Orwell that ends well

largeGeorge Orwell said it over 70 years ago, and I believe he said it best…
““The people will not revolt. They will not look up from their screens long enough to notice what’s happening.”
There’s nothing like travelling through a big city, and people watching to make you realise just this. To see just how many of them are not watching you back, or even noticing you are there. On a crowded tram or train, on a lonely street, a hustling shopping mall…it makes no difference. ‘They’ don’t even look up…the masses, the zombies, the technologically focused…’they’.

Albert Einstein, one of the most brilliant brains of the 20th century, is said to have predicted something almost identical: “I fear the day technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.”
251F794A00000578-0-image-a-1_1422408964508Well, maybe not all idiots, maybe well educated by google, but definitely suffering from an over social-media-ised anti-socialisation. Tragic.

I watched a couple sitting side by side. He casually flicked his arm around her, tried to talk, joked a little, and then gave up trying to win her attention. A second later they both were glued to their phones, and not a word more was spoken the entire trip.
I spoke to someone casually (because I have no filter) and they seemed shocked, surprised, hesitant to reply. When they did it was brief and disjointed.
I chatted with another guy for near 30 mins a few days last week, and on the third day, we realised that of the 20 travellers in our line of sight, we were the only ones not plugged into some type of socket. Actually talking. *GASP*.

This week alone, I have spoken to at least a dozen people I don’t even know (although now I chat frequently to one), made a baby giggle hysterically, patted a dog in a shopping cart, watched the same terrain affected and change in 3 different lights of day, listened to funny, stupid, dramatic, and joyful conversations. I have been aware of a very highly strung junkie, thanked 20 different drivers, helped 3 lil old ladies disembark, and given up my seat for numerous disabled or elderly passengers. I have given people directions, been surrounded by cute, hungry little sparrows, jumped off a stop early a time or two, and been unexpectedly complimented by a girl who felt the need to justify speaking to me, by explaining that she also had no filter. I told her no excuse was required.

We are in a world of people who are switching off more and more every day, just by switching on. iPhones, iPads, iPods, ithis, ithat, ieverything.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate social media. In fact, I think it’s fabulous. Some days, and in many ways…it’s the only way I can stay in touch with some of my nearest and dearest. But, everything in it’s place. Snapchatting, tweeting and face-timing, seems to be replacing good old fashioned talking, visiting, writing. People don’t send letters, they send ‘likes’ or ‘pokes’ or messages. People don’t visit, they email or post on your virtual wall.

We are all being desensitised methodically, and in the process, losing empathy, sympathy, respect, affection and love, yet hate still seems rife, and tempers shorter. People use the platforms to clearly express what they hate, are upset about, can’t stand or are even slightly disgruntled with. They argue politics and war, religion and sexuality. They complain about bad service, lack of service, no service and not being serviced. Perceived anonymity is making people bolder, and the boundaries of personal privacy are becoming slim to non-existent. Anything goes.
CDNk5TjUEAAoXeaMaybe I’m just different, maybe old fashioned or being left behind, but I find it so…sad, to see all of this ending. I’m happy enough receiving messages, but call me and it puts a smile on my face. Video-chat and that expands exponentially, because then we are actually sharing our lives together. Send me a letter, and I’ll probably read it more than once on the spot and then again next week…just because you took the time to write it.

I don’t want to be part of the Umbrella Corporation’s infected masses. I don’t want to be the inanimate body that stares at a screen while the world passes by in the background. I want to be that kick-arse chick with the big gun, making the world a better place to live in. Feel free to press ‘end’ and join me.

Goodnight Kids, I’m off to read my book (you know-the kind with real pages)


Shades of Grey

The last few weeks have been grey. I’d say black, but black is black…devoid of all light and hope, and they weren’t that, but for a few moments. Those moments felt like forevers at the time, but they were only moments never the less, and they passed. Grey is just bleak, with the light trying to shine through, but failing in part.
Nothing went epically wrong, it’s just that nothing went particularly right either. Lots of small things amounted to an almost overwhelming sense of disappointment and failure. It’s a feeling that I know is exaggerated and untrue, but emotions are the hardest thing for most of us to control, and you can either shrug it off as the professionals do, or submit to it.
The vivid, bad dreams, the small problems and setbacks, the lack of prospects, people that matter giving a distinct lack of fucks…all added up to grey. The emotions were running at an all time high, and I guess I just gave in for a while. You can only stay positive for so long, until a pressure crack forms and starts to let this stuff in.

I guess what all that grey added up to, was a massive amount of thinking, over-thinking and searching. I felt disappointed…in myself more than anything else. That I am trying so hard to not only stay above everything, but move forward and do better things, and it’s not happening yet. That it’s all so slow and time-consuming with no fast result. I have made all of these decisions and choices to change things, and they are just staring back at me, with this quizzical expression on their inanimate faces. And then I start to wonder, if any of it will make one fucking iota of difference in the scheme of things anyway? (Did I mention the over-thinking?).

