Truth Potato

Ba9K1KcHX1E-png__880This week has been huge. On every level and with every meaning possible. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually HUGE. I wrote a post a short while back about a development course I would be attending, based largely on sarcasm and defensiveness, my two main ‘go-to’ methods of human interaction. Ironically, they were two of the things I explored while I was there. And more than I would openly admit most, what happened behind closed doors affected me more than I believed it could (which is true of most things that happen behind my closed doors).

The program centred, not specifically on work function, but the ability to, well…function. To function in life. To function as an adult. To function as a balanced, or even an unbalanced human being. A human being with a massive backload of trauma, emotions and unresolved issues, to be more specific. Pretty sure that covers most of us, some more than others, a few of us in particular.
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I went in the door, with a lot of people saying that I would ‘learn a lot about myself’, but I didn’t. I didn’t learn anything new about who I am, and I wasn’t particularly surprised by any of the test results, circumflexes, bar graphs or charts. But what I did learn, was ‘why’ I am. More importantly, I learnt that it’s not just okay to be the way I am, but that it is totally justifiable. I learnt that I look very different from other peoples perspective, to the way I look from my own. I learnt that I don’t need to change, but just to adjust my approach to some situations. I learnt that people can inspire others, simply by example.
BdczifKnv0d-png__880I learnt other things this week too. And they weren’t from any trip or course. They were directly from the universe itself, and learnt simply by watching and really listening. They were through other people, and my reaction to any given situation. I learnt from inside myself, and painstakingly yet patiently, remembering and understanding my own emotions, and applying that understanding, to accept others emotional states. I learnt to give what I wish to get. I learnt to take a step back when needed, and a step forward when it should be taken. Sometimes it’s really hard to do, but often it can get you to better places, physically and emotionally.
6abab300780df5bd4378a43d9adf154bI’m not getting ahead of myself and saying that I have suddenly been totally spiritually and emotionally enlightened. It was 3 days of introspection. Hardly time to dig deep into ones psyche, yet it did scratch the surface quite deeply. I still don’t have all the answers…But I do have the gateway to some of my own answers. I think I have stepped through into a space, where I feel more confident in what I want, who I am, and what I can achieve. I am perhaps one small step closer to becoming a more adultier adult. And every now and then, we have to look inside our own minds and hearts and actively do this, because essentially, and with few genuine exceptions…
BaT-FSqHieu-png__880So…that means we have to care for ourselves. There are only so many times you can self medicate with pain, adrenaline, alcohol, ignorance, or any other drug of choice, before they simply become another addiction. We have to give those fucks about what pains, tortures, and weighs on us. We have to be the ones to change our situations or make our choices, to find what truly makes us happy, brings us peace, and makes our lives better. We have to accept and understand, and then differentiate between the reality, of what seems like it will/does/should make living worthwhile…and what actually does. We have to throw out conventional thinking, perhaps let down some defences, and search for our own truth. Sometimes it’s right there in front of you.
BeIln2inSRl-png__880One of the recurring themes in the material (and it was explained by concept, and then by research result) really struck my chord, perhaps because it is already in my truth. And that is, that our hearts react, most importantly, and most actively, to anything that life throws at us. It reacts, in fact, hundreds of times more, and faster, than logic/brain. Physically as a muscle, and emotionally/mentally, as a basis for our thought process, it reacts first. Our powerful hearts, in conjunction with our Limbic system (which centres on learned reactions, nostalgia, emotion, trauma etc), literally pre-determine coming events, and brace themselves for impact. Awareness changes impact and reaction. Simple equation. So…Love can ‘literally’ fix broken things.
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That’s enough reflection for today. My head’s still spinning quite badly from the trip itself, and focusing is not doing me any favours. There’s also a grey, empty feel to the day in me, so perhaps resting my heart should take priority.

