In my last post I spoke of love, and what it is, or rather what I feel it is. While I’m sure everybody has a different grasp on what it means, and how it feels, some parts of it are just fact. In the last few weeks, I was introduced to a concept, that really should be a given, but thinking of it in this way changes how you could view it completely. It is a simple shift in perspective, yet a very obvious one. It comes from African American feminist writings, and is such a simple thing, yet sheds a new light.
Think of ‘love’ more in terms of it as a verb than as a noun. It is far more important to think about the ways people ‘do’ love rather than the ways they feel or speak love.
This is what I am finding the need to accept, in the healing process. That is what I have had trouble with, in my 3 year tumultuous ‘relationship’. The words vs actions battle. I have always struggled with the fact that he told me he loved me deeply, is in love with me still…yet in short time, his actions spoke otherwise constantly. Possibly the battle in my head was based on the fact that I have always tried to be honest in my words, and spoken how I feel with those I love. I believe that if you feel it, you should say it, as these are the chances we never get back, and can truly regret once the moment has passed.
Perhaps I was too confident that I knew him well, that his heart was like mine, that his intentions were honest and true. Perhaps I just wanted to believe it was so.
I have learnt a lot of other things in the past weeks also. From frivolous gossip to talk with a lot more substance, tarot readings to plain facts. I have given lots of thought to who I am, and what makes me calm or angry. I have seen things I did not want to see, and made realisations by connections and memories. And while it hurts, the cold truth is always better than pretty lies.
And this. I was told this…“I got a sense of the way the pain seems to be related to you moving towards acceptance”
I guess, beyond reason, I still have an incredible amount of love for this man, and to resolve the situation in my mind, I need to feel the depth of what he has done to me. I need to feel the pain and betrayal and anger and hurt. I need to feel that I deserve more, and that going through this again is no longer an option.
I read a quote this week that stood out to me…it said “Even though I know the car will crash, I would get into it with you again” and I wondered if I would. If I would -now, or in a week, or a month, or ever again, knowing what would happen. Or whether if I got into that seat again, could anything be done to ensure a safe journey?
But it was just that…pointless wondering, And therein lies the problem…still even considering the possibility. Maybe somewhere in my mind lies hope that the connection is not lost. My heart is saying there is a chance, where my head is saying there is not. I feel conflicted. I cannot bring myself to burn that bridge just yet, no matter how brightly it may shine a light to pave a future path.
In the struggle for acceptance, and trying to move in the right direction, I find myself surrounded, not intentionally but usually, with friends that have led tough, colourful lives. People that have endured their own pain and suffering, and lived to bear the scars. People that are destined to come into my life, or I theirs, at times of need or convenience. Musical, intellectual, generous, heartfelt, deeply emotional people. People that don’t judge. And they help.
I do believe in passion and love above all. This is probably why I am having trouble with what is happening. Because the connection I have had with this person, the way in which we met, the emotion, the sexual energy, the peace our presence seemed to bring each other, the events across many years…they are all too strong and deep to be just coincidence or chance. The fact that he could not just walk away (which is what he claimed would make his life so much simpler), albeit trying many times, and I could not just give up (however harmful I knew it was), mean more. Somewhere inside I cannot believe that it was not meant to be…
But I will keep trying to find ways. Ways to heal, and find future hope and promise in other things…and more importantly…in myself.
Healing is not related to ‘treatment’, but has to do with acceptance, with fulfilling passion, and with knowing the type of love you deserve.
I hope the stormy weather is fulfilling to your soul as it is to mine, and the imminent Super-moon brings the right change in tide for you all.