This grey washes everything out, and brings with it, a lack of motivation, which in turn makes everything worse. I can see this unfold before my eyes, and just feel horribly apathetic about the whole shebang. ‘Housework can wait, this is too much effort, that goes in the too hard basket, nobody gives a fuck anyway, who’ll ever know, what’s the point??’
But the truth of it, is that it doesn’t matter who else knows, or gives a fuck…because I should. Because I want to. Because I do.

I spoke with a friend last night, and we arrived at pretty much this conclusion too. That, if the ultimate meaning of life has escaped everyone else thus far, then it probably doesn’t realistically exist, or if it does, we are to find our own. That we are all just here to live out our days, and then move on. So living is what we should do. To make the most of what we have, are, do.

That all sounds easy enough right? Until another person comes into your equation and makes it all the more complicated. It changes your perspective of life, and the meaning of it. It changes your ideas, of what you want from time, without you even consciously realising it. And then, there you are one day, sitting there wondering how the fuck everything blindsided you in plain sight. How did it all change so much? How did you let this happen? Did you agree to it? Did you ask for it? Do you want it? Wtttfffff?? So many shades of Grey. (I did mention the over-thinking right?)
And of course, most days you can keep on keeping on, being hopeful, being resilient, being positive, being deflective, being cheerful, being fake, being strong, being productive, being closed, being ignorant, being…busy.
Those things are not always as bad as they sound either. Being busy and productive, will eventually lead to better things, if I just keep at them. Looking for better work, will mean more inspiring things, to consume my time and bring higher purpose and confidence. A new horse in the stable will lead to less stress and better access to opportunity. More time spent on purposeful things, will mean less time to spend over-thinking (I believe I did mention that pastime previously) the void. But emotionally, it still leaves gaps that can’t be filled with work, or money.

I guess this is where the hope comes into it. The notion that allows me to get one foot in front of the other every day, despite the muscle resistance to do so. The belief that intentions can translate to reality, and words into actions. The hope that, when the universe has repeatedly sustained its idea, that some things are destined somehow…that perhaps there is substance to that. That, some things cannot be denied, despite the struggle.
So, after that somewhat disjointed rant, which seemed perfectly fluid as I wrote it, I’m going to keep doing some of the productive, busy stuff. To keep trying to changes those shades to a more defined colour, and keeping hope that one day, the palette will reflect brighter colours.

Stay busy, or stay happy Kids.

Spilt milk…ish.

f04db7188337bee761e5bde238af2517You know the old phrase ‘There’s no use crying over spilt milk’…well how about wine? Can you cry over spilt wine? I shall answer that on all of your behalf. I think it is perfectly acceptable on special occasions. And today was special. You see… this blog is more like something nobody needs in Summer, a heated vent, because honestly…I’ve just had enough.
38dc8b77fc74bc1ed987f971a57b5d27I can’t do this today. So I’ve decided that, to prevent risk of further spillage, the wine…it’s being consumed from a tall stable glass. A green tinted glass. With a neck. Ok…the bottle. Straight from the bottle. Classy as fuck.
6d51d58d223a7d5b32e212a0217b93c0I’ve tried lately, I really have, to stay positive and refocus on the ‘haves’, rather than the ‘do not haves’. What I actually ‘have’ is no fucking idea if I’m winning or losing the battle. The Universe has decided that a myriad of things around me should end, break, or just fuck up in general. As I fix one, the next fails, and it feels like a never-ending struggle to stay on top of it all. Pay one bill and the next arrives, replace one item and the next breaks…and then there’s me-a royal upbeat mess. Some days I feel positive, oblivious even…and some days I just feel like I’m pretending, trying to fool even myself. Take a step forward, and get knocked back on my arse. F.I.N.E. I always get up, as everyone tells me, it just takes varying amounts of time.
03cbd4f9ac2f22ff743069749ef5b7fc.jpgI spent the whole day waiting. Not wanting to start something ‘else’ in case it was interrupted. Not wanting to chance missing out. Waiting for someone who never arrived, and something that never happened…and it just did my head in. I’ve spent so long waiting for things that matter, that I can’t do it any more. No matter how important or insignificant it is, I can’t bear the thought of wasting time just waiting. Life is too long to be unhappy, too short to spend on things that don’t inspire, and too simple to be complicated. So at the end of the day I just felt so overwhelmingly, utterly hurt and disappointed in everything, everyone, and every word ever spoken to me.
signatureIt was drama queen central, right there in my kitchen. All of the beautiful, shiny, high end knives pointed right at me, and I felt every one of them hit their target. All at once.
8b7537fdd3afd5d6dd6f28f570344666I called and cancelled, gave my boxing gloves their first intense workout in over 6 months, then walked out the door and into the storm, and just let myself walk until I was saturated. It was all I could do. Literally…it felt like all I could do.
stormThe lightning snaked across the sky, thunder boomed, and the rain hid my frustration so well. And when I had calmed down, I made my way back to…a house. The one where I keep my dogs. My stuff. Just a house. And the thunder and wind, well, even though it saw me, and it knew…it just went on as if nothing had happened at all.

