Weight-watchers be damned…

17522556_1301392963277581_5645933189065747420_n.jpgFor the third time this week, I have been asked if I have lost weight. For the thousandth time if I am okay. For the hundredth time, given advice.
The answers are respectively: yes, no, and no thanks.

I struggle to lose weight usually, and I have finally found the secret. Want to know it? Stop giving a fuck. It’s really that simple. Stop trying, stop doing anything at all. Oh sure, you could take the conventional route of healthy eating and exercise, and maybe even live longer, but this is so much simpler.
I have skipped meals for nights, days, who knows how long? I have intermittently added copious amounts of alcohol to the equation. I have slept a total of about 10 hours over the last week. I have engaged in heavy labour, while running on nothing more than a few sugar-free energy drinks and an odd vitamin. Oh, and walked quite a lot. And it seems I have found my thing. That thing that works for me. Oh goody.

Obviously this is all a product of two factors. Copious amounts of stress/pain and a less than fulfilling job.
I currently work odd hours, so eating properly becomes a juggling act of when, what and where, so it’s easier not to bother. (Don’t worry, my dogs are still getting all of their proper, regular meals). The energy drinks keep me awake for work-minus the sugar hit.
And the stress…well that takes care of the rest. Lack of appetite, sleeplessness, alcohol (but it’s good home still, crap-free alcohol-honest).
16976992_10211245417424952_493780419_nSo all in all, it’s quite a balanced plan of deprivation, and generally not caring. If only I’d known sooner. All those clothes I could have seen in a window and *not* bought, because that’s generally one of the things I don’t give a fuck about.

So, now that my heart and soul are at an all-time low, at least my self esteem will benefit from it. Always a silver lining huh? I might go down in a screaming heap, but at least I’ll look pretty good on the way down. And people are noticing to boot. I’ve been told I looked thinner (Okay…maybe they also added pale and distant), attractive, have great muscle tone (they may have said similar to She-Ra…or maybe not-you’ll never know), that I am impressive (even criminals can be impressive), that someone ‘wants’ me (don’t hold it against them-everyone makes poor choices), and even that my arse looks ‘perkier’ (don’t ask).
Sadly, the only person in the whole world, that I would want to notice, isn’t even looking. Not that I need the attention, or have done anything I regard as ‘notice-worthy’, it’s just a really shit realisation, that that’s the way it is.
17799354_1037995019669667_5197261132301515712_nI have lost almost a full clothes size in the last month by the latest measure, but I still have a ways to go, so I guess there’s a LOT more fucks to not be given. I’m not a comfort eater, in fact quite the opposite. Not only do I forget to eat when I feel bad, but I also feel bad when I eat. This where my lack of fuck-giving falls down. Every calorie makes me feel guilty and regretful…And I don’t need to feel worse than I already do (if that’s really even possible?)

As for being okay. I think it’s fairly obvious that I’m not, but we don’t need to go into any further detail just yet. If I can accept it, you can.
I’m pretty sure that the few people asking if I am, are really doing it for decoration, because they know otherwise, but just can’t change the fact. It’s a bit nice to know that they care enough to ask in the first place. Someone actually told me that if they can hear me making any noise, they relax for a while, because they know I’m still here. A pretty grave thought. I guess I can’t hide how I feel right now as well as I thought.

My last word on the topic, is that I don’t really recommend this type of weight-loss regime for anyone. In fact I hope none of you, ever feel like this. But if you do-milk it.

