You know the old phrase ‘There’s no use crying over spilt milk’…well how about wine? Can you cry over spilt wine? I shall answer that on all of your behalf. I think it is perfectly acceptable on special occasions. And today was special. You see… this blog is more like something nobody needs in Summer, a heated vent, because honestly…I’ve just had enough.
I can’t do this today. So I’ve decided that, to prevent risk of further spillage, the wine…it’s being consumed from a tall stable glass. A green tinted glass. With a neck. Ok…the bottle. Straight from the bottle. Classy as fuck.
I’ve tried lately, I really have, to stay positive and refocus on the ‘haves’, rather than the ‘do not haves’. What I actually ‘have’ is no fucking idea if I’m winning or losing the battle. The Universe has decided that a myriad of things around me should end, break, or just fuck up in general. As I fix one, the next fails, and it feels like a never-ending struggle to stay on top of it all. Pay one bill and the next arrives, replace one item and the next breaks…and then there’s me-a royal upbeat mess. Some days I feel positive, oblivious even…and some days I just feel like I’m pretending, trying to fool even myself. Take a step forward, and get knocked back on my arse. F.I.N.E. I always get up, as everyone tells me, it just takes varying amounts of time.
I spent the whole day waiting. Not wanting to start something ‘else’ in case it was interrupted. Not wanting to chance missing out. Waiting for someone who never arrived, and something that never happened…and it just did my head in. I’ve spent so long waiting for things that matter, that I can’t do it any more. No matter how important or insignificant it is, I can’t bear the thought of wasting time just waiting. Life is too long to be unhappy, too short to spend on things that don’t inspire, and too simple to be complicated. So at the end of the day I just felt so overwhelmingly, utterly hurt and disappointed in everything, everyone, and every word ever spoken to me.
It was drama queen central, right there in my kitchen. All of the beautiful, shiny, high end knives pointed right at me, and I felt every one of them hit their target. All at once.
I called and cancelled, gave my boxing gloves their first intense workout in over 6 months, then walked out the door and into the storm, and just let myself walk until I was saturated. It was all I could do. Literally…it felt like all I could do.
The lightning snaked across the sky, thunder boomed, and the rain hid my frustration so well. And when I had calmed down, I made my way back to…a house. The one where I keep my dogs. My stuff. Just a house. And the thunder and wind, well, even though it saw me, and it knew…it just went on as if nothing had happened at all.
Someone told me this week, that they were just ‘Existing. Just trying to make it to Christmas without killing themselves or someone else’, and that right there…well, that described my day perfectly. Christmas is so near, yet it seems so far away. So many days away. And things…things just keep breaking.
Honestly, I was hoping Christmas would pass by this year completely unseen. But unfortunately, there are already baubles and bright lights everywhere. I know that the closer it looms, the worse this sickening feeling will get. The one of glitter, replaced by all the ‘do not haves’-a selfish pain. I have lost so many loved everythings at this time of year, so many things are missing, it has come to be a painful reminder of that, over a celebration of anything at all. When people are rejoicing with families and loved ones on the day, I will be quietly and painfully remembering my ‘do not haves’, as I suspect, will those I will share it with.
But until that day, and the ones that come after it, and the next, when the sun is supposed to magically change its path and shine brighter…I will exist, and fix, and try. Try and look forward, fix things, not myself…because I am not broken. I am hurting, suffering, healing, understanding, accepting, different, loving, and many other things perhaps…but not broken. Human.
Remember on the bad days Kids, that we are all just human. On all the good, bad and meltdown days. In the moments of love, and hurt and anger. With all our glorious victories, flaws, successes, faults, and mistakes..and all of our love and hope and passion…we are human. We deserve. I deserve. You deserve.
Cheers and hugs (for me really)