Here’s this woman standing in front of you, telling you she burns, would walk through fire for you, and possibly already metaphorically has, but you look the other way, in fear that it may go wrong…or may go right? You find excuses not to be together, find reasons why it won’t work, find justification why it shouldn’t happen.
It sounds so clear and reasonable in your head…but what has reason to do with love?
(I should warn you at this point, you ‘may’ be plied with Grey’s Anatomy quotes, because they are SO relevant to this post and sadly more applicable to my life in general than I have ever admitted.)
Why is it that when you find the right person, there is endless drama? Can’t we just be fucking bar-coded or something? Like, here you are No.15…here’s your match, 15a…have a happy fucking life together. Done. Tick
I’ll tell you why…because free fucking will, that’s why. Because of histories and duties and baggage and fears.
Life is this big screwed up adventure that we only get to live once. Even if we get it more than once, we are not aware of it (for all of you mystical smart-arses out there). So, if it came with instructions it would take at least half of the fun out of it (have you ever tried to put together Ikea junk?) and people probably wouldn’t read them anyway. Half of us certainly wouldn’t follow them, because…rules? pfft. We need mystery, and the illusion of control and choice.
But you know what?…we know anyway. We DO fucking know when candidate 15 meets 15a. Or at least I knew.
You can feel it, like cogs whirring around and around and around, and then one day just…click! You look at someone and suddenly you fall deeper into their beautiful eyes than you could ever imagine. You know that a defining moment in your life has just happened. A ‘before and after’ this moment, moment. It’s not a choice to fall, and nothing is again the same. You can’t resist it. It just is.
So that means when a a person goes through a hard life, full of unimaginably awful things, and then manages to come out the other side, scathed but whole…they sometimes then choose not to accept that anything good can happen to them. They doubt their own value, based on what others have done to, or thought of, them. They doubt the intention and truth of others, no matter how true. They feel vulnerable when they are, in fact, strong.
So, they get to this point of ‘whirr…click’ and they doubt love, it’s true value and the offering of it from anyone. They push people away in self defence. A form of self preservation if you will. Because so many bad things can happen so easily, we start to believe that if something is good, it can’t last. It can’t be real…
The world can be horrible, and some days it’s hard to stay optimistic, I understand that only too well. But there is always light. No matter how dark and twisty and fucked up inside we are…there is always light. There is light in us that some can see, even when we can’t see it ourselves, and in turn there is light in others that only we can see. And sometimes the dark and twisty can be just as beautiful too.
“I’m asking you, to help me see
A light that no longer, shines brightly for me…
…Hand outstretched and holding, A pleading penny for your thoughts
In the hope that through your eyes, I might see all that I’ve lost
So bear me your soul, And I’ll risk searching mine
For what you have not lost is something, I’d give all I have to find”
It is so easy to become bitter and cynical, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t. Hell some days I’d love nothing more than to tell the whole world to just fuck off. But we also need to recognise that we deserve to have peace and love. To acknowledge that we can make choices to erase or minimise regrets, and rewrite a better future for ourselves. It doesn’t mean compromise, it means admitting our feelings and doing what we want, over what we feel we should or have to do.
It means looking for solutions to problems, rather than seeing them as concrete complications, and it means opening ourselves to being loved in return. It means we can have both peace AND love.
If someone asks you to make a promise to love them and never give up, even if they try to…you keep it. Why? Because there are very few things left in this world that are truly worth fighting for, and real, true love is one of them. The kind of love you can’t fake or lie about. The kind of 15 met 15a love.
That right there is why lace your gloves tighter, and you fight. Because, even if it weren’t a promise, you don’t feel like giving up is an option. You can’t imagine life without this. This reason to get through each day. This person. This smile. This hope. This love.
I hope you find this Kids. This love. This knowing. The ‘a’ to your number.