to act as we do. We expect people to be nice, to be good. But some people are neither nice nor good, and the ones that are, do not have the capacity to understand why not.’
Now, don’t get it wrong, I don’t consider myself to be a ‘good’ person, but there are some traits in humanss that I just don’t ‘get’. Along with animal cruelty, this is apparently one of them.

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I keep asking myself how I could be so blind, so totally taken with someone, to open up and let them so deeply into ‘myself’, and just not ‘see’ they didn’t care? It wasn’t just the words. I’m talking about looking into someone’s eyes and just knowing that something feels right. So, I’m not a trusting person at best, but this…this seemed so real…right up until the point where it wasn’t. So fucking convincingly real.

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It was explained to me quite brutally, that the real reason someone would give up on you for something else, was that the thought of  how it would feel to lose that thing, was more painful than the thought of how it would feel to lose you.

The really hurtful part that hits after you find out that it was not in fact what you believed…that you were not important enough, doesn’t fully sink in straight away, because you are still left with so many questions. Your head spins trying to process what has happened, and the sad truth is, you will never really know or understand. Even sadder, is the fact that you are left wondering which, if any, part of it was real at all.

Trying to pick up the pieces tries to work it’s way in next, very slowly, and the next avalanche of questions hit you. What now? Where now? …and how? Breathe…just breathe. Take the time to breathe, and then figure out what comes next…a109a7e41ecea0b253a8ecc7c4287516

So after much internal deliberation, I needed to start with fixing a few things, in order to try and fix myself. I thought about things in my life that should be prioritised, material, physical and emotional, and concentrated on progressing with them. I confronted the few truths I had in front of me…and shared a few with people who deserved to know the truth.

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All I can say here, is that very few people surprise me…but in doing this, I found that a few still have a small capacity to. And it felt good…taking that risk. Embracing and explaining the truth, at the risk of a bad outcome for myself, and nothing to gain, it felt good.
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I know a new journey has to begin soon, once I can find the strength from somewhere, to engage in anything other than self destruction. One to figure out who I am now and what I want, where I want to go and to do what. I have parts of that sorted, but others escape me completely. My thoughts, that useless tiny strand of meaningless hope (for what, I don’t know) still stops me from letting go and figuring it all out. It’s another why?…

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It’s going to take some time to work it all out, but that’s what it feels like I currently have plenty of. I just know I don’t want to waste any more of it. I have plans on the horizon, some of which I am looking forward to, some that will test me…so, not so much. But after lingering dangerously close for a while, to not requiring any future plans…they are a positive. And that’s all I know.

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XX-V

Just… No.

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When bad things happen, people always come forward to tell you things, mostly out of good intention, but usually because they are the ‘expected’ things to say. The cache of cliches fall thick and fast, until you are drowning in them. They don’t know what else to say, how to help or make you feel better. They can see you hurting and the words they really mean escape them. I may be different, in that I believe in being honest at all cost. It has indeed cost me friends, and other things at times, but I am a strong believer in not sugar-coating the facts for the sake of ignorant peace.

“I hope the ‘next life’ will be kinder…”
No. This is just a comforting fall-back to hold onto. This is the life we have. Now. If there is a ‘next life’ (which is the most uncertain thing ever) we will not be who we are now, and we will not have what we have now. We would make different decisions that lead us to different places. We would live it differently.
The paths of life lead us to the point we are at for a reason. Paths intertwine and dissect and whether by fate, magnetism or something else, people part and reconnect. Some just find it easier to ignore or deny what is clearly placed in front of us. Sometimes it is easier to find reasons or excuses to stay on the path straight ahead, instead of daring to branch off to find happiness in the unknown. But…some things are true whether you believe them or not.
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“If you love something set it free”.
But this has a second part right? “If it returns it is yours, if it doesn’t it was never meant to be”. How about if it returns multiple times, but can’t accept/resists the plan the universe has set out? Should you keep your heart open to love or embrace something that can’t accept love? Should you risk destroying yourself for the sake of another, or let them destroy you? Once again a resounding  No.
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“I love you, but we can’t be together because…”
No. Real love is not a decision, it is barely even just a feeling. It is an uncontrolled desire, a need, a drive, an overwhelming want. True love is an all consuming entity inside you, that makes nothing else matter. It is the stuff that people live and die for, Romeo & Juliet style. It can’t be turned off and on with a switch or a word. You can’t just walk away from it. You know it when you feel it unmistakably. It doesn’t care for the opinions of others or matters of geography. It just is.
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“If you won’t fight for what you want, don’t complain about what you lose”
No. And this one is simple…If you weren’t willing to fight for it with everything you have, then you didn’t want it in the first place. Maybe you thought you did, a fleeting romanticised notion, but your actions reflect what you really want…not your words.
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“You are worth so much more than that”
No. I am not. Before you cast this judgement, you must know me, and the only person that does is me. I am flawed, broken and I have an inglorious past, known entirely only to me, and in part to only one other. I am emotional, irrational, questionably human and possibly slightly insane. I am a very special blend of all fucked up…the same as everyone else. I can see people’s flaws, but can love them regardless for who they are. I am not better than anyone or worth more. It is not about being ‘worth’ more or less. It is about the truth of who we are and what we see in ourselves and others.
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“We don’t deal in I told you so’s here…they’ll come later”
No. Nobody has to ‘tell you so’, because the truth is…we already know. In any situation, deep down, we know the truth. The good truth, the bad truth, the truth of what will or won’t happen, all of it. It’s called intuition. In essence, the only difference is how quickly and willing we are to either act on it, against it…or give up on the fairy-tale, and accept it.
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“Time heals all wounds”
No….it doesn’t. It really doesn’t. Nada. Your wounds stay with you, even make up a part of who you are. They may form scar tissue, but they never heal. Much like you can feel a surface scar when the temperatures drop, when it gets cold on the inside, they hurt more too. Sometimes when you least expect it, but more commonly..all of the time.
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“You’re stronger than this…”
No. I’m not. I have been as strong as I can be, when facing all the trials in my life, but this time doesn’t require strength. You can’t ‘stay strong’ over matters of the heart. It’s a stubborn bitch, and it wants what it wants. It can’t be ignored, or fooled by strength, any more than the sun will stop rising. There is no cure, no fix, no solution. The most we can hope for is a distraction.
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“Be kind to yourself”
No. Nobody gets to say it, and I don’t deserve it. I have been reckless with my own heart, made stupid decisions, been too trusting. I have put myself back to square one, after going full circle and further. Kind is no longer an option. I will deal myself all the committed pain I can…but to be a better being. I will physically smash my body until it hurts as badly as everything else does, until I can find a reason to smile again…even if that smile is not real. Fuck kind.
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“Things will seem better tomorrow”
No. They don’t. Much in the same vein as ‘time heals all wounds’, tomorrow is just another day of the same pain. You don’t look forward to it, or even want to reach it some days. Sure, it gets easier to deal with the pain, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. It’s just another day of more…
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“There are plenty of people out there who will treat you better”
No. Don’t we all just love to hear the old ‘fish in the sea‘ speech? This was my fish. I don’t want any other fish. I have always wanted this fish. I will always want this fish.
I don’t need to be ‘set up’ with your friend,  dating sites, meaningless sex, anyone else…Just stop right there.
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“We learn from our mistakes”
No. I would almost believe this one, but the problem lies in…What…do we learn from them? To not do it again?…no. To protect yourself better?…no. Sure, we learn some things, but the important things seem to escape us completely. Our emotions overcome the lessons learned and we tell ourselves that ‘this time’ things will be different. Sometimes all we learn is that we were willing to make the same mistake again. And even accept the sad truth that, after everything, we would do it again if given the chance…
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And last but not least is my all-time favourite…the most inexperienced, naive, thoughtless thing someone could possibly say…
“Just forget about it”
No. Even if I wanted to, which I don’t, it’s not simple, easy or possible. Anyone who really understood absolutely anything about me, and the type A way in which my brain works…would not have even attempted to utter these words to me. I can’t fathom how it would even be possible to forget something, let alone something that made such a big impact on your life. It would be like telling a paraplegic to just stand up and ‘forget the accident happened’. While you can not physically see the scars, they are still there…but so are the memories, the feelings, the love, the nostalgic moment you get lost in. Your brain doesn’t let you forget anything, combined with the world you live in…scents, music, places, times, dreams. Forgetting is not an option I can choose. From the moment it started, I wasn’t given any choice.

