The other C word

When life gets hurtful, people say there are no words. There are always words…the real problem, is that some cannot put aside their ego or selfishness long enough, or are not strong or honest enough to say them. Because words make how you feel into reality. Words like Love, sorry, promise, loyal, hurt or goodbye. They put a part of you out there in the world in some way, to be acknowledged in some way, to be seen. Some people are not real enough, to use words.

If there was a word for this, what I feel now, above all others, it would be conflict. It was even a conflict, as to whether or not to write here, yet, or ever again. Because I currently have little tolerance for anyone or anything. I have depleted people skills other than wanting near everyone to just fuck off and leave me to my own devices, and no desire to share personal feeling with anyone, let alone that one person. I can likely rest safely assured however, that he will not read this, and has happily turned away, seemingly secure in the knowledge, that he never has to set eye on me, my writings, or anything else to do with me ever again. And I have accepted that is what he wants. I have accepted many things in that regard.

Me however, I am caught/torn in this intense situation. A cocoon if you will. It is this painfully real transformation of one thing into another. A myriad of truth and painful realisations.

It’s like piecing this puzzle together, as as it all slides into place a light comes on, and then the ground drops from beneath your feet. All you feel is falling, and after a while you stop fighting it…

It’s not just feeling down. It’s an intense feeling–as intense as any you’ve ever felt–of betrayal, profound and irredeemable sadness, and despair. It bounces between needing and not wanting.

It has a lot of different feels, and lack thereof. The common factor, is that it all feels so fucking hard to do. Every little thing. Talking, eating, moving…and then you go to sleep (if at all possible), wake up, and it’s the same all over again. It takes the form of anger, irritability, resentment, hurt or just a deep chasm of emptiness. It is a near complete lack of sensory input.

It has been a calm rational thought ‘I should kill myself’ or ‘I am nothing’ and it didn’t even feel like sadness. It can be very cognitive, like -the world is an evil place, and people are heartless. You just feel the light drain from your eyes, and the eyes drain from your smile, and wonder if anything can ever bring it back.

Then, in stark contrast, there is this opposing desire to be strong and overcome. There is a passion to prove, that if I can make it through a minute, a day, and a week, then there is hope to survive another yet. And then defiance, opportunity, plans and other things creep in and push, whisper, push…to keep going. To do better. That there is more.

So, here’s where it changes, just one last time. Just as others have made choices, so have I. Only these ones are honest, resolute, progressive and some, concrete.

They are selfishly only for me, and surging with primitive desire to not only survive, but succeed. They are raw, spontaneous, laden with fear, anticipation and change, but I’m making them anyway. I can no longer stand still. Because if I do…I won’t make it. I can’t just exist any more.
Hence, I’m not sure what you all do for shits and giggles on a Friday, but I’m pretty sure it’s not diagrammatic reasoning, cognitive ability, personality factoring, verbal aptitude, inductive reasoning, psychometric and situational judgement testing. But today that has been my program, and a doorway to other things. Out of this closed dark room in my head and my house, drapes pulled shut.

I have this world of possibilities and new options in front of me, and I have to piece it all together again, but I will, because I can. I have done this before, clawed my way out of the dark…it sharpened my nails.

This time the hole is darker, deeper, and full of the broken bones of promises with debris of scattered dreams…but this time I know which way is up. And I will do it the only way I have ever done anything. Alone.
I just…need a minute.

Always know which direction you’re heading in Kids.
V

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New Year, just me.

