Every now and again, I get down on myself. Sometimes there is a trigger that prompts a low feeling of worthlessness or self hate, and sometimes it’s just a feeling that slowly comes over me. This time it was the former, which is a good thing. It means that it was an outside influence, not from inside. Anyway, a friend said to me last week, that “people/men view women like us differently”. I asked what she meant. Where I was being categorised? And she replied…”older and overweight”. Pow.
Now, I have a reasonable view of myself. I usually view my personality as my strength over my aesthetic appeal…but that stung. It labelled me in this category of ‘faulty’ & ‘unwanted’. And while it may or may not be true, it is how at least one other person on the planet sees me. It is likely nothing more than a reflection, of a stab at her own self doubt and insecurity, but it was enough to make me feel the edge of the knife too.
So, last night, under the influence of a very unreasonable amount of alcohol, I selected a broad range of differently sexually, socially, relationship and age oriented subjects, and asked the question…Do you think I am an attractive woman? I made it very clear that they didn’t have to answer if it was uncomfortable, but if they did it had to be completely honest. And then I waited with breath held to see what would be said. I didn’t actually have to wait very long. And well…fuck. I honestly probably wasn’t prepared for what I got back.
Let’s just say that none of them concurred with the former female opinion even remotely. In one case, I think it may have even been a question, that had just never been asked, and therefore never answered…until now. I feel a little like I opened Pandoras box about 10 times over. Selfishly it felt good to hear people giving their honest opinion of me, and that others can see so many good things in, of and…on me. Most actually took the time to explain and talk about, not only looks, but what they saw underneath the surface. Personality, traits, feelings, thoughts, desires, and more. It was very…enlightening.
Some were slightly diplomatic in their reply, as expected under the circumstance. Some were totally blunt and raw about what they see, and some were in between. Some put a lot of thought into their response, and for some it was more a knee-jerk thing. One was completely pissed that it was said to me at all, and one said it couldn’t be further from the truth (in not so many words-haha). We revisited missed opportunities and hidden feelings, sneaky missed glances and subtle regrets. It felt egotistically gratifying, surprising, and satisfying, to put my greater doubts to rest for the time being, and go back to being moderately irritated with the way I view myself.
Thank-you to everyone involved for being honest, to the point of bordering on,/breaking the rules of ‘inappropriate’. Thank-you for putting aside your inhibitions, and social restrictions, and telling me the truth. Thank-you for seeing me the way you do. Thank-you for the love. Thank-you for making me feel better. Just Thank-you.
Cheers Kids, all you need is love.
V
vampressa 