So today was interesting. I think I may have possibly experienced the full range of emotions known to man (or more likely woman) within just the span of a few short hours. Everything from fear and insecurity (one totally founded on no other basis than the next), to peace and calm. I scooped up, from a sense of self-hatred and questioning, to acceptance, and finally even positivity. The day started bleak, alone…and ended stormy, but with the storm came the kind of dark electricity that can calm you inside and leave you soothed, but with a longing, an ache. Some kind of feeling that the enclosing closeness of a hot rainy night cannot fulfill, but keeps at bay. Kind of like being cocooned into my own small world.
With all these emotions came the flighty fear that things around me were possibly not as they seem, as I hope…no, believe them to be and a stupid…no, a ‘crap’ question. A question that I know I should never have entertained, let alone spoken. But….
At this point I might mention that it doesn’t really matter to anyone else what the question was, the point is, although I already knew the answer, AND shouldn’t have asked it, something in this flurry of overwhelming feelings spurred the need to. To get positive reassurance perhaps, that certainty, the pinch to make sure I was awake. That the dream is not all in my head. We all ask stupid questions at times. Sometimes it’s probably just to hear the answer out loud…
I guess when things seem to be going right, I start to wonder…so I asked. Yes. A single word never sounded so sweet.
After this was settled, so was I. I sat back and thought about everything happening in my life right now and maybe I’m wrong to worry at all?…after all, it’s going forward. The pace is slow, and sometimes hard to detect, but definitely forward.
-I got the chance to go away for a short break to a beautiful relaxed place.
-I have my artwork on display (omg…to the public) in the city. (This pretty much explains my creative process below)…
-I’m working on a commissioned painting that I actually wanted to paint anyway. (see above again)
-My girls are happy and healthy.
-I get to start over in a fresh ‘home’ soon.
-I have a select few great friends (and one or two shady ones)
-I’m feeling better having started to get back in shape. (my jeans were loose on me straight from the dryer today-is there a better feeling? Seriously?..it made me smile-the little things)
-I have no ties, no huge burdens, no responsibilities other than those I choose.
-The future is looking brighter every day.
-I have love, and someone who loves me. Yes. This.
Really, weighing it all up, I can’t complain too loud. I still do, but I shouldn’t. In a nutshell, life is pretty fucking rosy. Maybe it’s just as simple as, when ‘most’ things are going right, there is a greater need for ‘everything’ to be right? Like seeing the finish line so close, but having to crawl to reach it. The pain is that everything you want is just…out…of…..reach! I know I’ve struggled to be anything less than full hot or full cold lately. I mean…I had shoes delivered to my doorstep twice this week and I woke up disappointed that this was what the knock was for.
Did you hear me?? Disappointed that it was only new shoes!!?? WTF is wrong with me??! Ugh.
So I’ve had my dark day. *waves goodbye*. Tomorrow, there is painting to be done, new shoes to wear, things to improve (including me), a motorcycle in the garage screaming for a female touch on the throttle…and changing focus to include all of these good things (and a bonus yes) is a good start (sounds uber positive right?…I know I surprise myself sometimes too?)
Sleep on it Kids, sleep is a good thing.