I am being sent by work, to Wine Country, to do a ‘personal effectiveness program’ soon, and the prep was to fill in a survey. It was a multiple page questionnaire on how you view yourself. This alone presents many challenges, the first being exactly how truthful you should be. I decided to BE. I was as honest as possible, to the point where they will probably be wondering why I am even fucking working there. They also likely now think I am a hostile, evil, twisted, socially unacceptable, nasty bitch. Oh wait…
It actually asked questions like ‘Are you hostile?’, ‘Do you follow?’, ‘Do you need to be accepted?’, and ‘Do you accept rules without question?’, ‘Do you do things just to receive praise?’ I mean FFS…really? Now I know there are people out there like that, but sorry, I’m not one of them. Is that a bad thing? A good thing? Indifferent? I was told the very first week I started, that I wouldn’t last. Not because I couldn’t do it, but because it would frustrate and infuriate me, being stuck in an office, behind a desk, with zero flexibility for creative input. People underestimate my ability to (sadly) deal with mediocrity when required, so here I am. There are perks, problems, and people. There are good people. There are small problems. The bills are paid. Done.
There are a lot of things weighing on my mind right now. Love, lust, loss and lethargy. The weight of the world on my shoulders. First world problems. My world problems. So, maybe I’m not a blazing ray of sunshine some days…ok, most days…ok, many days at all…but I keep up appearances where they are required, and internally stabilise my ‘losing my shit completely’ function. I’m really tired. Tired physically, from resisting rest, and emotionally, from being such an erratic mess. I’m tired of wanting more of some things, and less of others. I’m tired of wanting more from myself, that some days I just don’t have to give. And honestly, I don’t think there’s a ‘fix’. I think after all this time, I’m just accepting that’s the way I am.
One of the questions was ‘Do you overthink things?’. I actually laughed out loud. Then someone commented they didn’t think I was like that…that I seemed more spontaneous. I was almost speechless. I really had nothing. I was pretty sure that you could literally see the fifteen million tabs open in my brain, behind my eyes at any given moment. Apparently not as obvious as I presumed. That’s not to say I don’t make decisions that seem spontaneous, totally irrational, or just utterly self-destructive. But you should know that a LOT of thought goes into them first. My stupid decisions are certainly not impetuous. They are the result of a long and complicated, twisted process. Completely type A.
Then there’s the ‘Do you trust people?’, ‘Do you accept what you are told without question?’…Hell no. Why would I? I have been lied to and left wanting throughout my entire life. Part of the whole overthinking mechanism is to question the validity and reality of everything. Your brain just naturally takes every little aspect of words into account, from current situation, past history, intelligence, risk, motivation, emotion and perspective, to blind faith. Then you go one step further, and weigh up the possibilities and probabilities of what has actually been said being true. Then there’s ways and means of simply finding truths and details. And in that vein, I have also become very well versed in knowing more than I say. Keeping private things private. Secret things secret. My things mine.
The final question was the coffin nail, if ever there was one…’How comfortable did you feel answering this survey honestly?’. This was maybe the question which determined whether you were really a people pleaser, an anti-social bitch…or perhaps just how much you value your current employment situation. I figured if they don’t already have an inkling of what I’m like by now, then I probably shouldn’t be there. I have a filter, but it’s not a very strong one. And I’ve been told on more than one occasion, that what my words don’t say, my face gives away, so there’s that.
Anyway, I’ll be amongst it, with all the touchy-feely vibes soon enough, and know if it’s a worthwhile endeavour, or if finding out more about me, will just make these people turn pale and question their HR department.
Either way, it’s something different, and hey…we may all learn something new.