Breathe

Someone told me this week that I was ‘living the dream’. I thought it was a joke. They weren’t joking. Living. The. dream.
Because I changed my life in some ways, because I ran away, or moved forward, or however you wish to see it. Because I went my own way, in more ways than people realise. Because I did it alone and far away. Because I left my comfort zone, hoping for more. Because I made it…make it, sound so great. I’m pretty good at that by now. But look at Facebook..isn’t everybody these days?
So let me say this…if this is anybodys dream, then they have their standards set WAY too low. It’s just different. Period. And tonight, it’s far from a dream, it’s fucked. Last night it was tolerable, the night before intoxicated, the night before that similar, a week ago confusingly fantastic, the week prior very messy. It’s volatile at best. I’m volatile…at best. There’s lots of confusion and pain, anger and complication. Because that’s what people are. Complicated. And that’s what they do. Complicate. They take something simple and complicate the living fuck out of it.

And some days, when it’s grey and rain soaked and cold, all you want is love, and comfort, and to just feel warm and pain free. Just to feel once again, like everything might be alright. To have a moment that you can stay safe in, and not notice the world feeling like it’s crumbling down outside. Just a moment, where it doesn’t feel like everything is so damn hard, and forced, and fucking complicated. Just one moment, where somehow you…matter.
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There is no dream, there are just degrees of change. The dream has disappeared. There are sunny, good days, filled with smiles and distraction. There are days where I laugh and joke with friends, socialise and explore the world, and days where I want to be far from it all. And there are days I struggle to even breathe. I breathe, because the ratio of good to bad days is as volatile as I am, and the thought of not knowing what comes next wins. I breathe because hope is not yet exhausted beyond possibility. I breathe, because there are still moments, and as fleeting as they are, they are worth breathing for. In and out.

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So, I sit here and write this to calm myself, and get it out and away. I write, and draw, and make…to fill the time between moments, and in doing so, create new moments for myself. And I regain control of something that masquerades as momentary peace, but looked at more closely, is possibly just numbness. And I try to sleep, so I can wake up, and maybe the new day will hold more moments…

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Goodnight Kids
V

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Truth Potato

Ba9K1KcHX1E-png__880This week has been huge. On every level and with every meaning possible. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually HUGE. I wrote a post a short while back about a development course I would be attending, based largely on sarcasm and defensiveness, my two main ‘go-to’ methods of human interaction. Ironically, they were two of the things I explored while I was there. And more than I would openly admit most, what happened behind closed doors affected me more than I believed it could (which is true of most things that happen behind my closed doors).

The program centred, not specifically on work function, but the ability to, well…function. To function in life. To function as an adult. To function as a balanced, or even an unbalanced human being. A human being with a massive backload of trauma, emotions and unresolved issues, to be more specific. Pretty sure that covers most of us, some more than others, a few of us in particular.
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I went in the door, with a lot of people saying that I would ‘learn a lot about myself’, but I didn’t. I didn’t learn anything new about who I am, and I wasn’t particularly surprised by any of the test results, circumflexes, bar graphs or charts. But what I did learn, was ‘why’ I am. More importantly, I learnt that it’s not just okay to be the way I am, but that it is totally justifiable. I learnt that I look very different from other peoples perspective, to the way I look from my own. I learnt that I don’t need to change, but just to adjust my approach to some situations. I learnt that people can inspire others, simply by example.
BdczifKnv0d-png__880I learnt other things this week too. And they weren’t from any trip or course. They were directly from the universe itself, and learnt simply by watching and really listening. They were through other people, and my reaction to any given situation. I learnt from inside myself, and painstakingly yet patiently, remembering and understanding my own emotions, and applying that understanding, to accept others emotional states. I learnt to give what I wish to get. I learnt to take a step back when needed, and a step forward when it should be taken. Sometimes it’s really hard to do, but often it can get you to better places, physically and emotionally.
6abab300780df5bd4378a43d9adf154bI’m not getting ahead of myself and saying that I have suddenly been totally spiritually and emotionally enlightened. It was 3 days of introspection. Hardly time to dig deep into ones psyche, yet it did scratch the surface quite deeply. I still don’t have all the answers…But I do have the gateway to some of my own answers. I think I have stepped through into a space, where I feel more confident in what I want, who I am, and what I can achieve. I am perhaps one small step closer to becoming a more adultier adult. And every now and then, we have to look inside our own minds and hearts and actively do this, because essentially, and with few genuine exceptions…
BaT-FSqHieu-png__880So…that means we have to care for ourselves. There are only so many times you can self medicate with pain, adrenaline, alcohol, ignorance, or any other drug of choice, before they simply become another addiction. We have to give those fucks about what pains, tortures, and weighs on us. We have to be the ones to change our situations or make our choices, to find what truly makes us happy, brings us peace, and makes our lives better. We have to accept and understand, and then differentiate between the reality, of what seems like it will/does/should make living worthwhile…and what actually does. We have to throw out conventional thinking, perhaps let down some defences, and search for our own truth. Sometimes it’s right there in front of you.
BeIln2inSRl-png__880One of the recurring themes in the material (and it was explained by concept, and then by research result) really struck my chord, perhaps because it is already in my truth. And that is, that our hearts react, most importantly, and most actively, to anything that life throws at us. It reacts, in fact, hundreds of times more, and faster, than logic/brain. Physically as a muscle, and emotionally/mentally, as a basis for our thought process, it reacts first. Our powerful hearts, in conjunction with our Limbic system (which centres on learned reactions, nostalgia, emotion, trauma etc), literally pre-determine coming events, and brace themselves for impact. Awareness changes impact and reaction. Simple equation. So…Love can ‘literally’ fix broken things.
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That’s enough reflection for today. My head’s still spinning quite badly from the trip itself, and focusing is not doing me any favours. There’s also a grey, empty feel to the day in me, so perhaps resting my heart should take priority.

