It was Friday the 13th, 10 years ago, not in October but May, and the first time I had really truly followed my heart. I had no place to go, nobody I knew, no fucking idea what the universe had in store for me, but I had hope and love. I knew I had that.
I packed a bag and got on a plane, it was seat 13. I was pretty sure what lay ahead wouldn’t matter, because I figured in that seat on that plane on that day, chances are we would crash down violently and die anyway…but we didn’t. Maybe that was the point that a plan could have been a good idea, but I didn’t have one of those either.
Most of my life I had taken lead from others, played things safe, stayed within my comfort zone, until then. To be honest, when I got off the plane I was petrified. Reality sunk in very quickly in the taxi to my new workplace, because that was the only destination I had. When I walked in the door and set down my bag, I asked what I was to do, and was told “how about you go and find somewhere to live”. Check that Boss…a good idea, great. And just like that I pushed my bag under the counter and walked back out.
I guess I felt like crying, from being overwhelmed, being out of place, just being, but I didn’t. All I remember is feeling blank. I was questioning why in all hell I was even there. Love, that’s right. I wasn’t even sure if anyone else had it, but unfortunately I was 100% sure I did. And that was where I was supposed to be for that very reason and that reason only. As a bonus, I got to leave N.Q, and even though I had no idea how being any closer could be any better, it felt like a step in the right direction.
Thanks to a very understanding agent, I had a house the next day, and my most valuable thing in the whole world arrived the following day with a few of my possessions, my dog.
We settled in as well as I could, and that was that. The short-term plan came to a screaming halt. I was here…now what.
Unfortunately the answer to that one never came as an epiphany, and the next few years were kind of a messy blur.
Over ten years on, and I can safely say that things have changed…and they haven’t. Maybe a more accurate statement would be that I have changed. I am no longer that scared girl getting off a plane, lunging into unknown territory, and fearful of the next step. I know what I want and where I want to be, but this time, that is not really any fixed location. It’s more fluidly based on circumstance, and that same person I love. I want a plan (of sorts) but as long as I know that things are still going in the right direction, I’m okay with that for now too.
I have learned to accept that people come and go, but there a very few that you will want to keep in your life. And even rarer are those, that will stay in your heart and mind through anything and everything.
I have many regrets, some things I have done, mostly things I haven’t. This was neither one of them. Moving at the beckoning of my heart that day made me feel fear, isolation and insignificance, but it also made me feel stronger, and gave me freedom I had never allowed myself before. It gave me independence and an appreciation and understanding of solitude. And…it gave me a few precious scattered moments, just a few, of the very reason I did it, before things came crashing down. Those I wouldn’t give up for the world.
Today, I appreciate taking that leap… for who I became, for who I have, for what I learned, for realizing that amongst all of the confusion, there is still endless possibility ahead. And Love, there’s still that.
Some say the day is lucky, others say otherwise. I say the universe is a hard bitch, so maybe we need to make our own luck. Get on the plane, take the step, don’t falter, don’t look back. Look forward, because that’s the direction you’re going.
Happy Friday 13th Kids, whatever it means to you.