An open letter to those through my entire life that have chosen to hurt me.
To those who have chosen to hurt me physically, emotionally or mentally. To those who have lied to, stolen from, cheated on or had any ill intention toward me. To those who have abused, stalked or threatened me. To those who have left scars whether external or internal. To those who have chosen to use me for their own gain or selfish purpose, and those who have chosen to treat me as an afterthought, or like I am nothing.
To those who have broken promises, made thoughtless, fleeting empty promises, or chosen to promise more than they were ever intending to deliver.
I don’t hate you, there’s no reason left to hate. I don’t forgive you, there’s nothing left to forgive. You are irrelevant. I appreciate the experience you gave me. You were a valuable life lesson. You taught me about the kind of person, that I never want to be.
You taught me how important it is to keep promises, and to only offer what you can afford to give. You taught me about the value of real friendship, and love, but also more importantly, the value of self-worth, independence and determination. You taught me how important it is to stay true to myself, and believe in what I want. You taught me passion, and how to fight with it. You taught me the value of hope against all odds. And both the value and dangers, of trusting those who should not be trusted.
You taught me that even though we are all in this world together, we are also still in it alone. On this journey, I have made the best of friends, in the most unlikely of people and places, and I have also shed meaningless, cold, soul-leeching people from my circle.
I have found that hope is so important in moving forward, and only the reason for it changes. I have found that no matter how well you think you know a person, you will never understand them completely, and that life and people are as unpredictable as each other.
I have learnt that no matter how much the universe conspires to put two things or people together, there will be just as many forces trying to tear them apart, and the difference in success, is unity in the belief of one or the other.
Neither words, feelings, nor depth of love can make any difference to the way a person views themselves or the world. If a person only wants to see clouds, they will never notice the sunshine. And if they reject hope, it is not theirs to embrace.
I have learnt that the strongest people can be manipulated and controlled as much as the weakest ones, if not more, as their emotions and beliefs are stronger, and once in place cannot be altered. They have the strongest connections to guilt, love and survival all at once.
I have learnt that the ones who say they love you do hurt you the most, not for wanting to, but just because they can. And I have learnt of myself, that I do not regret loving or caring for anyone in my past, because loving them did not make me a lesser person, but what they chose to give in return, defined who they were to me. Not bad people…the wrong people.
I do not regret speaking truthfully in any situation, regardless of whether the same respect was given in turn. While we are what we do-not what we say, our words are the starting point to create expectations and promises, that we can either choose to live up to or default on. Neither do I regret my faults and mistakes, or admitting to them, regardless of sacrifice or consequence.
The only true regrets I have are wasting time that would have been better spent living. As someone said to me recently…”When I give to those I love, I don’t give money…I give time, because my time is what I gave up to earn it. Money means nothing, time and what you do with it, is everything”
I have learnt that, while talking to people can help give you clarification or direction, ultimately you must choose your own path, as you are the one that has to live with the consequences or outcome. That you should never change yourself to suit someone, because if they truly loved in the first place for who you are, you won’t have to.
And now…now I am learning for myself to see what it is I want. The value in my own decisions. The places I want to go, things I want to see, learn, do and experience for myself, because…time. And this…I am sick of doing this…
I am a loud, passionate, stupidly spontaneous, planning, type A, slightly OCD, vindictive, cautious, scared, conflicted, overthinking, slightly odd, introverted, insecure, emotional, unstable, intense, opinionated, neurotic, fucked up, scarred, strong, impetuous, dark, nostalgic, optimistic, confused, reckless, logical person with a twisted sense of humour. I believe I escape simple definition by any standard.
In my life, I have encountered one person that I love completely, just one, who came close to understanding or accepting that, and chose to love me, either for it or regardless of it. And then chose not to.
And I am not scared, but now I am out of preferred options (at one, it was realistically quite limited anyway),
…so I am choosing to accept it all for myself…and love me.
Three years ago I got this…
Because I will always believe it is true. Love is not the enemy…and it can fix broken things.