Spray-paint, name tags & great coffee.

I promised you my story…but it will have to wait for another day. Today is a little cloudy, and while things sort themselves into fashionable order, I will take the opportunity to just share a few ‘in the meantime’ thoughts.

I’m having a night. One of those ones I haven’t seen in a while. It’s not exactly ‘bad’…just flat and grey and I know in the corner of my mind, like a catching a fleeting glimpse of something…something is not quite right.
It’s been a long week. Oh…hang on…It’s been a long few months!!

While I haven’t been super forthcoming with details (with nearly anyone-don’t worry, you’re not being singled out) my whole life has changed. Why?…because I made it so. Because it had to, to save my sanity and self respect. Because there just comes a time when it should. And I knew it was exactly that time. Time for change.
Someone said to me this week, that it seemed I had a new ‘persona’. It was interesting, because all it really meant, was that that person had never seen/noticed this side of me before. I haven’t changed, I’m just more of me than I was before. I still can’t decide what I want from a menu in less than (at least) 5 minutes. I still have trouble crawling from underneath warm covers in the morning. I still have an unquenchable thirst to create and be inspired. I still run through the house singing, and crash tackle my dogs when they’re not expecting it. I still love rainy nights in and clear nights out. Strong coffee always features in my day and I smoke cigarettes.
Those things are parts of who I am, but they are not all of who I am.
Maybe the thing that’s changed, or just become more obvious, is that now I have found this place that I love. A place I actually want to be, explore, and let inspire me. And I know what I do want, don’t want, and what I deserve. My boundaries and desires have become quite clear. And from somewhere, I have tapped back into my reserve of independence & self-confidence to establish in my mind, that I am completely capable of achieving.

You see, through my life I have been respectively told that I am nothing, nothing without someone else, that I am plain, and that I …cannot. And I have repeatedly taught myself that I can.
Maybe I am not pretty or feminine or delicate. Maybe I don’t inspire second glances or stand out in a crowd…but I am beautiful and colourful for who, and as, I am.
Maybe I don’t make the most money. Maybe I am not a world celebrated artist or business owner. Maybe I have not grappled my way to the top…but I am proud of my achievements and strength.
And maybe I cannot do everything I try…but at least I try.

And now I am here, in this brand new chapter, feeling pretty brand new. I am experiencing new things, and trying to feel every moment of the present for just what it is. 3 weeks ago, someone I had literally just met, looked at me and asked me point blank “Do you always run away from things?” And I replied…”No, I’m not running away…I’m moving forward”. It was either forward or down, and I decided I’m not ready to go down just yet.
One day I might tell you where I am, and what has changed, but right now that’s just geography. The important stuff, is where I’m at. And it’s a better place.

It’s pre-school bedtime hours for me tonight kids. Have to be up early with the morning people, but I’ll be around the way again soon.
Hope you are all well, and looking for your better place…if you haven’t already found it. Maybe you have and you just don’t know it?
Cheers
V

 

Forward momentum

The last few weeks have been crazy. Not just a little bit, but seriously all over the fucking place crazy. You see, I ended up at the this spot. It was a moment that spoke to me (see? even voices in my head crazy). It said something along the lines of-“if you don’t inspire change…nothing will fucking change!”, and that is not something I’m willing to tolerate right now. I’m stuck in a place that reeks of nothingness and going nowhereness. And I want more. I finally want more.
80b57f9315271042327d5dde4c2612c3

So, I set about changing a few things, firstly my motivation and point of view. I went on a short trip away to somewhere new to shake the routine from my near vision, and explored on my own, to extend my comfort zone. I loved it way more than I thought possible. Where the thought of getting lost in a strange place used to inspire hesitation and doubt, I found it becoming more exciting and adventurous, and realised that even when I am lost, there is always a way back. That I am more grounded than I know.

While I was away, I found the opportunity to address a few long overdue issues behind the scenes, and found it settled my inner self and overactive thought processes a lot too. It didn’t solve any problems, but it did answer some lingering questions, and help balance my heart versus head debate to some degree.
16997021_10211245417384951_282322362_n.png

On return, I have set another few balls in motion, to change lifestyle, employment and other such material things as vehicles and smaller  possessions. The smaller things will all collectively make life easier and more convenient. The bigger, right changes and opportunities will make me better. Make me more motivated and enthusiastic, and ultimately, hopefully, more engaged and have a brighter outlook on life in general.