Someone told me this week, that they were just ‘Existing. Just trying to make it to Christmas without killing themselves or someone else’, and that right there…well, that described my day perfectly. Christmas is so near, yet it seems so far away. So many days away. And things…things just keep breaking.
05eb0bc07a61243624d14f810e0abd06Honestly, I was hoping Christmas would pass by this year completely unseen. But unfortunately, there are already baubles and bright lights everywhere. I know that the closer it looms, the worse this sickening feeling will get. The one of glitter, replaced by all the ‘do not haves’-a selfish pain. I have lost so many loved everythings at this time of year, so many things are missing, it has come to be a painful reminder of that, over a celebration of anything at all. When people are rejoicing with families and loved ones on the day, I will be quietly and painfully remembering my ‘do not haves’, as I suspect, will those I will share it with.
christmas-grumpy-cat-121But until that day, and the ones that come after it, and the next, when the sun is supposed to magically change its path and shine brighter…I will exist, and fix, and try. Try and look forward, fix things, not myself…because I am not broken. I am hurting, suffering, healing, understanding, accepting, different, loving, and many other things perhaps…but not broken. Human.

Remember on the bad days Kids, that we are all just human. On all the good, bad and meltdown days. In the moments of love, and hurt and anger. With all our glorious victories, flaws, successes, faults, and mistakes..and all of our love and hope and passion…we are human. We deserve. I deserve. You deserve.
20140724_144156-1v3.jpgCheers and hugs (for me really)


Sick & tired…

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You know what I’m really sick of right now?…People. Pretty much all of them, with a few exceptions.

I’m sick of having to tiptoe around people with what I do and say. I’m sick of having to please other people and
tell them what they want to hear. I’m sick of pretty face-book status updates to placate the masses. I’m sick of posting
happy pictures, when they are a only a small glimpse of my day.

I’m sick of hearing about your awesome peachy lives, when I know in fact they are no better than mine, but you feel as compelled as everyone else to tell us they are. Why?… because nobody wants to see doom and gloom? Because it’s depressing you say? Well, life isn’t always a bed of roses…or have you forgotten that two weeks ago you were crying on MY shoulder?
I’m sick of relentless fucking hypocrites.

I’m sick of  putting so much effort into things and getting nothing in return, helping and getting no help. I’m sick of confiding, only to be ‘told’ what I should or shouldn’t be doing with my life, thoughts and feelings. Advice should be helpful not harmful. If you want to help, help, be constructive. If you want to preach, do it to someone else. I’m going to do whatever I want…figured that out yet?
Don’t talk down to me about the things that are important to me and then constantly ask me ‘why I defend them?’. If you don’t know why…then you clearly don’t know me as well as you think you do…


I’m sick of filtering stuff from people I don’t like because they still feel the need to be my virtual ‘friend’ when in reality we can’t stand each other. I’m sick of fickle, flighty people who lack substance and integrity. I’m sick of people breaking their word, or those who are only in your life when they need something from you. I’m sick of the attention getters, the fucking drama queens and the liars. I’m sick of people who can’t handle the truth in raw form. And the ones who say they can…but really can’t.

I’m sick of ‘attached’ people flirting with me, and propositioning me, because they need to fill some little void in their relationship and life. If it’s fucked, leave it or fix it yourself, don’t look to me for anything, because ‘news flash’… I’m not interested, and furthermore, you no longer have my respect. Just because I am single, in no way does that mean I am available, and much less to you.

I’m sick of seeing so many posts about horrible people who hurt animals, hurt themselves or want to hurt the planet. I’m sick of
seeing a world filled with money hungry, power hungry, hateful, despicable people who couldn’t give two shits about anyone or anything in ‘their way’.

I’m tired of having to constantly fight so hard for what I love and want, and for the things I believe in, which in most cases are just plain human decency. I’m sick of constantly waiting for the right times and places, and more days filled with uncertainty. I’m sick of feeling hurt and insignificant. I’m sick of being mentally exhausted and tired, so tired. I’m sick of hollow, achy, longing. I know some of these things are a necessary means to an end, self imposed-which I am willing to deal with, but are no easier to handle because of that simple fact.

Sleepless nights run into sleepless mornings, followed by days running on pure shots of caffeine and the thought that tomorrow will be better, if only a little. And the even more glorious thought that things will all be as they should be ‘some day’…but to get there, I have to make it through many more tomorrows.

Some days are just too much. Some days I’m seeing red and I just want to tell everyone to go and eat a fucking big bag of dicks! Some days I just I don’t have it in me to leave my dark little cave, because I likely would. Some days I could just go freakin’ postal…this day…yes…this day.


The only thing that gets me through this day is two amazing, furry little creatures who depend on me and love me without condition, loud music, plenty of uber-strong coffee, the fact that there are still some people worth the time… and solitude from the outside world. Only the determination to get through it, will provide the energy to complete that workout, make that food, fill that daily routine. This day.

The Universe is still a bitch and the world is still fucked up…but tomorrow will be a better day. I’ll make sure of it.


Rant over.