I find it interesting to discover new things about myself, or realise them. Big things, small things, good or bad.Whether it’s through flaws or strengths that others point out, or entirely through self reflection.
Of course the flaws are always harder to know, but in knowing them at least you can then choose to accept them and then either change or adopt them as part of who you are. (For example…I run late. To most things, unless they are really important to me or unwavering appointments, I run late. It’s just something people know and allow for. It’s not a good thing, or intentional, it just is. The important stuff I prepare and wait for, the rest I run late.)
And, of course there is the outside contributing factor to the decision of acceptance, that what one person sees as a flaw, another can see as a positive, from a different perspective.
There are in fact, many things about me, that different people have been honest or arrogant enough to tell me in my life, that are so obviously wrong with me, that I, of course, should have seen staring me in the face. Most of them were pointed out by those who are nothing at all like me. I’m sure they are quite happy about that. So am I.
I take pride, I think, that the one person who knows me better than anyone, thinks I’m a type A, overly analytical, slightly OCD, psycho (and probably a royal pain in the arse).
How boring would the world be if we were all the same? If we chose to do as we were told. If we didn’t question things and bear our own scars and the stories that inflicted them inside us? How beige, how bland, how 1984 it would be to live in a world devoid of our rainbow of coloured souls.
The past few weeks have induced a lot of these thoughts. Mostly about who and where I am, and if either of these things sit right with me. Also thoughts of what and who I want, and also if I am comfortable with those answers.
It led to a few answers, a few more lingering questions and a lot of lost sleep. Sleep, which feels more like a distant lover these days anyway. How nice it would be to be reacquainted, without vivid waking dreams and restlessness…but I digress.
In the last month I have been labelled without prompting, as a myriad of things. These range from ‘a strong, resilient Madame’ to ‘aimless and empty’, with ‘strong but acting weak’ thrown in the middle. I’ve been told that in the past year I’ve grown a lot in the way I view and process the world and people. Even though a tiny few know what is actually happening with me, I’ve been told I’ll survive, because I have until now right?
This is where the questions come into play, because who I am is…thirsty. I am a person who needs to know facts, truth, directions, stories, feelings, timing, dates, memories, plans and possibilities. I am an eternal ‘list maker’. I make lists. I mark things off them as I go. They show me that I am being productive and moving forward. That I am doing things instead of standing still. It’s not a forgetful thing. It’s a moving forward thing. It’s about giving myself purpose and feeling like I have achieved something, no matter what it was. Done, tick.
At the moment I have about 4 lists. The ‘to do tomorrow’ list. The ‘NEEDS to be be attended soon’ list. The ‘personal achievements I want to accomplish’ list. And lastly, the big scary one, the ‘things I want/have always wanted to do and life is only getting shorter’ list.
The last two seem to be more attention grabbing at the moment by far. The exciting stuff that involves travel, tattoos, weapons, parties, learning new things and relocations. Most of those things, in their own ways, will require not only time and planning, but also courage, determination. A few things are just flat out scary to me too, but they’re on the list for a reason.In fact, they’re probably on the list for exactly those reasons. Because just like no great story started with a salad, no adventure started with staying grounded in a comfort zone. I think ‘safe’ can kill you as easily as ‘risky’…it just takes longer and kills you from the inside out.
So, to the disgust and disappointment of some, the truth at the basis of all of this, is quite simply that I don’t fit a perfect mould by social standards. I lead with my heart, and always will, and I am inspired by passion and hope. I don’t give up on what I love. I want to experience so many more things than I have, and go where all of those things combined lead me. I want to look on the world and see that in it’s warm tropical, freezing cold and grey, new and exciting, sticky, colourful, fresh places…it is beautiful again.
Right now it’s time to go and lay awake for a while before a new day. Dream on Kids