The new year has finally started. Not a huge turning point from a lot of angles, but a select few perhaps. While the turn of the clock really doesn’t signify more than the fact that a few more minutes have expired, some see it as the magical unicorn of hope. The time to start afresh, move forward, leave the old behind. And while it may just be all rubbish, why spoil the moment for those who believe? If something can give someone hope…as long as hope isn’t the only thing they have, as long as it’s paired with something realistic, then let it.
whoAs for me…I’m on both sides of that fence. I’m cleaning out some old baggage, and opening new chapters too. Not ‘new year, new me’ stuff, but I just want to do better things for, and with, the ‘me’ I have always been. Most of you don’t know much about who exactly that is. You have heard my rants, opinions, memories, whinging, goals and motivations, but not a great deal about the ticking mechanisms, or where those thoughts come from…so here’s a little insight to start the new years reading…

38e33ad805fb7e4ea49225097a22a22aI believe in giving things your all. If you are going to jump into something, why not head first? Sure, you can take calculated guesses as to how deep it may be, but if you’re going to jump regardless, then just jump. If I am not sure about something, I’ll procrastinate and fuck about with it. But, I am passionate about the things I love or believe in, and there is no halfway with that. In loving, fighting, helping, fixing, there is only ‘do or do not do’. Why half-arse it when you can whole arse it?

x16 I have been so, so, so fucking hurt. And I’m not talking like the, ‘oh we were together for a while, but it didn’t work out’ kind, but deep down, to my soul, betrayed on every level, never recover, kind of hurt. 14 intermittent years of hope, love and forevers, wrapped in “I love you’s”, disintegrated into nevers, by empty promises and deceit. The last year came paper-thin close to ending me, mentally and physically (and no I’m not just being dramatic).

4e1fce29654d5c4fda70429d9354edb6I am not as naive, gullible or stupid as a lot of people, and a specific few, think I am.  Sure, I let a lot of things slide for the ones I love, but more often than not, it doesn’t mean that I don’t know the truth. I’m sure there have been plenty of times, that a well spoken lie has served its intended purpose, but each one inflicts doubt and hesitation. And many…well, often I choose to let hope persuade me to believe what I want, over what could be…
x8I still believe in true love. Even with all the cracks and fuck-ups (hey nothing’s perfect right?), I still believe in true love, soulmates, destiny of path and all that other hippy shit. The problem is that I may be the last living soul on the planet that does, which puts a small hiccup in the plan. Unfortunately you can’t do it alone.
x9 This man, this dark and hurtful man, I love. Denying it would be the most transparent veil of a lie I could ever tell. I no longer try to understand it more than I do, and I expect it will never change. I have no intention to try and do so. But I need to somehow learn to love myself just enough…to know that what he gave me was not love.
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Love is about taking chances, and showing strength via weakness and vulnerability, honesty, respect, taking responsibility, keeping promises and not giving up. If he ever really wanted it at all, he gave up. Maybe long ago. I have not given up. I just gave in, because I had to.
x4I text/message back fast. I always have my phone in reach. Not because I want it to ring, but because I want ‘my people’ to know that they have someone. Someone who is listening, and cares…enough. I may go off grid for a while every now and then, when it all gets too much (sorry for the last two weeks), but everyone needs somebody, for when they need somebody. And don’t ever try to kid yourself, that that’s not you. We all do.

x10Although I feel dark, broken and twisty, I can still be ridiculously and surprisingly optimistic. It’s like this huge conflict of hope and hopelessness. I think I just need to see that somehow, something can change or get better, because I need a light ahead to keep going. When a part of me gives up completely, the other half drags it up by the collar (like that sober friend that carries you out of the club?) and refuses to let it stay all the way down.
I can’t take all of the credit for that however, I owe a lot to my dogs. They have given me a reason to stay grounded, stay coherently (sometimes) sober, and well…just, stay.

vwm15731014_10210694712697678_278154594_nI love art, music and dogs (and in no particular order). I have dogs, I help dogs, I foster and rescue dogs, I stop and pat random dogs. Dogs.
I do commission artwork (lots of dogs), tattoos, as well as whatever takes my fancy at the time. It helps me focus, takes my mind of other things, and lets me feel productive and worthy of something all at once. This year I am concentrating more on it, and have three commissions in the works currently.
Music is my soundtrack to life. I have a stupid number of playlists for every mood and occasion. It plays 99% of every day. I find both solace and happiness in it, in listening to other people tell their stories.