Take the time to take care of yourselves Kids. There’s only one you. And you’re worthy.
Cheers
V

 

 

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The value of what we have

MatThingsWhat we own, doesn’t define who we are. Who we are defines what we own. We make up our lives and surroundings from who we are, and our means to do so. What we have does not make us any more or less of a person. The choices we make and actions we take, mean more than nuts and bolts or strips of fabric. How we treat others, is what is remembered, and savours or sours. Possession defines how the world views us superficially, and is either a vain or true reflection of how we want to be seen.

But when it all boils down, what is really important? What would you honestly miss if you lost it today? Would it really be the things that you own? The furniture, antiques, shag rugs, framed posters, appliances, outdated stereo systems, flash car, boxes of shit whose contents you can’t even remember, piles of backdated issue magazines from ‘quilters are us’, matchbox car collection, cd’s, gaming consoles that never see the light of day?

Those are the things, and things I could let go of (bar my coffee machine-and NO I don’t own quilters are us magazines) in an instant. They are just things. I would trade it all in a heartbeat, for what I no longer have.
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What I miss, is not a what, but a who. The only material things that are important to me, are the things that hold memories and sentiment, and the ‘things’ that live and breathe.

And that thought in turn…leads to the time of year. The most wonderful time of the year, that is upon us. When we are socially bound to give and receive. When our gift giving lists ebb and flow with guilt and obligation, to give to those who we receive from, including Aunt Mildred twice removed, who sent the hideous, fuschia, fluffy, embroidered bath towels with matching scarf. When children expect iPads and the latest expensive gadgets, and rescue animals are handed out like candy, only to be later discarded like wrappers. When Christmas Day is spent buzzing from one place you have to be to eat, to another place you have to be to eat more, until you finally collapse in a food/exhaustion based coma.
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Christmas is supposed to be a festive time spent with loved ones, yet for me, it is anything but. It has the opposite effect of being a heart-wrenching time, that simply reminds me of what I do not have. While people chitter about gifts and Christmas lunches, holidays and family, I smile and nod. I listen politely and hope they don’t ask me if I have plans, or who I will be spending the day with. I remain cheery and festive and wish them a wonderful holiday.

Because, I would prefer not to tell the strangers who ask, that Christmas is simply a stark, blunt reminder to me, of losing everyone and just about everything that has ever been important to me. That, even with several invitations to join others for Christmas, or alternately have company, I feel like I would rather lock my doors, and tell the world to just fuck off and leave me the hell alone, to miss what I don’t have in peace. That I want it to feel like just another day, that isn’t worse than all the others. That spending the day with anyone, simply means I have to fake smiles and cheer, and pretend that my heart isn’t crumbling. Because it will not be with the ones I love. Again.
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For those of you who are spending the day with the person you love, the people you love, with love…treasure it. Never take it for granted. Make it special, and mean something. Remember how it feels to be there, in those moments. Take your pictures and then put away your phone and be present. Smile, talk, hug, love, laugh. Share the most important gift you have to give with the people that are important to you…your time.

Cheers Kids,
V

 

 

 

Desert-ed

how-to-find-water-when-youre-stuck-in-the-desertThere is a time when you know you need to just change everything, when you feel boxed in and dark. So you take that step, that huge step, off the edge, and into the abyss. And you fall and fall and fall…and then gently land…and you’re alright. And slowly, the dark fades, and the light starts to creep back into your life, and your eyes. You start to not only feel, but to appreciate. All the small things seem somehow beautiful, because you are finally taking the time to notice them, instead of just focusing on what’s inside, you see around you also. You gain a whole new love of the world, and the beauty of all its tiny intricacies. You renew all the emotions you have lost.
7c23d5d83519aa9362743f7ddf4c577eSo you picture yourself in this massive wide open space, this huge expansive desert. And there you are…this tiny speck from above, in a sea of rolling dunes. There is nobody near for miles and it feels great…all that space. But for just a split second you grow weary from standing, arms stretched to the sky, loving all your space and freedom, the sun raining down on you, and think. Right there is where you should stop that dream. That’s where the dream ends and becomes something entirely different. It becomes alone.