After a 30 hour, heavy work week of varying disjointed night/morning shifts with an extra 8 hours travel time thrown in, very little sleep, and disharmony in the the environment, I could use a plain sail in the future to look forward to. So instead of wishing, I’m looking, and applying, and enquiring, and trying.
16996847_10211245417624957_242293930_n

I’ve also decided to invest more time in doing things that help me feel better about myself, something I have always struggled with. Other people tell me nice, empowering things about me, that I often struggle to accept. I have to start believing that that there is more worth than I have ever seen, and that means actively improving certain things to make them more positively clear to me. Fitness, self image, attitude, pro-activity, talent/skill-set, aesthetics-to name a few. It also means evaluating the people I share my time with. Because very little is more valuable than time and who you share it with, and regardless of what we may think, it has a huge impact on how we view the world from inside out.
17012837_10211245619910014_2076735029_n

In a nutshell, that’s about it for now. The details would take all day to tell, but overall it means there’s big changes in the wind. It means there’s both exciting and trying times ahead. It means I have not yet given up…and the world should be prepared for that.

I hope you all have a plan kids. Even if you don’t stick to it to the letter, it’s nice to think that we are all going places (even if we don’t know where until we arrive 😉 )

Cheers
V

 

Kaboom

d940760c4a3b970c32c5514b2624e980An open letter to those through my entire life that have chosen to hurt me.
To those who have chosen to hurt me physically, emotionally or mentally. To those who have lied to, stolen from, cheated on or had any ill intention toward me. To those who have abused, stalked or threatened me. To those who have left scars whether external or internal. To those who have chosen to use me for their own gain or selfish purpose, and those who have chosen to treat me as an afterthought, or like I am nothing.
To those who have broken promises, made thoughtless, fleeting empty promises, or chosen to promise more than they were ever intending to deliver.
henry-rollins-quotes-1-455x300I don’t hate you, there’s no reason left to hate. I don’t forgive you, there’s nothing left to forgive. You are irrelevant. I appreciate the experience you gave me. You were a valuable life lesson. You taught me about the kind of person, that I never want to be.
06dfa512fdd330defc481b8b1af1c1e8You taught me how important it is to keep promises, and to only offer what you can afford to give. You taught me about the value of real friendship, and love, but also more importantly, the value of self-worth, independence and determination. You taught me how important it is to stay true to myself, and believe in what I want. You taught me passion, and how to fight with it. You taught me the value of hope against all odds. And both the value and dangers, of trusting those who should not be trusted.
51adb2740f6bde7b7f74c054f1d031deYou taught me that even though we are all in this world together, we are also still in it alone. On this journey, I have made the best of friends, in the most unlikely of people and places, and I have also shed meaningless, cold, soul-leeching people from my circle.
c850748fabdde14af0dc55a9c818779cI have found that hope is so important in moving forward, and only the reason for it changes. I have found that no matter how well you think you know a person, you will never understand them completely, and that life and people are as unpredictable as each other.
08412f69d93a516b355feca95b5dd9f8I have learnt that no matter how much the universe conspires to put two things or people together, there will be just as many forces trying to tear them apart, and the difference in success, is unity in the belief of one or the other.
50b56657a2b8bc839236adc905e61043Neither words, feelings, nor depth of love can make any difference to the way a person views themselves or the world. If a person only wants to see clouds, they will never notice the sunshine. And if they reject hope, it is not theirs to embrace.
62e391d5e1b37711d50170a9f9ee3553.jpgI have learnt that the strongest people can be manipulated and controlled as much as the weakest ones, if not more, as their emotions and beliefs are stronger, and once in place cannot be altered. They have the strongest connections to guilt, love and survival all at once.
eb8c678cea192340c3e96fb9b8c0bc83I have learnt that the ones who say they love you do hurt you the most, not for wanting to, but just because they can. And I have learnt of myself, that I do not regret loving or caring for anyone in my past, because loving them did not make me a lesser person, but what they chose to give in return, defined who they were to me. Not bad people…the wrong people.
mushahiI do not regret speaking truthfully in any situation, regardless of whether the same respect was given in turn. While we are what we do-not what we say, our words are the starting point to create expectations and promises, that we can either choose to live up to or default on. Neither do I regret my faults and mistakes, or admitting to them, regardless of sacrifice or consequence.
The only true regrets I have are wasting time that would have been better spent living. As someone said to me recently…”When I give to those I love, I don’t give money…I give time, because my time is what I gave up to earn it. Money means nothing, time and what you do with it, is everything”
b1f3c86c195a1ef57d39d04943384080I have learnt that, while talking to people can help give you clarification or direction, ultimately you must choose your own path, as you are the one that has to live with the consequences or outcome. That you should never change yourself to suit someone, because if they truly loved in the first place for who you are, you won’t have to.
579f1a81bd8be34b920745b491f6a5f3And now…now I am learning for myself to see what it is I want. The value in my own decisions. The places I want to go, things I want to see, learn, do and experience for myself, because…time. And this…I am sick of doing this…
cbe8339422051e6dca593d8da45598a9I am a loud, passionate, stupidly spontaneous, planning, type A, slightly OCD, vindictive, cautious, scared, conflicted, overthinking, slightly odd, introverted, insecure, emotional, unstable, intense, opinionated, neurotic, fucked up, scarred, strong, impetuous, dark, nostalgic, optimistic, confused, reckless, logical person with a twisted sense of humour. I believe I escape simple definition by any standard.
In my life, I have encountered one person that I love completely, just one, who came close to understanding or accepting that, and chose to love me, either for it or regardless of it. And then chose not to.
bf6f1078f70d1c66b47e0f30787f1040And I am not scared, but now I am out of preferred options (at one, it was realistically quite limited anyway),
…so I am choosing to accept it all for myself…and love me.
Three years ago I got this…
12683_10201510184130204_1877931657_nBecause I will always believe it is true. Love is not the enemy…and it can fix broken things.

