The last week has made me dig. Not a hole, there’s already one there, but inside, in my head, dreams and distant memories. I’ve had to dig to find some things that I haven’t looked for in a long while. Because not having to, waiting for a dream to come true, believing in something bigger and better, believing in words and promises, even empty ones…is easier. It’s safer. Until it’s not there any more…
I’ve had to dig, to find myself. Because part of me is gone, and I needed to find a new person.One that isn’t waiting for anything. One that isn’t afraid of losing something. One that can see clearly and will learn to follow things other than a heart, and include logic in the equation. One that will start believing in herself in any way.
But I have to, so I am. Therefore, I made a lot of plans, some really cool stuff, and talked to the people that can help make some of them a reality. I crossed some off the list and replaced them with bigger ones, and others with more realistic or achievable. I heard kind words from friends, the ones that care more about my future than my past. And more importantly, I didn’t talk to anyone else.
I reconnected with a few old acquaintances, and connected with a few fresh ones. I researched methods for my new madness, stepped out of my comfort zone on some days, and immersed myself in it on others. I absolutely smashed my poor body on a virtual roller coaster ride of excessive alcohol, exercise, lack of sleep, outings, unexplainable scars and mental torture. And I calmed it with the same.I may not be happy, or anywhere close to it yet, but I am sure that it will go one of two ways, and in one of them, I can glimpse something like it in the distance. I’m reaching, trying, grasping…and if I keep falling forward I might even reach it within the time limit.
I thought a lot, and rationalised things, past present and future. I separated hate from hurt and accepted some truths, both bad and good.
But as true as it may be, it changes nothing, so I gave up and started all over again many times, and I will many more. But now I have things to follow through on, and somewhere in the future is a blazing light so bright and therapeutically cleansing that it will throw shadows over the whole world, so forward it is.
I hope you can all see the light you need Kids, every day.