Take the time to take care of yourselves Kids. There’s only one you. And you’re worthy.
Cheers
V

 

 

Hustle and heart

So, I wanted to write a blog, but the topic…well, there were too many. I couldn’t isolate, narrow down, minimise.
I still have a story to tell, but now is still not the time *put the popcorn away*. That’s for a more level-headed later.
Instead of trying to make coherent sense of all the thoughts, I’ll just write a list instead. Of…things. Things in my week, thoughts, realisations, learnings, re-visits, angers, delights & other…things.
It’s not advice-I’m not qualified or self-assured enough to give it. It’s just ramblings, because I’ve had a tiring week (mine work differently to yours) and today was hard. I was angry and venomous, and I knew it. I need to find some positivity, so I can find sleep, and wake up in a better frame of mind. There has been so much rapid change, I needed to find ground, run my toes through it’s sand, then dig them in deeper and feel the grains.1.’Things’ can be hard to let go of. It’s hard not to relate the things we own, to being a part of who we are, so in many cases, it can be hard to let go of them. If we have them for a long time, each passing minute makes us feel like they are more ingrained in our character…but they are not. The things we own, are merely a reflection of who we are-an extension. We are no less without them, and if we let them go, we make room. For new things, other things, or simply just open space. We create a gap that can be filled with change and forward motion. Sometimes we need to de-clutter our lives to make it better, or give ourselves the opportunity to redefine our image, or bolster/rediscover our sense of self. Letting go of anything important is not easy, but it can be so very worth it.

2. Sometimes the smallest gestures make the biggest impact. A smile can bring a smile, a helping hand can bring a blessing (Actually it was “Bless your heart, and every other part”-Haha), remembering a name lights up eyes, or circumstance, and knowing unexpected things brings engagement to another level. Say hello, use their name, pat their dog…just making an effort means the world to some people.

3. Know who you are. Don’t be afraid of it. Your emotions and moods and quirks. Your fetishes and fantasies, dreams and reality, passions and peeves. Take the time to get to really know what you like and dislike, and how you react to things. Be ok, with you. Really know…and understand it. NEVER apologise for it.
4. Accept who you are-own it! There is NOBODY else out there on the planet like you. Be brave enough to feel, to love, to anger, to react, to defend, and to do exactly what you want and how you want (as long as you’re not hurting others intentionally in the process). And I mean how YOU want. Not how others think you should, or how it is expected. You are enough, and there are plenty of people out there that know that, or soon will. If you ever feel like you are not enough, or too much for people…then they are not your people. 5. Don’t settle. Life is a journey, and a tough one. Adulting sucks, and loss and heartache and loneliness. But love…love doesn’t suck. It can be amazing if you do it right. And puppies are awesome, and warm pan au chocolat, and walking in fresh air, and new places, and good (or if you’re lucky-fantastic) sex, and roast dinners, and pampering, and loud music and, and, and….
Small delights are to be found in every day. We hurt and heal. We experience a huge amount of emotion, and there are adventures everywhere if we stay open to them. You never know where being honest and brave can take you. Settling is a limitation we place on ourselves when we don’t feel we can do, or get, or deserve any better. Don’t settle, please. Please.
6. Love and like are completely different things. When we love someone, or are in love with them, we just are. They can do silly, awful, disrespectful, hurtful, or indifferent things to us, and we continue to love them, just because…we do. The human heart and brain don’t always see eye to eye. But that said, we can still feel the impact of those things…we can still not like them for what they do, or who they are, or how they are. We can still get angry or upset with the things, the words, the lack of anything. But love is steadfast. We just need to understand the difference, and act accordingly. Because no matter how much you love anyone else, the first person should always be yourself.Well, stick a fork in me…I’m done, and as someone said to me in the week..it’s getting too late for philosophy or anything that doesn’t involve sex. Time to join the monsters on, and under, my bed.
Goodnight Kids, thanks for listening.
V