Cheers Kids.
V

The best light…

46186e4890e5f942c6695fe3d4e77a21The last week has made me dig. Not a hole, there’s already one there, but inside, in my head, dreams and distant memories. I’ve had to dig to find some things that I haven’t looked for in a long while. Because not having to, waiting for a dream to come true, believing in something bigger and better, believing in words and promises, even empty ones…is easier. It’s safer. Until it’s not there any more…
aa9f91d5fa5e0df88844ece2bf3ce6a7I’ve had to dig, to find myself. Because part of me is gone, and I needed to find a new person.One that isn’t waiting for anything. One that isn’t afraid of losing something. One that can see clearly and will learn to follow things other than a heart, and include logic in the equation. One that will start believing in herself in any way.
heartBut I have to, so I am. Therefore, I made a lot of plans, some really cool stuff, and talked to the people that can help make some of them a reality. I crossed some off the list and replaced them with bigger ones, and others with more realistic or achievable. I heard kind words from friends, the ones that care more about my future than my past. And more importantly, I didn’t talk to anyone else.
79160819c797ebc049a77aa6fd91e466I reconnected with a few old acquaintances, and connected with a few fresh ones. I researched methods for my new madness, stepped out of my comfort zone on some days, and immersed myself in it on others. I absolutely smashed my poor body on a virtual roller coaster ride of excessive alcohol, exercise, lack of sleep, outings, unexplainable scars and mental torture. And I calmed it with the same.12509170_904054503035715_1015783063239337459_nI may not be happy, or anywhere close to it yet, but I am sure that it will go one of two ways, and in one of them, I can glimpse something like it in the distance. I’m reaching, trying, grasping…and if I keep falling forward I might even reach it within the time limit.
b09740d2bdf6e2dc534516d43c4173f8I thought a lot, and rationalised things, past present and future. I separated hate from hurt and accepted some truths, both bad and good.
1d5b9837b7ef6b44a4e4ac7888229b36But as true as it may be, it changes nothing, so I gave up and started all over again many times, and I will many more. But now I have things to follow through on, and somewhere in the future is a blazing light so bright and therapeutically cleansing that it will throw shadows over the whole world, so forward it is.
13095892_806075932861578_5364596726252551194_n
I hope you can all see the light you need Kids, every day.
Cheers V

 

Cold reality

everything

Over the past few months a lot has happened…and not happened. Things I wanted to didn’t, things I didn’t want to, did. It has made me think a lot about priorities-what they are and what they should be.

