Brand new shoes

tunnel

So today was interesting. I think I may have possibly experienced the full range of emotions known to man (or more likely woman) within just the span of a few short hours. Everything from fear and insecurity (one totally founded on no other basis than the next), to peace and calm. I scooped up, from a sense of self-hatred and questioning, to acceptance, and finally even positivity. download (5) The day started bleak, alone…and ended stormy, but with the storm came the kind of dark electricity that can calm you inside and leave you soothed, but with a longing, an ache. Some kind of feeling that the enclosing closeness of a hot rainy night cannot fulfill, but keeps at bay. Kind of like being cocooned into my own small world.

With all these emotions came the flighty fear that things around me were possibly not as they seem, as I hope…no, believe them to be and a stupid…no, a ‘crap’ question. A question that I know I should never have entertained, let alone spoken. But….

images (28) At this point I might mention that it doesn’t really matter to anyone else what the question was, the point is, although I already knew the answer, AND shouldn’t have asked it, something in this flurry of overwhelming feelings spurred the need to. To get positive reassurance perhaps, that certainty, the pinch to make sure I was awake. That the dream is not all in my head. We all ask stupid questions at times. Sometimes it’s probably just to hear the answer out loud…
I guess when things seem to be going right, I start to wonder…so I asked. Yes. A single word never sounded so sweet.

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After this was settled, so was I. I sat back and thought about everything happening in my life right now and maybe I’m wrong to worry at all?…after all, it’s going forward. The pace is slow, and sometimes hard to detect, but definitely forward.
-I got the chance to go away for a short break to a beautiful relaxed place.
-I have my artwork on display (omg…to the public) in the city. (This pretty much explains my creative process below)… 779ea68ce4b3ad0406d110c1c5c33049
-I’m working on a commissioned painting that I actually wanted to paint anyway. (see above again)
-My girls are happy and healthy.
-I get to start over in a fresh ‘home’ soon.
-I have a select few great friends (and one or two shady ones)
-I’m feeling better having started to get back in shape. (my jeans were loose on me straight from the dryer today-is there a better feeling? Seriously?..it made me smile-the little things)
-I have no ties, no huge burdens, no responsibilities other than those I choose.
-The future is looking brighter every day.
-I have love, and someone who loves me. Yes. This.
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Really, weighing it all up, I can’t complain too loud. I still do, but I shouldn’t. In a nutshell, life is pretty fucking rosy. Maybe it’s just as simple as, when ‘most’ things are going right, there is a greater need for ‘everything’ to be right? Like seeing the finish line so close, but  having to crawl to reach it. The pain is that everything you want is just…out…of…..reach! I know I’ve struggled to be anything less than full hot or full cold lately. I mean…I had shoes delivered to my doorstep twice this week and I woke up disappointed that this was what the knock was for.
Did you hear me?? Disappointed that it was only new shoes!!?? WTF is wrong with me??! Ugh.

So I’ve had my dark day. *waves goodbye*. Tomorrow, there is painting to be done, new shoes to wear, things to improve (including me), a motorcycle in the garage screaming for a female touch on the throttle…and changing focus to include all of these good things (and a bonus yes) is a good start (sounds uber positive right?…I know I surprise myself sometimes too?)

Sleep on it Kids, sleep is a good thing.
Cheers V

Break away…

The past few weeks have been a significant learning curve for me. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say a curve of ‘realisation and acceptance’ than learning? I took a short break away and came back to a different world than the one I left just a blink ago… change I had invested all my recent time and energy into improving my physical self. I felt (and still do) that it would help my confidence and self-consciousness around others. When I feel better, the confidence to be more ‘myself’ comes with it naturally. When I feel good, I look out and up more often than I look down. After the short break over the last week, I am going to get back into an exercise and healthy eating plan, and continue for the same reason. The goal hasn’t changed, but one very important factor has been included into the equation. This… 10403303_10152480006935827_1619930014219156779_nI had to be reminded of this. That the most important people in your life look past the surface.

In the short space of a week, a whole world of things can change. They can fall together, just as quickly as they can fall apart. Actually maybe it’s less about ‘falling apart’ than moments of undeniable clarity, and the sudden (should have seen this coming kind of) realisation that things are not what they seem, or how you perceive them to be. Sometimes the relationships you think are strong, have hidden weaknesses you just couldn’t see and the ones you thought were faltering, have unimaginable strength, hidden in places you didn’t think to look.

People never cease to surprise me. It’s one of the things I kind of like about life. The element of unpredictability that comes with throwing a bunch of totally different people together on a planet, and just for shits and giggles, saying “Hey-Let’s watch what happens here”. I have a very diverse group of people in my life, and that means there are regular curve balls mid-air, and assorted drama to accompany them. Some relationships come and go, and some stand the test of time. Sometimes a person who is nothing at all like you, can become your closest friend by simply being the yin to your yang…opposites attract and all that jazz. Some only last because you learn to tolerate and understand a person’s quirks, and accept the underlying reasons for them. There comes a time however, when some become too much. Intentions change or become apparent, harmless becomes destructive and sometimes just simply hurtful. It takes so much energy to be negative. It takes so much ‘heart’ from you, to continually worry about why things are broken.

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Anyone who can’t understand your choices, or at least accept that you have made them for a reason (even if they don’t really know what it is) is only in the relationship for themselves. So, sometimes that time should be better spent to evaluate. Time to ‘reflect’ on the kind of people you want in your life. Time to cut ties. 14bf7bb21a5fca9509bcfe32345a5ff0
On the other end of the spectrum of surprise, are good things. Things you perhaps underestimated. People who care more than you were ever willing to believe, in fear that it wasn’t true. People who, despite everything the world has thrown at them, still have the ability to love deeply and honestly. People who take the time to understand. People who ‘just know’ without needing an explanation. People who pay attention.

The right people will always love you for who you are. They will accept your flaws and weaknesses, as part of how you became the person you are, as you will theirs. Someone who truly loves, will never try and hurt. They will never try and belittle or judge, but trust and stand beside you with their strength, so that you can always stand together. They hold each other up. 3a831a4c6e620a3b9463ddcd498e69c0
So, that’s where I’m at. Not where I want to be, my mind is far away…both lingering slightly behind and leaping far ahead, but the clarity afforded this week is allowing some peace, and a sense of happiness and longing for what comes next. There is hope…still hope…always hope, but this time founded on more than dandelion wishes and daydreams. This time there is promise, real promise…a real promise.

Here’s hoping you all have daydreams to hold onto Kids. They are more important than you know.

Cheers V