A song plays faintly in the distance from nowhere, someone in a printed shirt, a car, an accent, a look. Fuck you universe. Leave me alone in my desert. That’s why I came here…so you couldn’t find me. Leave me to my peace and strength. But instead you wait for a crack. A 7 day stretch of tiresome days, and consistent wearing down at the emotional rock. You start missing things that are missing, a little too much. The wrong things, the right things….just the missing things. You distort the good and the bad, and just remember what felt good, when it felt good. And those are the nights and days you long for. But the people that held you up when you fell, they are gone too.

You recall with great definition and detail, the way true love and passion felt, purely because it felt real to you, real at the time. You remember the feeling of holding what you wanted in your hands, your arms, your heart. You ignore the rest. The pain and constant heartache and lies. You forget the “I’ll try”s and “soon”s. You wash away ignoring the facts in plain sight, and uncovered secrets whispered in your other ear, by those who cared…more. You remember the touch, the look, the peace. You forget the broken sleep, and more importantly, the broken promises.
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And all the deceit and secrecy now, does it not take a heavy toll? Its burden sits squarely on your shoulders driving you to the ground, to your knees. And in a desert, there is nothing to hold you up but sand. Your dreams are gone, your fairy-tales, replaced with resolve, reality and whiskey on the rocks, and the ground falls away. Alone.
51436cfa144a55810ea2c53c9418b174I have not changed. I am simply becoming myself again. I am the master of my own desert. I am strong and passionate, empathetic, emotional, strong-willed, stubborn and more than fucking enough. I am more than people know, and than I truly believe.

Tomorrow the sun will rise again, and I will step onto the sand feeling new again. The songs will not play as loudly, and the heartache will ease in proportion…I will see friends, and laugh and joke and life will go on, as it does…but for tonight, the desert is a lonely, place, on the rocks.

Stay warm kids, the desert can get cold. Like hearts.
Cheers
V

 

Night owl

Night-Owl-Moon2For all and any of you that continually tell me to get to bed (to sleep)…I do actually have a valid reason, to tell you to put a lid on it.
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They found out I had this years ago, and again recently, but I just never really remember to tell anyone, because it’s just a part of who I am. It doesn’t bother me, and you can make life work around it.
I get asked if I have insomnia, told to relax, or go to bed earlier, neither of which makes a difference.
But a few of you are probably nodding and saying “Ahh, yes, this makes sense now”…
It gets worse when you are stressed or adhering to an irregular schedule too. “Oohhhh, right…that explains even more”.

They say it’s commonly linked to and/or aggravated by anxiety, depression, cardiovascular problems, diabetes and a myriad of other things, but this is not always the case, and with only around 10 percent of the population confirmed with it, they have done a relatively small amount of research. Because it is technically just a ‘disorder’ or mutation (yeeeah, I’m a fucking X-Man!) there is no ‘cure’. There actually is, no rest for the wicked 😉

It means that my body clock runs differently to most, and that there are quite literally, not enough hours in a day, for it to make sense of it. You can regulate it somewhat if you try hard to get into a routine or remove yourself from the general distraction of Society and technology for a while, but the other facets of my personality make that very difficult, so I have just adjusted around it more often than not.
UntitledIt means that I love the night-time (which I think is pretty cool). It’s when I feel the most awake, and able to coherently communicate or create better. It means that I have absorbing thoughts and ideas at 2am, that I just ‘have’ to write down, draw, remember or say. It means that I have to force myself to go to bed on the off chance that I will sleep. I have always had mixed feelings of guilt and satisfaction for it. It also means that I am ‘not’ a morning person-quite literally.
84dc3ae760e5dc14b07949b33bfc1215That said, my body still reacts according to my situation. If I am excited about waking up to something or someone, I will often naturally wake up without prompting. If I have something important to do, or somewhere to be, I find it extremely hard to fall asleep, because my brain convinces me that I may not wake up in time, yet my eyes open 5 minutes before the alarm sounds. If I am sleeping in a strange or uncomfortable place, I will sleep lighter, and wake up earlier.

