Spray-paint, name tags & great coffee.

I promised you my story…but it will have to wait for another day. Today is a little cloudy, and while things sort themselves into fashionable order, I will take the opportunity to just share a few ‘in the meantime’ thoughts.

I’m having a night. One of those ones I haven’t seen in a while. It’s not exactly ‘bad’…just flat and grey and I know in the corner of my mind, like a catching a fleeting glimpse of something…something is not quite right.
It’s been a long week. Oh…hang on…It’s been a long few months!!

While I haven’t been super forthcoming with details (with nearly anyone-don’t worry, you’re not being singled out) my whole life has changed. Why?…because I made it so. Because it had to, to save my sanity and self respect. Because there just comes a time when it should. And I knew it was exactly that time. Time for change.
Someone said to me this week, that it seemed I had a new ‘persona’. It was interesting, because all it really meant, was that that person had never seen/noticed this side of me before. I haven’t changed, I’m just more of me than I was before. I still can’t decide what I want from a menu in less than (at least) 5 minutes. I still have trouble crawling from underneath warm covers in the morning. I still have an unquenchable thirst to create and be inspired. I still run through the house singing, and crash tackle my dogs when they’re not expecting it. I still love rainy nights in and clear nights out. Strong coffee always features in my day and I smoke cigarettes.
Those things are parts of who I am, but they are not all of who I am.
Maybe the thing that’s changed, or just become more obvious, is that now I have found this place that I love. A place I actually want to be, explore, and let inspire me. And I know what I do want, don’t want, and what I deserve. My boundaries and desires have become quite clear. And from somewhere, I have tapped back into my reserve of independence & self-confidence to establish in my mind, that I am completely capable of achieving.

You see, through my life I have been respectively told that I am nothing, nothing without someone else, that I am plain, and that I …cannot. And I have repeatedly taught myself that I can.
Maybe I am not pretty or feminine or delicate. Maybe I don’t inspire second glances or stand out in a crowd…but I am beautiful and colourful for who, and as, I am.
Maybe I don’t make the most money. Maybe I am not a world celebrated artist or business owner. Maybe I have not grappled my way to the top…but I am proud of my achievements and strength.
And maybe I cannot do everything I try…but at least I try.

And now I am here, in this brand new chapter, feeling pretty brand new. I am experiencing new things, and trying to feel every moment of the present for just what it is. 3 weeks ago, someone I had literally just met, looked at me and asked me point blank “Do you always run away from things?” And I replied…”No, I’m not running away…I’m moving forward”. It was either forward or down, and I decided I’m not ready to go down just yet.
One day I might tell you where I am, and what has changed, but right now that’s just geography. The important stuff, is where I’m at. And it’s a better place.

It’s pre-school bedtime hours for me tonight kids. Have to be up early with the morning people, but I’ll be around the way again soon.
Hope you are all well, and looking for your better place…if you haven’t already found it. Maybe you have and you just don’t know it?
Cheers
V

 

Where to from here?…

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Today I learned something. I don’t know how or what triggered the process, but after sitting quietly alone in my kitchen at 4am with a pencil and paper…I learned it. I made a decision of the two choices in front of me…to either follow through with dark thorough musings of finality or to be here.
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Today the choice was to be here, and if I am to be here, I don’t want simply to exist. I want everything. I want the fucking fairy-tale ending, and if I can’t have that just yet, then I want the simple joy of being free and happy. I want puppies running amok in my house. I want midnight slushy runs. I want parties until 3am in the morning. I want coffee drop-ins. I want movie marathons. I want loud music-LOUD. I want to learn new things. I want anything I’ve missed out on in the past. I want to eat what I want, when I want. I want to workout to feel better, and better about myself. I want to meet new people. I want to excel at the things I love. I want all of this and so much more. I want whatever happens next…
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I’m totally sick of thinking about what was, what happened, what used to be. I want to focus on what will be, what will happen, what I can do. I want to go forward without thinking about anything other than that is the direction I need to be headed in.
While there are still things that need to be settled, finalised and finished…that’s all just details. The physical, material side of it all. It doesn’t need the huge emotional investment, any more than choosing which milk to buy does. Focusing so much emotional energy on things that don’t require it, is just exhausting. If it’s over, leave it behind and let it be over. If there’s nothing you can do to change a situation, accept that for what it is and put yourself in a different situation. I’m making myself a priority, even if it’s if only my own. And one day…I may be someone else’s too.

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But this day…this day is mine.

Of course this doesn’t mean that there aren’t still a myriad of things happening in the background. There are. It just means that I have made the conscious decision to deal with them differently from here forward. Instead of letting them dictate the mood of a day, the realisation that, for the time being, there is nothing I can do to change them, is hopefully enough to make them a secondary thought, rather than a determining factor. I need to take my finger off the pause button.

Tomorrow will come along and who knows what will happen? Things may be totally different then…or in weeks..or months. So for now, I am looking forward. To what?…I have no idea…and that in itself is pretty cool right? 😉
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Goodnight Vamps…don’t let the Zimperumapazoos bite…

XX-V