Someone reminded me this week, of something very important. In fact a few people did, perhaps inadvertently. But one in particular. I think it was me. Through am myriad of prompts and recurring comments and ideas. Yes. Yes it was me. I reminded myself of something very important. I reminded myself of the importance of being authentic. The importance of being true to myself, and not pandering to the whims and egos of others. Of the importance of being myself, regardless of who or what that may be. Regardless of how others may see or react to it. 
I finally told a truth often assumed, but long untold and it brought an unexpected acceptance. I finally cut some ties that needing cutting long ago, and it brought an unexpected relief. I decided that I need to figure out what the fuck I’m doing here once and for all, and it brought unexpected determination, even if temporarily. Because to be honest I’ve bounced. I’ve bounced from life to life, and place to place, for as long as I can remember. I settled every now and then, for a while at a time. But when the roots got too deep, or the weight got too heavy, or the fears got too intense, I bailed and moved on, or moved backward, or just…moved.
There is nobody in this world like me. There is nobody in this world that thinks, acts, loves, feels, speaks, reacts, hates, judges, needs, wants, devotes, focuses, learns, yearns, soothes, plays, heals, hurts or helps as I do. I am unique in everything I do, and all of the choices I make. And I need to start fucking acting like it. I need to start owning my uniqueness, my resilience, my strength, my determination, my perseverance, my love, my empathy, my talent, my hope, my faith. I need to recognise that the good things within me are worth something. That they make as big a part of me, as the bad things I recognise and accept so easily.
I have trust issues because of broken promises. I have emotional withdrawal, because of narcissistic manipulation. I have alcoholic tendencies, because I have been left to manage my own pain for too long. I have ptsd because of physical abuse. I have anxiety because I overthink all of it. I have trauma bonding issues because of betrayal. I have low self esteem because I have been made to feel worthless. I have insecurity, because I have been made to feel like I am ‘not enough’. And yet…
I am a fucking strong woman, not a fearful child any longer…and I have every right to own my failures and successes in every detail. To own, not just what they have done to me, but who they have made me. I may not love who or what I am quite yet, but there will come a time when I will again. When I have overcome the pain that makes my heart heavy. When I have overcome the broken trust and loss of faith. When I have found new purpose that allows my passion to propel me. I will become a better, more knowledgable, creative and independent version of the person I am. I will be that phoenix that adapts and rises. That soars, not stopping to realise who notices, but simply for the sake of rising above all of the ash that sullies the ground beneath me.
I have resided too long in the shadows of those who aim to manipulate and repress who I am, for their own selfish desires and purposes. I am done with being a slave to the whims and fancies of other people. I am done with caring about who judges my actions, or the way I feel. Because what does it matter to them? What does it change in their life, how I am?
So if others wish to judge me, for the person I will uninhibitedly be…then fuck them. Let them judge. If others wish to try and confine me to their cages and opinions, then fuck them too. I am not an animal to be held against my will. I will find my place. I will find my people. And I will thrive. With. Or without. You.
I will not force any hands. Let me be, or let me go.
Find yourselves Kids. And then live there unashamedly.
Cheers
V
vampressa 