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I will not tell you I am okay. I am not. I am far from it. But I can tell you, that worrying for me will not help. Bombarding me with cliched empathy will not help. Telling me what and how to think or feel will not help.
I will deal with things the only ways I know how to. My own way. I will be angry and hurt and upset. I will talk to a select few people. I will get drunk and hurt and bleed when nobody is around. I will put on a brave face to most, and say everything is okay, when it couldn’t be further from the truth. I will cry as I pack up all the memories left here into a box marked ‘do not open’, because I know I will want to open it.
I have no regrets that I feel this way. It is honest, real hurt. I have no regrets how it came to be. It is honest real love. I don’t regret what happened.
All I regret is that it ended.

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Until whenever kids
XX-V

Cold reality

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Over the past few months a lot has happened…and not happened. Things I wanted to didn’t, things I didn’t want to, did. It has made me think a lot about priorities-what they are and what they should be.

In a ‘complicated world’, with so many things happening, it has been very enlightening actually coming to a conclusion as to what my priorities are…or should I say ‘who’ they are.
It’s this simple… PEOPLE. People are my priority (including my dogs). Not money, possessions, cars, places or anything else material. Things are just things, they come and go, accumulate and decrease, wear out, get replaced, outdated, updated, lose their value. Things don’t last forever. People are important, and that includes me.

Throughout everything that has happened, or not happened to me, the constant thing was the people in my life. They are the difference in my day being a good day or a bad one, a night being a good one or a great one and the difference in me, having the strength to face the next day. People affect me.
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I have had countless coffee dates, visits and epic late night teary phone calls. I have had advice, laughs, drinks and hugs. I have had ears to listen and shoulders to cry on. And at the end of all of these, well needed kicks in the ass and inspiration.

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I don’t want to just live to my life, I want to share my life. I want to share the fun, the sadness, the adventure, the experience of everything new and exciting, the relaxation. I want to share it with the people that are important to me, that I love, that love me, that want me to share in theirs. I want that feeling that you get, when something good happens, and there is someone in your life that you just HAVE to tell.

The people who love you do not determine your value, and should never be allowed to. Nobody is perfect, but some people are perfect for each other. The right people will simply make a place for you in their lives and their time.

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I don’t care where I go, or what I do. I care about who I am.
I fight for the things I want and love, so at the end of the day, I can say ‘I did my best’. If it’s not good enough, it doesn’t matter, I know I tried everything I could. I don’t want to regret missing the chance at something because I didn’t.

So, when it comes to surrounding myself with the right people, I’m starting with myself. I decided after all of this reflection, that I need to be better. Yes, I’m broken, but life goes goes on, and I can exist it out or live it. Pain is a part of it. Hurt is a part of it. But they are not the only parts. There is so much more, if you can only look past the invisible barriers you set yourself, and see it.
I am doing something about the things I can control…the way I look, the way I feel, the way I want to be. To be myself again.

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And I know that while I am looking inward, the people that want to be in my life, the people around me, will be watching over me.
We should all be so lucky.

Cheers XX-V