Anyway, so now you know a little more about me. Not only am I admittedly a touch psychotic, focused and determined…but also sleep deprived and running largely on caffeine most days. Pretty fucking scary thought huh?

Cheers Kids.
Here’s to being different enough, to not live the slow death of fitting in. 😉
V

 

Let them eat cake.

images-6Today I did an incredibly adult thing. Probably the most significantly adulty thing of all things. I had chocolate cake for breakfast! It was fabulous.
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Now, I hear you say (with less than the respect in your tone, than should be given for the aforementioned action) how can this be an ultimate act of adulting? Well, I’m glad you asked. Here it is…

When we’re young, we can’t wait to ‘grow up’, to be adults, and be ‘allowed’ to do all the things that adults can do. We ponder having the ability to be in charge of ourselves, and to set our own rules. We abhor being told what to do, and the confines of childhood, parents and protectiveness. We endure going to school, learning, being educated, and being taught (and no, they’re not all just synonyms).
As kids, we try and get away with adult actions, or try to secretly fulfill our fantasies of what it will be like, when we can walk in heels, earn money, wear make-up, have sex, drive cars, drink alcohol, or elegantly puff on that long-stemmed cigarette like Audrey.

Adults say things like “Enjoy your childhood, while it lasts” and “School are the best days of your life”. Little do we realise that they are speaking from experience. That the days of being footloose and bill-free are limited, and soon enough, we will know why they say it. That the days of roaming the streets, sleepovers, unlimited parties and hanging out with your friends each day, come to an end.
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When it all does start to happen, we realise, that the glamour wears off very quickly.
Earning money means getting a job, which means sacrificing time with friends, or weekends, or other things that enhance the quality of your life. Yet the vicious circle, is that without the job/money, we can’t afford the time.
Jobs also mean being re-educated, more learning and being taught.
Driving a car, means maintaining it, paying registration, fuelling it and keeping it clean.
Wearing make-up, means more learning, allergies, colour-matching, and more money.
Walking in heels, yet more learning, discomfort and for some (much like watching a calf try to walk for the first time) admitting that you really can’t do everything.
Smoking means more money, and being aware of the health and social effects.
Sex means more learning, being responsible, realising that it involves emotion (and not just yours), and while it can be amazing…if you’re not careful, it can also get you into more trouble than you can imagine.
images-7And those things are really only the added items on the ice-berg tip of adulting. Let’s not even delve into paying for the staples like rent, mortgages, food, pets, everyday items, replacements, insurance, phones, internet and electricity.
All the ‘things’ that you never really accounted for when fantasising about ‘growing up’, because you weren’t even really aware that they existed in child-land.

You start to wonder why the fuck you ever wanted to be an adult in the first place-ever?! It seems like it’s just an endless stream of responsibilities and bills and adult rules. You didn’t sign up for this shit??! Where is the dream?? The freedom…
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And this, my friends…is why you should eat chocolate cake for breakfast. Because…you can. Because as an adult, there are things we can do, that hurt nobody, aren’t policed, and are well within our means to do. We can eat cake.
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We can set our own bedtime. We can go for long drives, and play loud music. We can take time to roll on the floor with our dogs, and run through the house. We can jump on the bed. We can watch old movies all night. We can go out for cool night walks, and talk on the phone at 2am. We can have picnic parties on the lounge room floor, and wash the dishes ‘tomorrow’. We can drink a bottle of whiskey and smoke cigarettes. We can get tattoos and piercings. We can wear whatever we want. We can sit on the beach, watching the waves roll in, until all you can see is a sliver of moon on the water, and so much more. And we can eat cake.
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We all too often lose sight of the freedoms and luxuries we actually do have, beyond all the responsibilities in full view. It is easy to forget we even have them. The little things.
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I’m not saying that cake can solve all of your problems, or even when exactly it is consumed, that will help. It is more the symbolism behiiiiind the cake. Whether you are miserably unhappy, or your days are full of love, breakfast cake can just remind you that not all is lost. That you can still make choices. That being an adult has its benefits, however small. That if you choose to eat cake…nobody in the world can stop you, even from doing just that one little thing. And if you look hard enough…you might find other things that follow.
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So Kids…mine was Belgian white chocolate…what’s your flavour?
Cheers
V

Weight-watchers be damned…

17522556_1301392963277581_5645933189065747420_n.jpgFor the third time this week, I have been asked if I have lost weight. For the thousandth time if I am okay. For the hundredth time, given advice.
The answers are respectively: yes, no, and no thanks.