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I have a total love/hate relationship with myself. There are days where I look at myself and shudder, hating on everything I see, and days where I shrug it off, and accept that I am who I am. I refuse to apologise for it any more, if I piss people off, intimidate them, annoy them, or offend them, just by being who I am. I am almost 40, and beyond pandering to people, who would only accept the romanticised version. I know I could be fitter and healthier, and when the time is right (very soon), I will be. I don’t see someone beautiful in the mirror, often just plain and messy, yet I am told otherwise from time to time. The bad stuff is often easier to believe. I’m working on that.

I have a lot more patience than people assume I have. Sure, I can be spontaneous, impetuous and reactive. Yes, I can get bothered if some things don’t happen straight away, or the way I thought they would. If I’m willing to do something without hesitation, it’s difficult to watch others wait. But if a game it all is, then a game, you play with strategy. One chooses their battles, makes alliances, researches the facts and perfects their timing. Never underestimate the other players.

My people are ‘my people’. My friends are odd, broken, experienced, tough, survivors, weathered, scarred, beautiful and just a little twisted. The most common traits include love of animals, warped sense of humour, inability to tolerate stupid fuckers, capability to speak their truth openly, staying up late on school nights, and lack of judgement toward others for their differences (sexuality, colour, race, fetishes, etc). They are open-minded, intelligent and passionate.  They have tattoos and sailor mouths, but respect when necessary. They are not offended easily, partake in devil drinks and love music. They analyse, dissect, empathise, question. These are my people. I could count them on two hands (I’m lucky). And I love them.

70b48daa206a02a8533875cfdea0ee5fSo there you go Kids. A whole heap of stuff from the more intrusive, slightly uncomfortable to write, ‘all about me’ section. Maybe if I ever do this again, it will sound chirpier and less ‘meh with more ‘yay’. There’s a whole year ahead..and then another one..and another.

Cheers
V

 

 

A grave day

5Twas the night before, the night before Christmas, and all through the house…was nothing.

I’ve walked into the kitchen four times tonight, before I remembered I was actually going through to the laundry for something. I eventually got it. It was for the dogs. Another excuse to go back to my dogs.
I’ve stopped to fall on my bed and cuddle them, more times than I care to count.
I don’t have it in me to choose a movie to watch. I didn’t trust myself to open a bottle.
I got nothing.
2623335172aba7a59144970d48043327I don’t care for Christmas, we’ve established that previously, but it’s really just the time of year. A time when everyone else is out there in the world, advertising the fact that they are with the ones they love. And I got nothing.
The man I love, and only one I want most in the whole world to be with, is far away, content to be with another. The arms that make me feel loved, and safe, and at peace, are no longer around me.
My family is gone. My friends are with their loved ones, and I don’t begrudge them that, but I don’t have it.
971bba00dc3aa31cd4899c35581e47b4  I received a phone call today. A person I have never spoken with in my life, called to ‘remind me’ that tomorrow is the anniversary of my Fathers death. Because, I obviously would forget such small and insignificant things like this.
“We miss him”, she said, “I can’t even delete his number from my phone. So we put flowers on his grave today”.
“Oh”…she says as an after thought…”I’m sure you miss him too. It’s tomorrow you know”.
I can’t even fathom the level of vacuity it took to make that call. After a few seconds of being utterly speechless, I asked her around the welling tears, if she would like a badge for her good deed. The call ended shortly thereafter.
1When my Father was killed in an accident three years ago, it was my front door the police knocked on to notify. I had to hear all the details from officers, with their eyes turned to the floor, to have to give someone such news on that day. I was the one who had to make the phone call to my big brother, to tell him what had happened. On Christmas fucking Eve.
We were the ones who had to drive hours to his house the following week and find his paperwork, clean up and make arrangements for his dog. We were the ones who had to clean the personal possessions out of his wrecked, mangled car at the impound yard, around the dry blood splashed all over the centre console. We had to stay at his empty house, field his friends and family, and sort through all the photo albums. We had to arrange the funeral service, and then travel to attend it. All while you stayed in your comfy fucking home…unable to delete his number from your phone. So lady, just FUCK OFF. And take your flowers with you.