In a ‘complicated world’, with so many things happening, it has been very enlightening actually coming to a conclusion as to what my priorities are…or should I say ‘who’ they are.
It’s this simple… PEOPLE. People are my priority (including my dogs). Not money, possessions, cars, places or anything else material. Things are just things, they come and go, accumulate and decrease, wear out, get replaced, outdated, updated, lose their value. Things don’t last forever. People are important, and that includes me.

Throughout everything that has happened, or not happened to me, the constant thing was the people in my life. They are the difference in my day being a good day or a bad one, a night being a good one or a great one and the difference in me, having the strength to face the next day. People affect me.
10297569_301283113365330_6374559976635345819_n

I have had countless coffee dates, visits and epic late night teary phone calls. I have had advice, laughs, drinks and hugs. I have had ears to listen and shoulders to cry on. And at the end of all of these, well needed kicks in the ass and inspiration.

1656106_1411171485800340_407086515_n

I don’t want to just live to my life, I want to share my life. I want to share the fun, the sadness, the adventure, the experience of everything new and exciting, the relaxation. I want to share it with the people that are important to me, that I love, that love me, that want me to share in theirs. I want that feeling that you get, when something good happens, and there is someone in your life that you just HAVE to tell.

The people who love you do not determine your value, and should never be allowed to. Nobody is perfect, but some people are perfect for each other. The right people will simply make a place for you in their lives and their time.

a71ec083ab543c2add7e686a95ac02d0

I don’t care where I go, or what I do. I care about who I am.
I fight for the things I want and love, so at the end of the day, I can say ‘I did my best’. If it’s not good enough, it doesn’t matter, I know I tried everything I could. I don’t want to regret missing the chance at something because I didn’t.

So, when it comes to surrounding myself with the right people, I’m starting with myself. I decided after all of this reflection, that I need to be better. Yes, I’m broken, but life goes goes on, and I can exist it out or live it. Pain is a part of it. Hurt is a part of it. But they are not the only parts. There is so much more, if you can only look past the invisible barriers you set yourself, and see it.
I am doing something about the things I can control…the way I look, the way I feel, the way I want to be. To be myself again.

10458843_301312673362374_3621739578562183197_n

And I know that while I am looking inward, the people that want to be in my life, the people around me, will be watching over me.
We should all be so lucky.

Cheers XX-V

 

Where to from here?…

tumblr_lp2l8gtmd41qzb36do1_500_large1

Today I learned something. I don’t know how or what triggered the process, but after sitting quietly alone in my kitchen at 4am with a pencil and paper…I learned it. I made a decision of the two choices in front of me…to either follow through with dark thorough musings of finality or to be here.
1476234_562217910530484_1947999108_n

Today the choice was to be here, and if I am to be here, I don’t want simply to exist. I want everything. I want the fucking fairy-tale ending, and if I can’t have that just yet, then I want the simple joy of being free and happy. I want puppies running amok in my house. I want midnight slushy runs. I want parties until 3am in the morning. I want coffee drop-ins. I want movie marathons. I want loud music-LOUD. I want to learn new things. I want anything I’ve missed out on in the past. I want to eat what I want, when I want. I want to workout to feel better, and better about myself. I want to meet new people. I want to excel at the things I love. I want all of this and so much more. I want whatever happens next…
Picture-680x340

I’m totally sick of thinking about what was, what happened, what used to be. I want to focus on what will be, what will happen, what I can do. I want to go forward without thinking about anything other than that is the direction I need to be headed in.
While there are still things that need to be settled, finalised and finished…that’s all just details. The physical, material side of it all. It doesn’t need the huge emotional investment, any more than choosing which milk to buy does. Focusing so much emotional energy on things that don’t require it, is just exhausting. If it’s over, leave it behind and let it be over. If there’s nothing you can do to change a situation, accept that for what it is and put yourself in a different situation. I’m making myself a priority, even if it’s if only my own. And one day…I may be someone else’s too.

movingon-8

But this day…this day is mine.

