People ask me if I’m Ok? When they see something change. When they know I’m going through something bad. When I don’t want to talk. They ask if I’m ok?…
Like the Cashier at the Supermarket asks if I’ve had a good day?…because she has to. It’s her job, but that’s where it ends. She gets paid to ask, but not enough money in the world could make her actually give a fuck. She doesn’t care, but she asks out of duty and for reward. She keeps her job, I smile and say “Good”, and we both move on.
She says “Have a nice day”.
Have you ever told the truth? To that poor, unsuspecting checkout girl…how your day really was? They don’t know what to do. There is an awkward, uncomfortable silence, if she even bothers to listen to your reply.
So…stop asking me if I’m Ok? I’m not. I’m not okay.
A very old wound in my chest has been ripped open with unfulfilled promises, and instead of being healed, my heart has been taken out and used as a toy. It has been squashed and bitten and spat out, by someone who knew exactly what they were doing…and seemingly doesn’t give a fuck. I am reliving the worst time ever of my life, all over again.
I don’t know how to deal with it, what will happen, or how it will end. I have to decide every damn day that there is a reason to keep going, and then try and find it. I don’t have the right answers.
I shouldn’t be okay. I have every right not to be. I have lost my person, and I am lying here bleeding out, wondering whether I actually want to try and find something to stitch up the gaping hole they have left…or not.
This week my heart momentarily stopped. Not just dramatically…actually stopped. I’m still at a loss as to why it started again. The paramedic asked me if I was under emotional stress? I just looked at him. He nodded.
But most of you don’t want to know that. Any of it. You don’t want to hear the unsettling truth any more than I want to share it or experience it. You want to know that I am okay, so you can be okay. Well, I’m not, but no…I don’t want to explain, and no…I sure as hell don’t want your pity.
So…if it’s out of duty that you ask or for reward, take note now, and let’s just avoid the awkward, uncomfortable silence.
Oh, and… “Have a nice day”
V
P.s: There’s a typo…I’m not sorry, but…mostly this.
vampressa 