So, we’re two weeks out from what is supposed to be the happiest time of the year.
Christmas, when there is brightly coloured decorations, family gatherings, gift-giving, joyfulness and thanks-giving for all of the good things we receive during the year.
That cheery, bauble-filled, tinselly, annoying music time of year…
Well I hate to sound all Grinchy, but…
Love in relation to my life, is what could most politely be considered a royal fucking mess, my finances resemble a similar situation, I still don’t have the reliable part time job I need to put toward the general cost of living, I basically have no family, I have decided to quit smoking (again), Christmas Eve is the anniversary of my Fathers’ death, I will be alone… and I honestly wish Christmas, and everything about it, would just fuck off already.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’m not actually grateful for all of the awesome things that have happened through this year, because there have been some *really* great times. Life was looking like it was brighter than ever, and heading in the right direction. There were even a few moments where my brain finally let me think that it was ALL going to be alright. …now is just not one of them.
In all honesty, I’m really starting to wonder if I’m not really ‘just type A’, but a full blown Depressive psychotic, with a touch of Bi-polar thrown in for good measure. I’m sure some would agree. And it would go a long way to explaining the darker thoughts that have been surfacing in my head a lot of late. Possibly also the current lack of self-esteem and superb ability to avoid my own reflection in any mirrored surface. Not just for what I see, but for what I see looking back.
The bright side, is that I basically feel like I’m just an emotional drain on anyone I come into contact with right now, a complication, the person people don’t have the ‘extra head-space’ for, dramatic, dispensable, an unwanted mess, not at all Christmassy…so, if I can’t be where I want, then alone is probably the best place for me to be. No point taking others down with a sinking ship right? So it will be just me and my pups for a while, while the world spins on outside the front door, and everyone else spends Christmas with their loved ones.
In just three short years, Christmas has changed from an exciting, child-like time of wonder, to just another day to get through, only worse…because that’s only how it feels to me. Everyone else still gets lost in the glittering lights and sparkly trees, the family dinners and cheesy hats, the food comas and slowly sipped glasses of port.
And I hope it stays that way for them. I really do. Because losing joy in Christmas is like living in the moments between when you discover Santa isn’t real, and when you actually become Santa. It’s bleak and meaningless.
I don’t receive Christmas gifts any more, but what I really wanted was not anything material anyway. I just wanted a little time. That said, I do unfortunately understand that time is the most valuable of things, the hardest to give, and the easiest to lose. The universe just had other plans…it giveth and taketh away.
In the words of a friend “making plans seems to be the one way to ensure the fates dish out a nightmare these days”. Indeed.
Despite all that, I still have this irrational glimmer of hope, and am trying to find it somewhere inside my head, to brave ideas (not plans) for next year. Most of them are still fluid, and if I make it that far, I also intend to make sure they happen.
I will be adding to the list as I go, refining ideas, and hopefully ending up at, and in, a better place than 2015 has left me (this would mean I at least have one clue). The main thing about them, whatever they may evolve into, is that they will be mine. So nobody better fuck with them.
I hope you all still love Christmas Kids. Keep that sparkle in your eyes.
P.s the pups still have gifts and stockings.