So, it’s been a long journey, but I’m finally here. The point. Not the point of it all, or the purpose. Not the point of no return, where one must struggle forward, because the path back is gone. Unfortunately not the point of clarity, where in the distance you can see rainbows and unicorns, and are suddenly filled with a sense of knowing and purpose. The point where you think you have it all worked out, and then you don’t. The point where it’s all going to be okay, and then it’s not. The other less magical one-Breaking point. And I am so painfully aware of it.
After waiting, and hoping, and being stupidly positive for so long…it suddenly seems like the point has escaped me completely. In fact, I no longer see a point at all. Where I used to regard the failures as lessons and the problems as obstacles, they now appear simply as a string of events that have led me further down in a dismal spiral, which lands at a platform in the darkness. There is no ladder, no hidden door, and even if little Timmy knew I was down in the well, he sure as hell wouldn’t make the effort to save me.
From here, it all just seems like a struggle, like too much. I can no longer ignore the little things. They are all adding up to be one massive phenomenally huge mind-fuck. One of epic proportion, and I can’t see clear of it. Thoughts just keep spinning and snapping at their own tails. Repetitive hopelessness and no way out.
Work seems like just another thing to do to pass the time, passions have turned into ‘must-do’ tasks and relaxing is something I have to try and force myself to do, until the boredom gets the better of me and I do another menial thing. This existing gig is tough. And without a point…well…pointless.
The one thing that was driving me to do better, be better, work harder, think smarter, stay positive and believe…is gone. The excitement to face each day with the view that it could bring change, and promise of brighter ones to come has ebbed, replaced with the challenge to find any reason to wake up. The light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished, and replaced with a ‘fuel reserve is empty’ warning light.
You see, the problem is, I believed and gave everything, and now there is nothing left. With the world at my feet, I have nowhere to go. What I truly wanted in my heart has been taken away, and I don’t want anything else. Anything with what I had, would have been enough, and now I know that nothing without it will be. I had no plan B, no exit strategy. That’s the thing about passion…if you have an exit plan…it’s not a passion. It is your only choice.
The myriad of voices telling me that ‘You will be alright, you always are’, ‘you deserve better’, you’re smarter than this’, ‘You saw this coming’, ‘You’ve gotten through this before’, ‘Move on and be happy’, ‘let go’, ‘good things are to come’ all just sound like a raging ocean of white noise, with a foot on my head threatening to drown me. And every wave that breaks just reminds me of what I have lost. The one thing I searched for all of my life found me, danced across the shore for a while, and slowly slipped back out to sea. And there was nothing I could do but watch it wash away.
Everything hurts. Music hurts. Memories hurt. Thoughts hurt. Smells hurt. Pictures hurt. The overwhelming sense of being totally alone and out of the realm of anyone’s fuck-giving capacity hurts. Pain is the only thing that doesn’t hurt.
So here I am stumbling through the darkness, with the realisation that I am no longer looking for the light. Because, along with the point, the light has demonstrated it’s lack of worth and ability to shine. I’ve resigned, therefore I can just stay here and exist quietly until even the darkness dims, and maybe then some peace will come.
If you have a passion Kids…one without an exit strategy, never give up on it. Hold onto it with every last breath.