I don’t need to put flowers on a meaningless, stone grave-site to remember my Father. He is with me wherever I go, in what he did for me, what he taught me, how he did his best to raise me, and loved me. He is in my cherished childhood memories, with my Mother, of how much they loved each other, and our family.
And I certainly don’t need a phone call from anyone to remind me what day it is, that we suddenly lost him.
Every year, the shine of tinsel and ring of bells does that for me. The day draws nearer, and I see people get excited for the man in red coming to their house, while the two most important ones in my life, won’t be.
4So you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t sing along with the Carols and put on a paper hat. I know we’re supposed to be thankful for the things we do have…and I am, but some days, the things I am missing, make that focus go a little blurry.
2Hold your loved ones close Kids, tell them you love them as often as you can, life is so much harder without them.
V.
6

Spilt milk…ish.

f04db7188337bee761e5bde238af2517You know the old phrase ‘There’s no use crying over spilt milk’…well how about wine? Can you cry over spilt wine? I shall answer that on all of your behalf. I think it is perfectly acceptable on special occasions. And today was special. You see… this blog is more like something nobody needs in Summer, a heated vent, because honestly…I’ve just had enough.
38dc8b77fc74bc1ed987f971a57b5d27I can’t do this today. So I’ve decided that, to prevent risk of further spillage, the wine…it’s being consumed from a tall stable glass. A green tinted glass. With a neck. Ok…the bottle. Straight from the bottle. Classy as fuck.
6d51d58d223a7d5b32e212a0217b93c0I’ve tried lately, I really have, to stay positive and refocus on the ‘haves’, rather than the ‘do not haves’. What I actually ‘have’ is no fucking idea if I’m winning or losing the battle. The Universe has decided that a myriad of things around me should end, break, or just fuck up in general. As I fix one, the next fails, and it feels like a never-ending struggle to stay on top of it all. Pay one bill and the next arrives, replace one item and the next breaks…and then there’s me-a royal upbeat mess. Some days I feel positive, oblivious even…and some days I just feel like I’m pretending, trying to fool even myself. Take a step forward, and get knocked back on my arse. F.I.N.E. I always get up, as everyone tells me, it just takes varying amounts of time.
03cbd4f9ac2f22ff743069749ef5b7fc.jpgI spent the whole day waiting. Not wanting to start something ‘else’ in case it was interrupted. Not wanting to chance missing out. Waiting for someone who never arrived, and something that never happened…and it just did my head in. I’ve spent so long waiting for things that matter, that I can’t do it any more. No matter how important or insignificant it is, I can’t bear the thought of wasting time just waiting. Life is too long to be unhappy, too short to spend on things that don’t inspire, and too simple to be complicated. So at the end of the day I just felt so overwhelmingly, utterly hurt and disappointed in everything, everyone, and every word ever spoken to me.
signatureIt was drama queen central, right there in my kitchen. All of the beautiful, shiny, high end knives pointed right at me, and I felt every one of them hit their target. All at once.
8b7537fdd3afd5d6dd6f28f570344666I called and cancelled, gave my boxing gloves their first intense workout in over 6 months, then walked out the door and into the storm, and just let myself walk until I was saturated. It was all I could do. Literally…it felt like all I could do.
stormThe lightning snaked across the sky, thunder boomed, and the rain hid my frustration so well. And when I had calmed down, I made my way back to…a house. The one where I keep my dogs. My stuff. Just a house. And the thunder and wind, well, even though it saw me, and it knew…it just went on as if nothing had happened at all.

