There is a time when you know you need to just change everything, when you feel boxed in and dark. So you take that step, that huge step, off the edge, and into the abyss. And you fall and fall and fall…and then gently land…and you’re alright. And slowly, the dark fades, and the light starts to creep back into your life, and your eyes. You start to not only feel, but to appreciate. All the small things seem somehow beautiful, because you are finally taking the time to notice them, instead of just focusing on what’s inside, you see around you also. You gain a whole new love of the world, and the beauty of all its tiny intricacies. You renew all the emotions you have lost.
So you picture yourself in this massive wide open space, this huge expansive desert. And there you are…this tiny speck from above, in a sea of rolling dunes. There is nobody near for miles and it feels great…all that space. But for just a split second you grow weary from standing, arms stretched to the sky, loving all your space and freedom, the sun raining down on you, and think. Right there is where you should stop that dream. That’s where the dream ends and becomes something entirely different. It becomes alone.
A song plays faintly in the distance from nowhere, someone in a printed shirt, a car, an accent, a look. Fuck you universe. Leave me alone in my desert. That’s why I came here…so you couldn’t find me. Leave me to my peace and strength. But instead you wait for a crack. A 7 day stretch of tiresome days, and consistent wearing down at the emotional rock. You start missing things that are missing, a little too much. The wrong things, the right things….just the missing things. You distort the good and the bad, and just remember what felt good, when it felt good. And those are the nights and days you long for. But the people that held you up when you fell, they are gone too.
You recall with great definition and detail, the way true love and passion felt, purely because it felt real to you, real at the time. You remember the feeling of holding what you wanted in your hands, your arms, your heart. You ignore the rest. The pain and constant heartache and lies. You forget the “I’ll try”s and “soon”s. You wash away ignoring the facts in plain sight, and uncovered secrets whispered in your other ear, by those who cared…more. You remember the touch, the look, the peace. You forget the broken sleep, and more importantly, the broken promises.
And all the deceit and secrecy now, does it not take a heavy toll? Its burden sits squarely on your shoulders driving you to the ground, to your knees. And in a desert, there is nothing to hold you up but sand. Your dreams are gone, your fairy-tales, replaced with resolve, reality and whiskey on the rocks, and the ground falls away. Alone.
I have not changed. I am simply becoming myself again. I am the master of my own desert. I am strong and passionate, empathetic, emotional, strong-willed, stubborn and more than fucking enough. I am more than people know, and than I truly believe.
Tomorrow the sun will rise again, and I will step onto the sand feeling new again. The songs will not play as loudly, and the heartache will ease in proportion…I will see friends, and laugh and joke and life will go on, as it does…but for tonight, the desert is a lonely, place, on the rocks.
Stay warm kids, the desert can get cold. Like hearts.