Of course this doesn’t mean that there aren’t still a myriad of things happening in the background. There are. It just means that I have made the conscious decision to deal with them differently from here forward. Instead of letting them dictate the mood of a day, the realisation that, for the time being, there is nothing I can do to change them, is hopefully enough to make them a secondary thought, rather than a determining factor. I need to take my finger off the pause button.

Tomorrow will come along and who knows what will happen? Things may be totally different then…or in weeks..or months. So for now, I am looking forward. To what?…I have no idea…and that in itself is pretty cool right? 😉
beauty beast crop

Goodnight Vamps…don’t let the Zimperumapazoos bite…

XX-V

Knock, knock…

Do-More-Of-What-Makes-You-Happy
So This post may possibly be multi-faceted and jump around a lot. But that, at the moment, is how my thought process is working, so please bear with it. If at any point you lose it, just go back and read slower. 😛

The past weeks have been tense, mixed, neurotic, unsettled. The natives are restless. Something is in the air. Change, and for the better? Perhaps. For the worse?, we’ll see. But change.
I have been set the task by my own mind of evaluating life and all it presents or promises, and figuring out what it is I ask of it. What do I want? Tough call.
The cop out of course, is to ask happiness. But that in itself is not enough. Asking happiness alone, is simply posing another question…what makes you happy? That is the real question, and only one person can really answer it.
ae535a079a1ac86ff4e94224ea0bdad4
So here are the things that I currently know make me happy. The certainties, as best as I can phrase them right now, in no particular order.
*The dogs.
*Being with someone who wants me to be/ makes me happy and vice versa.
*Creating, whether it be sketching, crafting, gardening etc. Just creating something where something was once not.
*Independence. Being free to do my own thing.
*Stability. Knowing my world will not fall from beneath me.(as it has before in many different ways)
*Learning. Absorbing new things of my choosing.
*Riding. Although it’s been a while, I want back on my bike.
*Friends. My real friends, although few, are people I need in my life.
*Self expression. The freedom to be myself.
*Passion. In everything. Always.

So, while it will all come slowly, a lot of thinking, calculating, talking, exploring and other more hard to pronounce verbs (and a few expletives) have been used to try and work it through.
I have entrusted friends with my most difficult thoughts. I have made decisions only to overrule them minutes later. I have made others that have been set with steely resolve. I have been angered, sad, frustrated, happy, anxious, loved, wanted, comforted, hurt and disappointed.
And yet I find myself still searching for answers both from within and in others. It’s complicated.
90f657f4189be0d68fe20f9a85414aba

Amongst all of this, I have noticed (must be something with the lunar phase yes?) that a lot of the people who make up the network of ‘my people’, have also been dealt crossroad cards themselves.
I have seen a long term relationship break apart with no specific surprise from onlookers, and a short term one end to the disbelief of many.
I have both consoled and supported a friend in need. Because at some point, people need to be reminded that they are not alone….whether they want to be or not.
8dc89a5a9316c5c2e9b64657ba8c5540

I have learnt a little more about some people, and a lot more about others. People who have chosen to let me be a closer part of their lives. I have shared things about myself that were stored in that ‘throw away the key’ kind of box, to let them know I want them to be a closer part of mine. Everyone has one.
11d6ce22877c040348ca95236b5b7954

As cyclonic as most of this sounds, it is predominantly in my head, so no need to run for cover. Not just yet anyway. If all hell breaks loose, I’m sure you’ll all hear it coming from whatever corner of the globe you hail.

This week, I have also remembered the day, a year past, that I lost a part of myself. Has it really been that long/short a time?
c3ea2fc3b2fa0b13f25f5e48d6a6fa41

But time is ticking by, so now I am going to go and curl up tight under that fur blanket with the fur-babies snuggled up either side, and try to sleep to the calming sound of rain falling outside. If I do sleep, I will no doubt fall away,deep and dark, but if I do dream…what colourful dreams they will be.

Sleep tight all…
XX-V