I struggle to lose weight usually, and I have finally found the secret. Want to know it? Stop giving a fuck. It’s really that simple. Stop trying, stop doing anything at all. Oh sure, you could take the conventional route of healthy eating and exercise, and maybe even live longer, but this is so much simpler.
I have skipped meals for nights, days, who knows how long? I have intermittently added copious amounts of alcohol to the equation. I have slept a total of about 10 hours over the last week. I have engaged in heavy labour, while running on nothing more than a few sugar-free energy drinks and an odd vitamin. Oh, and walked quite a lot. And it seems I have found my thing. That thing that works for me. Oh goody.

Obviously this is all a product of two factors. Copious amounts of stress/pain and a less than fulfilling job.
I currently work odd hours, so eating properly becomes a juggling act of when, what and where, so it’s easier not to bother. (Don’t worry, my dogs are still getting all of their proper, regular meals). The energy drinks keep me awake for work-minus the sugar hit.
And the stress…well that takes care of the rest. Lack of appetite, sleeplessness, alcohol (but it’s good home still, crap-free alcohol-honest).
16976992_10211245417424952_493780419_nSo all in all, it’s quite a balanced plan of deprivation, and generally not caring. If only I’d known sooner. All those clothes I could have seen in a window and *not* bought, because that’s generally one of the things I don’t give a fuck about.

So, now that my heart and soul are at an all-time low, at least my self esteem will benefit from it. Always a silver lining huh? I might go down in a screaming heap, but at least I’ll look pretty good on the way down. And people are noticing to boot. I’ve been told I looked thinner (Okay…maybe they also added pale and distant), attractive, have great muscle tone (they may have said similar to She-Ra…or maybe not-you’ll never know), that I am impressive (even criminals can be impressive), that someone ‘wants’ me (don’t hold it against them-everyone makes poor choices), and even that my arse looks ‘perkier’ (don’t ask).
Sadly, the only person in the whole world, that I would want to notice, isn’t even looking. Not that I need the attention, or have done anything I regard as ‘notice-worthy’, it’s just a really shit realisation, that that’s the way it is.
17799354_1037995019669667_5197261132301515712_nI have lost almost a full clothes size in the last month by the latest measure, but I still have a ways to go, so I guess there’s a LOT more fucks to not be given. I’m not a comfort eater, in fact quite the opposite. Not only do I forget to eat when I feel bad, but I also feel bad when I eat. This where my lack of fuck-giving falls down. Every calorie makes me feel guilty and regretful…And I don’t need to feel worse than I already do (if that’s really even possible?)

As for being okay. I think it’s fairly obvious that I’m not, but we don’t need to go into any further detail just yet. If I can accept it, you can.
I’m pretty sure that the few people asking if I am, are really doing it for decoration, because they know otherwise, but just can’t change the fact. It’s a bit nice to know that they care enough to ask in the first place. Someone actually told me that if they can hear me making any noise, they relax for a while, because they know I’m still here. A pretty grave thought. I guess I can’t hide how I feel right now as well as I thought.
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My last word on the topic, is that I don’t really recommend this type of weight-loss regime for anyone. In fact I hope none of you, ever feel like this. But if you do-milk it.