Cheers Kids *raises highly alcoholic, sugar free mixer, terribly strong, glass*


A different kind of light

I had a lot of big decisions to make this week. I needed quiet and space. Offline and away from other people completely. They are big decisions. Big. They mark finality and never coming back. They mark acceptance of a situation as it is, without the flowers and trim. They accept the fact that I can no longer change, try, fight or go on with anything the way it is.
One of them is the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my whole life, because no matter what else has happened, there is still love-even if unrequited, and there always will be. It means that I am throwing away hope, and any chance. And before I do it, I have to be okay with that. And I was not ready. Not for that. I’m not sure I ever really will be, but I had to at least be assured that it is my decision, and the consequences are mine to own also.
ed2370bd07853b147a527bf4c7bfc0dd.jpgI have needed to separate the truth from emotion. I needed to know that what comes next, is inspired, motivated, by the right things rather than just raw emotion. To apply logic over heart is not something I am familiar with. The hard part, is that I know I have been lied to and manipulated for so long, that I’m not really sure what the truth is any more. So I have to base my decisions on the things I do know.
grey10So I’ve kept away. Away from the white noise and the swirling torrents of advice and bullshit. Away from the world and sensationalists urging me to ‘do this’ or do that’ for the reasons they see clearly from the outside. Because nobody knows the full story, how I feel, or has to live it. Nobody understands how deeply ingrained in me it is. My side of the story can’t be explained with words. So I’ve had to live in my head, over my heart, scary at best. And ALL of my decisions have now condensed into two, that while still are hard, are simpler. They become binary, yes or no answers, based on the directly related facts. Still no easier to make and action, yet simpler to understand.
There are still a lot of factors that need to be considered to arrive at a conclusion, and I also need to let go of preconceived and given notions, which may not have ever been the truth to begin with. I need to clear away the shades of grey and see the situation as black and white. And once I have made the decisions, I need to stop myself from over-analysing and dissecting them over again. They need to be resolute, concrete…final. They are decisions which I need to be not only prepared for, but 100% sure of.

Both decisions are the kind, that I need to be both physically and mentally prepared for. Because while I am hurting more right now than I ever have before in my whole life, I am sure there is room for more pain. There always seems to be. When you think you have reached the thresh-hold of ‘all you can take’, the cliff facing gives way above you, and more comes pouring down. All you can do is brace and wait for it to hit. Right now I am standing at the bottom making vibrations…tapping the rock face…trying to figure out if unleashing the force of all that weight upon myself is the right thing to do, rather than letting someone else stumble under it by accident.

While we all have free will, and the luxury of making our own decisions, the biggest ones never seem easy. The hardest ones to make, are the ones we have to make. They’re never about money or material things. They are not the things that define us. They’re about our hearts, and how we choose to love or hurt ourselves or others. They’re about our own inner truth, and who we care for the most. They’re about whether or not we are the most important people in our own lives. They’re about who we want to share ourselves, and our time, with. They’re about who we draw near or push away. They’re about who we choose. Remember the tale of Romeo and Juliet? Some say a tragedy, but simplified, really just a true choice. They couldn’t be together so they chose not to suffer the pain of being apart.
fa73b922efbff4d572e2bf47d0df107bThe hardest decisions are about being honest in what we really want. And for me, this was it…the fight…
14368836_10153981790518727_6042025880586578387_n.jpgBut, in keeping away from the world, it has given me time to clear my head a small amount. It has given me time to just be alone, and think about what I feel is important to me, and what and who is not. It has also unintentionally shown me more about the people that surround me. Who gives a fuck, and who makes it quite clear that they don’t, who worries, and who finds it easy to just walk away.
51ab799d4dfb48165bdea5891c341379I wish I could say that among all this quiet time, I found my own answers. That I found positive clarity, and the motivation to move forward and blaze new trails…but honestly what I really found for the second time in my life, is a deeper sense of feeling like just completely giving up…or perhaps that I already even have.
35628158383db0e4b490f9a33493a568.jpgI feel drained and empty, pushed and hurt, on auto-pilot, and like I can’t put faith in anything or just about anyone any more. Because when I do, when it feels right, when I choose…something or someone tells me I am wrong. That I am nothing. Or not enough. That I can’t. That I shouldn’t. Or just to fuck off in general. Every time I fight, everything fights back. It’s an ongoing cycle of fighting to lose what I want, and I just…can’t do it any more.
13932807_864643720338132_6535210213639659548_nSo it’s time to accept the things I can’t change, make some decisions, and change the things I can. And then…well I guess that all depends…
98484423b702f803aa14a9c740b0e8beI hope your path is free of the hard decisions Kids. It would be nice to know the sun was shining somewhere in the world.

