The opening act.

So, I’ve made some decisions and plans lately. Not your average, off the cuff kind of things. Not the fleeting things that are fairly inconsequential or lacking in substance. The huge ones. The ones that change everything. To make it just a little clearer than mud, they are the kind that leaves me with the only two things in my life that are constant, remaining. Everything else…nada.

In time, I’ll tell you about them all, as they inspire me to write, to feel, or to vent. For now, let’s just say they are monumentally life changing, and leave it at that.
However there is one catch…

To truly change and move forward, one must let go of what was, to embrace what is, and what will be, or can be. We need to rid ourselves of not only ‘things’, but the ‘things’ our minds also keep. We need to become versed in letting go of the past and things that are bad for us. The things that lingered and stopped us from living the life we deserved, wanted or needed to. Especially the toxic things, or fabrics made of lies.

That’s one of the hardest things in the world to do, for any living soul, that has an ounce of love or compassion in their bones. It is made easier with anger, hurt and pain. It is made easier when you see certain ‘truths’ for the lies that they are, and it is made easier when you start admitting your own self worth and desires.

You see…love is one of the strongest things there is, a force to be reckoned with. It can fix broken things. It is in everything. But the catch is, some people use it, twist it, and then rely on it to save them from consequence. But if you abuse it, disregard it…when it is gone…what can save you then?

So, I will be, moving forward that is. Because everything in my life…it is my story to tell, and the time seems just about right to do that.

I’m guessing that most of you are not going to want to miss this, so you might want to keep an eye out for the next blog. I have been accused of often being vague, misleading (in a harmless way), unfocused and have been told I can digress. This post, will not be one of those. It might be long and difficult to digest…but life often is. It’s really not the happy stroll along the waterfront that you think it’s going to be.

Til then Kids. Get your beauty sleep.



The point

13006741_1688023284769317_567428828587226332_n.jpgSo, it’s been a long journey, but I’m finally here. The point. Not the point of it all, or the purpose. Not the point of no return, where one must struggle forward, because the path back is gone. Unfortunately not the point of clarity, where in the distance you can see rainbows and unicorns, and are suddenly filled with a sense of knowing and purpose. The point where you think you have it all worked out, and then you don’t. The point where it’s all going to be okay, and then it’s not. The other less magical one-Breaking point. And I am so painfully aware of it.
a532db0ca224b66c870b267b6a5dda76After waiting, and hoping, and being stupidly positive for so long…it suddenly seems like the point has escaped me completely. In fact, I no longer see a point at all. Where I used to regard the failures as lessons and the problems as obstacles, they now appear simply as a string of events that have led me further down in a dismal spiral, which lands at a platform in the darkness. There is no ladder, no hidden door, and even if little Timmy knew I was down in the well, he sure as hell wouldn’t make the effort to save me.
563aa7540b652818ea5095369a3d42ccFrom here, it all just seems like a struggle, like too much. I can no longer ignore the little things. They are all adding up to be one massive phenomenally huge mind-fuck. One of epic proportion, and I can’t see clear of it. Thoughts just keep spinning and snapping at their own tails. Repetitive hopelessness and no way out.
12509038_530899627070343_1774638197232807965_nWork seems like just another thing to do to pass the time, passions have turned into ‘must-do’ tasks and relaxing is something I have to try and force myself to do, until the boredom gets the better of me and I do another menial thing. This existing gig is tough. And without a point…well…pointless.
The one thing that was driving me to do better, be better, work harder, think smarter, stay positive and believe…is gone. The excitement to face each day with the view that it could bring change, and promise of brighter ones to come has ebbed, replaced with the challenge to find any reason to wake up. The light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished, and replaced with a ‘fuel reserve is empty’ warning light.
13138984_814892068646631_1707311830874731575_nYou see, the problem is, I believed and gave everything, and now there is nothing left. With the world at my feet, I have nowhere to go. What I truly wanted in my heart has been taken away, and I don’t want anything else. Anything with what I had, would have been enough, and now I know that nothing without it will be. I had no plan B, no exit strategy. That’s the thing about passion…if you have an exit plan…it’s not a passion. It is your only choice.
28862266cfad467c132484632c563b68.jpgThe myriad of voices telling me that ‘You will be alright, you always are’, ‘you deserve better’, you’re smarter than this’, ‘You saw this coming’, ‘You’ve gotten through this before’, ‘Move on and be happy’, ‘let go’, ‘good things are to come’ all just sound like a raging ocean of white noise, with a foot on my head threatening to drown me. And every wave that breaks just reminds me of what I have lost. The one thing I searched for all of my life found me, danced across the shore for a while, and slowly slipped back out to sea. And there was nothing I could do but watch it wash away.
aa83d794c218ab998a3928a9152f77c1.jpgEverything hurts. Music hurts. Memories hurt. Thoughts hurt. Smells hurt. Pictures hurt. The overwhelming sense of being totally alone and out of the realm of anyone’s fuck-giving capacity hurts. Pain is the only thing that doesn’t hurt.
9b4388a89b91ec1875ff1a2267374507.jpgSo here I am stumbling through the darkness, with the realisation that I am no longer looking for the light. Because, along with the point, the light has demonstrated it’s lack of worth and ability to shine. I’ve resigned, therefore I can just stay here and exist quietly until even the darkness dims, and maybe then some peace will come.

If you have a passion Kids…one without an exit strategy, never give up on it. Hold onto it with every last breath.




Choose Love

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Below is a post I keep seeing. On my social media and elsewhere.

I love it because it’s so sad and true, brutally honest and heartfelt. It’s the story of a million people in a few short paragraphs, and maybe a part of the answer to so much drawn out heartache. I read it every time I see the picture, and think of decisions I am making, have made, and back to some of those I should have made sooner.
We miss so much of our life by only seeing it from the inside.

Life is simple and people are complicated, but you can choose to be open and simplify things, or closed and sometimes complicate them further. In the end everyone gets hurt, but how and how much are the factors within a small amount of control. We choose to say some things, yet keep others to ourselves, at risk of hurting someone, or possibly just hurting ourselves.


There’s a risk to everything, but I guess I’m at the point in my life where I’d rather ask those dreaded questions, than never know the answers, whatever they may be. They may not be the ones you want to hear, but they could be exactly what you were hoping for. At the end of the day, life goes on, and we can live it being grateful for the things we do have, and the people that allow us to share in their lives and love (for which I currently am, beyond words, as I seem to have been blessed with someone who, not only do I love deeply and would ‘choose’ undoubtedly every day, but also loves me despite all of my faults), or we can struggle to hold on to the ‘should haves’, ‘could haves’ and ‘what ifs’. In both cases, most of us are stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. But one means moving forward, and the other standing still.


Read on Kids…flick the lights off when you’re done.


“Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)” by Brian Reeves

 I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.
I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.
As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.
I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.
Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behaviour. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.
She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you. It doesn’t happen.
To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fuelled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realise now, that she was, in part, often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.
Actually, I did abandon her.
By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.
Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship. And she let it happen.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.
It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in a relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:
“Why am I choosing my partner today?”
If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”
If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.
But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.
You do, too. Choose wisely.