Someone told me this week, that they were just ‘Existing. Just trying to make it to Christmas without killing themselves or someone else’, and that right there…well, that described my day perfectly. Christmas is so near, yet it seems so far away. So many days away. And things…things just keep breaking.
05eb0bc07a61243624d14f810e0abd06Honestly, I was hoping Christmas would pass by this year completely unseen. But unfortunately, there are already baubles and bright lights everywhere. I know that the closer it looms, the worse this sickening feeling will get. The one of glitter, replaced by all the ‘do not haves’-a selfish pain. I have lost so many loved everythings at this time of year, so many things are missing, it has come to be a painful reminder of that, over a celebration of anything at all. When people are rejoicing with families and loved ones on the day, I will be quietly and painfully remembering my ‘do not haves’, as I suspect, will those I will share it with.
christmas-grumpy-cat-121But until that day, and the ones that come after it, and the next, when the sun is supposed to magically change its path and shine brighter…I will exist, and fix, and try. Try and look forward, fix things, not myself…because I am not broken. I am hurting, suffering, healing, understanding, accepting, different, loving, and many other things perhaps…but not broken. Human.

Remember on the bad days Kids, that we are all just human. On all the good, bad and meltdown days. In the moments of love, and hurt and anger. With all our glorious victories, flaws, successes, faults, and mistakes..and all of our love and hope and passion…we are human. We deserve. I deserve. You deserve.
20140724_144156-1v3.jpgCheers and hugs (for me really)
V

 

Baby, don’t hurt me, no more…

What is love? Is it straight out, over the top, passionate, scream it from the treetops proclamations? Perhaps a soft touch, or gentle stare into anothers eyes? Just a phone call every now and then? No, Love is too difficult to define. There are too many variations of it to label it as this or that. There are too many subtleties and facets, to say that something is or isn’t love. Love is felt, not explained. It is when you feel something that cannot be explained, by anything other than the simple four letter word, that encompasses so many things. Love. We say it too much, and mean it too little.
869018a0afdedff078f1f694127cc835And then there’s being ‘in love’, which is a whole different ball game. That is, love, this indescribable feeling, at such an intensity level, that it changes a person. It makes their priorities change and heart do back-flips.
43be1b8b0c2409f67496013750bf9504The old cliche is wrong, it doesn’t make you blind…but it does make you forgiving. It makes your desires change, and grants you the ability to do things you never knew you could, both good and bad. It defies logic and reason. And if you are alone in it, it is the hardest kind of hard.
c1fa64d64e475a9f0ac37a03642e1430The places you find the different forms of love are surprising. It can come as a phone call, to make sure you are okay, a hug from a stranger, a lover with whom your soul has likely shared a past life…or in the respect of a friend.
1e84e2d029431ba2e63fd4d286eb268aI have a friend, who I have been close to for most of my life. He comes across as very blaze when it comes to most people. He’s introverted and quiet, but he’s passionate about things that mean anything to him. I introduced him to someone very important to me once, and he was already skeptical, but promised to stay open-minded, because he knew what it meant to me. After the event, and further down the track, he said to me in a very even serious tone “I like the guy, I really do…you said I would…but if he hurts you one more time like this, I’ll fucking kill him”. It wasn’t a real threat, it was just a statement to show how he felt. It was protective and heartfelt…and there’s love in that.

Another friend. On the outside he’s pretty easy on the eye and a little on the rough side, but I’m sure that inside, is something that would make a Miner smile. We spent some time together at one point, and along with the general conversation, he may have thrown words like ‘awesome’, ‘attractive’ and ‘beautiful’ at me. I admit I was somewhat surprised, but dismissed it quite quickly and we kept talking. We got ridiculously drunk and ended up in bed together.
At this point, you may be thinking “what’s this got to do with love, it’s sounding like bad 70’s porn music should be playing in the background?”…but no. Nothing like that happened, and that’s the point exactly.
We curled up together and went to sleep. That’s the truth.
In the morning, he said to me quite matter-of-factly “The reason I didn’t try anything, is only because I respect that you have feelings for someone else, and I knew you wouldn’t want me to. I don’t want to mess with that, we’re friends”. He was right.
And that right there. Respect, honesty…there’s love in that.