The point

13006741_1688023284769317_567428828587226332_n.jpgSo, it’s been a long journey, but I’m finally here. The point. Not the point of it all, or the purpose. Not the point of no return, where one must struggle forward, because the path back is gone. Unfortunately not the point of clarity, where in the distance you can see rainbows and unicorns, and are suddenly filled with a sense of knowing and purpose. The point where you think you have it all worked out, and then you don’t. The point where it’s all going to be okay, and then it’s not. The other less magical one-Breaking point. And I am so painfully aware of it.
a532db0ca224b66c870b267b6a5dda76After waiting, and hoping, and being stupidly positive for so long…it suddenly seems like the point has escaped me completely. In fact, I no longer see a point at all. Where I used to regard the failures as lessons and the problems as obstacles, they now appear simply as a string of events that have led me further down in a dismal spiral, which lands at a platform in the darkness. There is no ladder, no hidden door, and even if little Timmy knew I was down in the well, he sure as hell wouldn’t make the effort to save me.
563aa7540b652818ea5095369a3d42ccFrom here, it all just seems like a struggle, like too much. I can no longer ignore the little things. They are all adding up to be one massive phenomenally huge mind-fuck. One of epic proportion, and I can’t see clear of it. Thoughts just keep spinning and snapping at their own tails. Repetitive hopelessness and no way out.
12509038_530899627070343_1774638197232807965_nWork seems like just another thing to do to pass the time, passions have turned into ‘must-do’ tasks and relaxing is something I have to try and force myself to do, until the boredom gets the better of me and I do another menial thing. This existing gig is tough. And without a point…well…pointless.
The one thing that was driving me to do better, be better, work harder, think smarter, stay positive and believe…is gone. The excitement to face each day with the view that it could bring change, and promise of brighter ones to come has ebbed, replaced with the challenge to find any reason to wake up. The light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished, and replaced with a ‘fuel reserve is empty’ warning light.
13138984_814892068646631_1707311830874731575_nYou see, the problem is, I believed and gave everything, and now there is nothing left. With the world at my feet, I have nowhere to go. What I truly wanted in my heart has been taken away, and I don’t want anything else. Anything with what I had, would have been enough, and now I know that nothing without it will be. I had no plan B, no exit strategy. That’s the thing about passion…if you have an exit plan…it’s not a passion. It is your only choice.
28862266cfad467c132484632c563b68.jpgThe myriad of voices telling me that ‘You will be alright, you always are’, ‘you deserve better’, you’re smarter than this’, ‘You saw this coming’, ‘You’ve gotten through this before’, ‘Move on and be happy’, ‘let go’, ‘good things are to come’ all just sound like a raging ocean of white noise, with a foot on my head threatening to drown me. And every wave that breaks just reminds me of what I have lost. The one thing I searched for all of my life found me, danced across the shore for a while, and slowly slipped back out to sea. And there was nothing I could do but watch it wash away.
aa83d794c218ab998a3928a9152f77c1.jpgEverything hurts. Music hurts. Memories hurt. Thoughts hurt. Smells hurt. Pictures hurt. The overwhelming sense of being totally alone and out of the realm of anyone’s fuck-giving capacity hurts. Pain is the only thing that doesn’t hurt.
9b4388a89b91ec1875ff1a2267374507.jpgSo here I am stumbling through the darkness, with the realisation that I am no longer looking for the light. Because, along with the point, the light has demonstrated it’s lack of worth and ability to shine. I’ve resigned, therefore I can just stay here and exist quietly until even the darkness dims, and maybe then some peace will come.

If you have a passion Kids…one without an exit strategy, never give up on it. Hold onto it with every last breath.




what doesn’t kill you…


“A man won’t chase a weak woman. A man will only chase a strong woman”
This is what I got told tonight. And you know what?…I totally get this. The appeal of a strong, secure man or woman is obvious. Someone who is self assured and independent is undeniably attractive. That they can have weathered everything the world has thrown at them, and come out the other side with an air of dignity and self worth, is an admirable quality.
But…what if the very reason that you are now insecure and ashamed of yourself, is because of the person you love?

Now, I hear some of you say, why would someone that loves you make you feel this way? and others I see nod in agreement. And the answer is *drum roll*… I have no fucking idea. The reason for this, is because I would never do it, so I don’t understand. I don’t know. To me, Love is love, and if you love someone, that’s what you do…love them. You do whatever it takes to make them feel loved and worthy and whole and as amazing as you know they are.
grey4Maybe I have my finger on the pulse more than I realise? Maybe it is as simple as the above, and love is what is actually missing from the equation, or maybe it is the other, where the person in reference just really doesn’t know how to correctly apply love to a situation. Either way, love is not displayed by lies and deceit. And that’s where the insecurity comes into play…

They say we are supposed to hold our heads high. To shrug off hardships and soldier through. To love ourselves and be strong and independent. But after years of disappointment and rejection, loss and fighting…there comes a point where a person just loses their fight. The passion, the energy…it just runs out. We give up. And that doesn’t make us weak, it just means that we have reached the limit of emotional pain we are willing to endure. It means that we can no longer see past the curtain to where hope used to be, however thinly veiled. Even with promises, we just ‘literally can’t even’ any more.
grey12This point, when you reach it, feels so much like the end. Giving up. And for some it is. When there is no more purpose, nothing to look forward to, why? Just why? And almost harder to bear, is that, that is totally up to us. We have to make the why. We have never been given the why. We have always been in charge of making the why for ourselves, and then making it a reality. But when you’re out of energy from a fight…you have nothing left to construct yourself yet another why. So, you are left there in this barren wasteland of heartbreak and hurt and blurry days, wondering if you’ll ever have that spark of passion in you to find another why and pursue it.

