I had a lot of big decisions to make this week. I needed quiet and space. Offline and away from other people completely. They are big decisions. Big. They mark finality and never coming back. They mark acceptance of a situation as it is, without the flowers and trim. They accept the fact that I can no longer change, try, fight or go on with anything the way it is.
One of them is the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my whole life, because no matter what else has happened, there is still love-even if unrequited, and there always will be. It means that I am throwing away hope, and any chance. And before I do it, I have to be okay with that. And I was not ready. Not for that. I’m not sure I ever really will be, but I had to at least be assured that it is my decision, and the consequences are mine to own also.
I have needed to separate the truth from emotion. I needed to know that what comes next, is inspired, motivated, by the right things rather than just raw emotion. To apply logic over heart is not something I am familiar with. The hard part, is that I know I have been lied to and manipulated for so long, that I’m not really sure what the truth is any more. So I have to base my decisions on the things I do know.
So I’ve kept away. Away from the white noise and the swirling torrents of advice and bullshit. Away from the world and sensationalists urging me to ‘do this’ or do that’ for the reasons they see clearly from the outside. Because nobody knows the full story, how I feel, or has to live it. Nobody understands how deeply ingrained in me it is. My side of the story can’t be explained with words. So I’ve had to live in my head, over my heart, scary at best. And ALL of my decisions have now condensed into two, that while still are hard, are simpler. They become binary, yes or no answers, based on the directly related facts. Still no easier to make and action, yet simpler to understand.
There are still a lot of factors that need to be considered to arrive at a conclusion, and I also need to let go of preconceived and given notions, which may not have ever been the truth to begin with. I need to clear away the shades of grey and see the situation as black and white. And once I have made the decisions, I need to stop myself from over-analysing and dissecting them over again. They need to be resolute, concrete…final. They are decisions which I need to be not only prepared for, but 100% sure of.
Both decisions are the kind, that I need to be both physically and mentally prepared for. Because while I am hurting more right now than I ever have before in my whole life, I am sure there is room for more pain. There always seems to be. When you think you have reached the thresh-hold of ‘all you can take’, the cliff facing gives way above you, and more comes pouring down. All you can do is brace and wait for it to hit. Right now I am standing at the bottom making vibrations…tapping the rock face…trying to figure out if unleashing the force of all that weight upon myself is the right thing to do, rather than letting someone else stumble under it by accident.
While we all have free will, and the luxury of making our own decisions, the biggest ones never seem easy. The hardest ones to make, are the ones we have to make. They’re never about money or material things. They are not the things that define us. They’re about our hearts, and how we choose to love or hurt ourselves or others. They’re about our own inner truth, and who we care for the most. They’re about whether or not we are the most important people in our own lives. They’re about who we want to share ourselves, and our time, with. They’re about who we draw near or push away. They’re about who we choose. Remember the tale of Romeo and Juliet? Some say a tragedy, but simplified, really just a true choice. They couldn’t be together so they chose not to suffer the pain of being apart.
The hardest decisions are about being honest in what we really want. And for me, this was it…the fight…
But, in keeping away from the world, it has given me time to clear my head a small amount. It has given me time to just be alone, and think about what I feel is important to me, and what and who is not. It has also unintentionally shown me more about the people that surround me. Who gives a fuck, and who makes it quite clear that they don’t, who worries, and who finds it easy to just walk away.
I wish I could say that among all this quiet time, I found my own answers. That I found positive clarity, and the motivation to move forward and blaze new trails…but honestly what I really found for the second time in my life, is a deeper sense of feeling like just completely giving up…or perhaps that I already even have.
I feel drained and empty, pushed and hurt, on auto-pilot, and like I can’t put faith in anything or just about anyone any more. Because when I do, when it feels right, when I choose…something or someone tells me I am wrong. That I am nothing. Or not enough. That I can’t. That I shouldn’t. Or just to fuck off in general. Every time I fight, everything fights back. It’s an ongoing cycle of fighting to lose what I want, and I just…can’t do it any more.
So it’s time to accept the things I can’t change, make some decisions, and change the things I can. And then…well I guess that all depends…
I hope your path is free of the hard decisions Kids. It would be nice to know the sun was shining somewhere in the world.