A third friend has recently lost someone very special. She is in a world of her own pain, and yet never fails to reach out a loving hand to help when I fall. She listens and talks, and makes coffee and time. She never judges, and tries to understand where I’m at (not an easy feat). There are days I’m sure that company would not be a priority, yet the door is never locked when I randomly arrive. She tells me that I have helped on days that were bleak and seemingly hopeless, just by being there, yet she doesn’t know just how much she has helped me too.
Unconditional care and acceptance…there’s love in that.

And a fourth, who has messaged me every day for the last few weeks without fail, to make sure I’m still here, because he legitimately worries that one day I won’t reply…and I won’t be here. Even though he knows I don’t tell him how I really feel when he asks, he asks anyway and says that any reply is better than no reply. He brought me Halloween vampire donuts when he ‘just happened to be around’ from over an hour away, this week.
Worry and persistence…there’s love in that.
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And then there’s this guy…my fish…and he uses the word ‘love’. That sharp-edged, complex, affective word.
We fit, and it feels right. It’s the part that escapes explanation, no matter how many words you care to try and string together. He came to me a long time ago and asked me to choose him, and I did, without hesitation. He asked me not to give up, and I didn’t, not once.
9a2418b665019ce75d2cb70ae9805c3cWe shared time, places and passions, and talked about histories, futures, faults, fears and dreams. We loved and laughed…and just…fit. He always left me wanting one more kiss, one more touch, one more word, one more of everything about him…and then one day… he just left.
And I can’t hate him, so the pain and the missing…there’s love in that too. Mine.
download-14People say that love hurts, but it doesn’t. Love does not hurt. Love is what’s right with the world. Love is both grand and humble. Love is feeling good and fulfilled and calm. Love is knowing that wherever you are, it doesn’t matter, because if you’re with that someone…it’s where you’re meant to be.
5da0cd94f20c7b38bdd4015732ac06f4It’s standing next to them and not feeling close enough unless you are touching their skin. It’s looking in their eyes and knowing without a doubt how you feel. It’s the smile a morning text can put on your face for the rest of the day. It’s missing them with every fibre of your soul when they are gone. It’s knowing that you will always feel that way. Love fills your cup. It’s unmistakable and undeniable.

It’s the absence of love, the people who don’t know how to love, that hurts.

Don’t get the two mixed up Kids…But always believe.
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Cheers
V

 

 

 

 

 

A different kind of light

I had a lot of big decisions to make this week. I needed quiet and space. Offline and away from other people completely. They are big decisions. Big. They mark finality and never coming back. They mark acceptance of a situation as it is, without the flowers and trim. They accept the fact that I can no longer change, try, fight or go on with anything the way it is.
One of them is the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my whole life, because no matter what else has happened, there is still love-even if unrequited, and there always will be. It means that I am throwing away hope, and any chance. And before I do it, I have to be okay with that. And I was not ready. Not for that. I’m not sure I ever really will be, but I had to at least be assured that it is my decision, and the consequences are mine to own also.
ed2370bd07853b147a527bf4c7bfc0dd.jpgI have needed to separate the truth from emotion. I needed to know that what comes next, is inspired, motivated, by the right things rather than just raw emotion. To apply logic over heart is not something I am familiar with. The hard part, is that I know I have been lied to and manipulated for so long, that I’m not really sure what the truth is any more. So I have to base my decisions on the things I do know.
grey10So I’ve kept away. Away from the white noise and the swirling torrents of advice and bullshit. Away from the world and sensationalists urging me to ‘do this’ or do that’ for the reasons they see clearly from the outside. Because nobody knows the full story, how I feel, or has to live it. Nobody understands how deeply ingrained in me it is. My side of the story can’t be explained with words. So I’ve had to live in my head, over my heart, scary at best. And ALL of my decisions have now condensed into two, that while still are hard, are simpler. They become binary, yes or no answers, based on the directly related facts. Still no easier to make and action, yet simpler to understand.
There are still a lot of factors that need to be considered to arrive at a conclusion, and I also need to let go of preconceived and given notions, which may not have ever been the truth to begin with. I need to clear away the shades of grey and see the situation as black and white. And once I have made the decisions, I need to stop myself from over-analysing and dissecting them over again. They need to be resolute, concrete…final. They are decisions which I need to be not only prepared for, but 100% sure of.