And you hate. You hate everything except the one that hurt you. You hate everyone else for being right, or for being wrong, or for just being. You hate yourself and everything you do. You hate drivers, and walkers, and rude people, and happy people, and awful people. You hate people that have what they want, and the weather and weekends. You hate rainy days and memories and dreams. You hate yourself for not being enough. You just harbour such hate for a world that hates you.
05eb0bc07a61243624d14f810e0abd06And we are told to be strong, because ‘nobody chases a weak woman’. Nobody loves you if you don’t love yourself…
In a world where we are cheated, lied to, beaten, raped, hurt, instilled with guilt and punished for doing the right thing in so many cases, we are then told to be strong and endure. You can do this. You are better than that. You will be fine. You have always been strong before. You got this.

I don’t. I don’t ‘have this’. What I have is…nothing. I got nothing. After years of hope and future dreams, all shattered in a day, a week, a month, and finally a photograph, I have no fight, no hope, and no plan. What I do have is this slowly settling fog which assures to keep me warm and safe until I can leave the house without fear of hurting someone else. I have my two beautiful dogs who keep looking at me with pain and empathy in their eyes. I have alcohol and coffee, and enough food to see me through the first few foggy days, sort of. And past that…I don’t know. But what I don’t have is ‘this’. Not in the slightest.
13043534_603001243183815_4960545087661802081_nNeither do I have any understanding of how one person can do this to another if love was ever in the mix. I don’t have that. I’m glad I don’t understand. Maybe it means my heart, whilst shattered on the floor, still beats with human blood. I have always led my life by my heart, and if doing so makes me weak, then so be it. I can’t change that.

I just won’t be giving it to anyone else to step on ever again. I’m done.

Goodnight Kids, take care.



b11f8b78b4835d640e40e2e56d2cdd0cThis morning I woke up. It may not sound like much, but that in itself was my first achievement for the day. I neither wanted to, or was sure of the fact I would…but I did. And in many ways, too many to count, I wish I hadn’t. Today, all waking up did, was set in motion the string of events that followed…resisting the urge to even look at my phone, and then numbly moving the length of my house, through a myriad of painful rooms, to end in a kitchen I didn’t want to be in.
The journey back to feeding my girls, no less painful, past a closet full of unopened Christmas and Birthday gifts, paintings and through a bedroom, to a table. Everything.
65966bf685d0d68c40d77ee535634cedI stared blankly past a hammock into a backyard while they ate, before even realising that my twisted my ankle was hurting too.
I got asked at the shops twice if I was okay, by strangers, who at second glance, knew they shouldn’t have asked, and fell silent. I walked halfway home before I realised I hadn’t got what I went for and turned back.
6501944db6e4349708997ea14703bffeA friend sat and listened while I calmly spoke about things that one shouldn’t speak about, because she knew that even if I didn’t say them, I would still be thinking them. And she watched helplessly, as I held back tears and focused on keeping my coffee down. I am grateful that she knew not to voice the pearls of wisdom, and ‘platitudes’ that run through a mind when they see someone in distress…’it will get better’, ‘time heals’, ‘you deserve more’… no. Just No.
12463864_1657797597804393_790195381_nI turned on my music player, but couldn’t hit play. I picked up my phone and put it back down, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to speak. I tried to reassure my girls that it would all be okay….but I know they could see it in my eyes and hear it in my voice, that I don’t really believe that. So they brought me their toys and rested their heads on my lap, because there’s nothing else they could do. There’s nothing else anyone can do.
9b09457f2a61ddb347fe6f4727965cf9I was supposed to start work tomorrow…but I’m not. I need to finish my latest work in progress, but I can’t. I need to start packing some things away where I can no longer see them, but I don’t want to. I should think, but there’s too many thoughts to even make sense of. I have to give up, but that goes against the grain of who I am. So right now, all I can do is be.

Because I don’t want to think past anything. That might take me forward to tomorrow morning, when I have to wake up and feel all of this again.


Thanks for listening Kids.