Cheers Kids *raises highly alcoholic, sugar free mixer, terribly strong, glass*
V

Void

Want to know what it feels like, to have a man, that has claimed to love you for over 13 years, sell you dreams, and keep you living in hope, tear your heart out in one swipe? Me too…because right now, I’m not feeling anything. Oh…I know I will. I know that in a few hours, when the shock subsides (not the shock of it happening-just the feeling) I will feel it. I’m imagining it similar to all the other times, but more of Mack truck like effect. Because this is it. The last time.
I know…drama drama drama right? But he ended it, again, and this time it’s done. Not because he says it is…but because I don’t have the energy to keep fighting. Not because I don’t love him, but because I just can’t do it any more. I can’t.
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Right now I’m just a huge messed up ball of anger, and hurt and confusion. Right now I want to hurt somebody, and if nobody gets in my way, I’m guessing it will be me. Right now, I don’t care about anything or anyone, much less myself.
 But in the morning, when I can see clearly enough, process the thoughts that are spinning in an out of control fashion around my head currently, in a weakly diluted (okay barely diluted at all) bath of wine and whiskey…I’m going to feel every single little part of the hurt, and betrayal and loss.17362774_1027317360737433_2339336717897629705_n
Someone said to me tonight “It was a betrayal of love, and a betrayal of you. You fight for love, and he plays with it”. Well, I don’t like this game, and I can’t play it any more. I have fought for too long, to get to the castle, to be told that the game is over before it begins. And the thing with games, is that they come with consequences. If you land on the corner square, you go to jail. If you land on a ladder, you slide down it. If you hurt somebody, that is strong enough to have dealt with your bullshit for 5 fucking years (not including the stint 8 years before that again), you need to expect, that before they are gone, they will show you what it’s like to feel.
17012372_10211245417504954_1407257881_n.pngConsequences. Something he has never had to deal with. Because he trusts that he is loved, and while love has never been enough for him to return, to commit to, he thinks it is enough to protect him.
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He says he wants to be alone, period. So, he can be. And I will make sure of it. Vindictive-sure. Vengeful-maybe. Justice-fuck yes. I’m guessing at this point, there may be a person or two out there, wondering just how much they have under-estimated me, or my affinity for evil? For truth? Perhaps even under-estimated my lack of resourcefulness and memory? And I can say this, because I’m a bottle of wine and half a dozen good (fuck your Scotch) Irish whiskies to the wind. I can say it because lack of inhibition, apparently lets me say whatever I want, to whoever I want (those people know who they are tonight, and I regret nothing!)

But for now, I will sob, and despair, and be fucked up. Let all who wish to judge, kiss my lily-white arse. I deserve to feel exactly how this feels to me. I deserve to hurt and bleed and pine, and ache and long. I deserve to feel what this man has done to me for so long, that I may be able to one day, finally, let go of all of the light and goodness, that I see in him, still. I deserve to grieve and be hurt, and be bitter, and angry and resentful. I deserve to question and doubt, and know that he has done the wrong thing to me, when all I ever wanted for him was good. I deserve to know that I didn’t do this. that I was not to blame. That I have nothing to be ashamed of. That LOVE is nothing to be ashamed of.
5f1e127976647cf347fb3500479d4a93You see, all along, people have said that losing love is like grieving a loss. And I have known both, so not to diminish anything, but…there’s this. This. This is a decision. He decided that love was not enough. that I was not enough. He decided not to choose me. He weighed up the options, of which there are countless, thought about it…and decided that he didn’t love me enough. Loss is not a choice. this. This is a choice. I was not enough.

It is not my fault, I know. But it is my pain to bear. That this person I love so very much, my soulmate, the person I would give everything for, that told me until this week began that he loved me, wanted me…thinks I am not enough for him. He would be alone, over making a life with me. He would choose nothing, over me. Let that sink in, because it’s taking a while for me.
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So now, I’m going to go and try and sleep this off. This initial fucked up knee-jerk reaction to pain. I will wake up feeling sick and worse off for it, and steel myself to go to work and put on a brave face, when all I want to do is be alone and feel the entirety of this…void. And maybe he’ll show enough respect to just explain anything, and maybe he won’t. I don’t know why he’d start now, to be honest. It doesn’t seem that it’s been a high priority to this point. But the consequences…they will come. After all, who am I to stand in the way of a mans true desires?

Goodnight Kids. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. Or Karma.
V