Both decisions are the kind, that I need to be both physically and mentally prepared for. Because while I am hurting more right now than I ever have before in my whole life, I am sure there is room for more pain. There always seems to be. When you think you have reached the thresh-hold of ‘all you can take’, the cliff facing gives way above you, and more comes pouring down. All you can do is brace and wait for it to hit. Right now I am standing at the bottom making vibrations…tapping the rock face…trying to figure out if unleashing the force of all that weight upon myself is the right thing to do, rather than letting someone else stumble under it by accident.

While we all have free will, and the luxury of making our own decisions, the biggest ones never seem easy. The hardest ones to make, are the ones we have to make. They’re never about money or material things. They are not the things that define us. They’re about our hearts, and how we choose to love or hurt ourselves or others. They’re about our own inner truth, and who we care for the most. They’re about whether or not we are the most important people in our own lives. They’re about who we want to share ourselves, and our time, with. They’re about who we draw near or push away. They’re about who we choose. Remember the tale of Romeo and Juliet? Some say a tragedy, but simplified, really just a true choice. They couldn’t be together so they chose not to suffer the pain of being apart.
fa73b922efbff4d572e2bf47d0df107bThe hardest decisions are about being honest in what we really want. And for me, this was it…the fight…
14368836_10153981790518727_6042025880586578387_n.jpgBut, in keeping away from the world, it has given me time to clear my head a small amount. It has given me time to just be alone, and think about what I feel is important to me, and what and who is not. It has also unintentionally shown me more about the people that surround me. Who gives a fuck, and who makes it quite clear that they don’t, who worries, and who finds it easy to just walk away.
51ab799d4dfb48165bdea5891c341379I wish I could say that among all this quiet time, I found my own answers. That I found positive clarity, and the motivation to move forward and blaze new trails…but honestly what I really found for the second time in my life, is a deeper sense of feeling like just completely giving up…or perhaps that I already even have.
35628158383db0e4b490f9a33493a568.jpgI feel drained and empty, pushed and hurt, on auto-pilot, and like I can’t put faith in anything or just about anyone any more. Because when I do, when it feels right, when I choose…something or someone tells me I am wrong. That I am nothing. Or not enough. That I can’t. That I shouldn’t. Or just to fuck off in general. Every time I fight, everything fights back. It’s an ongoing cycle of fighting to lose what I want, and I just…can’t do it any more.
13932807_864643720338132_6535210213639659548_nSo it’s time to accept the things I can’t change, make some decisions, and change the things I can. And then…well I guess that all depends…
98484423b702f803aa14a9c740b0e8beI hope your path is free of the hard decisions Kids. It would be nice to know the sun was shining somewhere in the world.
Cheers
V

Kaboom

d940760c4a3b970c32c5514b2624e980An open letter to those through my entire life that have chosen to hurt me.
To those who have chosen to hurt me physically, emotionally or mentally. To those who have lied to, stolen from, cheated on or had any ill intention toward me. To those who have abused, stalked or threatened me. To those who have left scars whether external or internal. To those who have chosen to use me for their own gain or selfish purpose, and those who have chosen to treat me as an afterthought, or like I am nothing.
To those who have broken promises, made thoughtless, fleeting empty promises, or chosen to promise more than they were ever intending to deliver.
henry-rollins-quotes-1-455x300I don’t hate you, there’s no reason left to hate. I don’t forgive you, there’s nothing left to forgive. You are irrelevant. I appreciate the experience you gave me. You were a valuable life lesson. You taught me about the kind of person, that I never want to be.
06dfa512fdd330defc481b8b1af1c1e8You taught me how important it is to keep promises, and to only offer what you can afford to give. You taught me about the value of real friendship, and love, but also more importantly, the value of self-worth, independence and determination. You taught me how important it is to stay true to myself, and believe in what I want. You taught me passion, and how to fight with it. You taught me the value of hope against all odds. And both the value and dangers, of trusting those who should not be trusted.
51adb2740f6bde7b7f74c054f1d031deYou taught me that even though we are all in this world together, we are also still in it alone. On this journey, I have made the best of friends, in the most unlikely of people and places, and I have also shed meaningless, cold, soul-leeching people from my circle.
c850748fabdde14af0dc55a9c818779cI have found that hope is so important in moving forward, and only the reason for it changes. I have found that no matter how well you think you know a person, you will never understand them completely, and that life and people are as unpredictable as each other.
08412f69d93a516b355feca95b5dd9f8I have learnt that no matter how much the universe conspires to put two things or people together, there will be just as many forces trying to tear them apart, and the difference in success, is unity in the belief of one or the other.
50b56657a2b8bc839236adc905e61043Neither words, feelings, nor depth of love can make any difference to the way a person views themselves or the world. If a person only wants to see clouds, they will never notice the sunshine. And if they reject hope, it is not theirs to embrace.
62e391d5e1b37711d50170a9f9ee3553.jpgI have learnt that the strongest people can be manipulated and controlled as much as the weakest ones, if not more, as their emotions and beliefs are stronger, and once in place cannot be altered. They have the strongest connections to guilt, love and survival all at once.
eb8c678cea192340c3e96fb9b8c0bc83I have learnt that the ones who say they love you do hurt you the most, not for wanting to, but just because they can. And I have learnt of myself, that I do not regret loving or caring for anyone in my past, because loving them did not make me a lesser person, but what they chose to give in return, defined who they were to me. Not bad people…the wrong people.
mushahiI do not regret speaking truthfully in any situation, regardless of whether the same respect was given in turn. While we are what we do-not what we say, our words are the starting point to create expectations and promises, that we can either choose to live up to or default on. Neither do I regret my faults and mistakes, or admitting to them, regardless of sacrifice or consequence.
The only true regrets I have are wasting time that would have been better spent living. As someone said to me recently…”When I give to those I love, I don’t give money…I give time, because my time is what I gave up to earn it. Money means nothing, time and what you do with it, is everything”
b1f3c86c195a1ef57d39d04943384080I have learnt that, while talking to people can help give you clarification or direction, ultimately you must choose your own path, as you are the one that has to live with the consequences or outcome. That you should never change yourself to suit someone, because if they truly loved in the first place for who you are, you won’t have to.
579f1a81bd8be34b920745b491f6a5f3And now…now I am learning for myself to see what it is I want. The value in my own decisions. The places I want to go, things I want to see, learn, do and experience for myself, because…time. And this…I am sick of doing this…
cbe8339422051e6dca593d8da45598a9I am a loud, passionate, stupidly spontaneous, planning, type A, slightly OCD, vindictive, cautious, scared, conflicted, overthinking, slightly odd, introverted, insecure, emotional, unstable, intense, opinionated, neurotic, fucked up, scarred, strong, impetuous, dark, nostalgic, optimistic, confused, reckless, logical person with a twisted sense of humour. I believe I escape simple definition by any standard.
In my life, I have encountered one person that I love completely, just one, who came close to understanding or accepting that, and chose to love me, either for it or regardless of it. And then chose not to.
bf6f1078f70d1c66b47e0f30787f1040And I am not scared, but now I am out of preferred options (at one, it was realistically quite limited anyway),
…so I am choosing to accept it all for myself…and love me.
Three years ago I got this…
12683_10201510184130204_1877931657_nBecause I will always believe it is true. Love is not the enemy…and it can fix broken things.

Cheers Kids.
V