Choose Love

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Below is a post I keep seeing. On my social media and elsewhere.

I love it because it’s so sad and true, brutally honest and heartfelt. It’s the story of a million people in a few short paragraphs, and maybe a part of the answer to so much drawn out heartache. I read it every time I see the picture, and think of decisions I am making, have made, and back to some of those I should have made sooner.
We miss so much of our life by only seeing it from the inside.

Life is simple and people are complicated, but you can choose to be open and simplify things, or closed and sometimes complicate them further. In the end everyone gets hurt, but how and how much are the factors within a small amount of control. We choose to say some things, yet keep others to ourselves, at risk of hurting someone, or possibly just hurting ourselves.

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There’s a risk to everything, but I guess I’m at the point in my life where I’d rather ask those dreaded questions, than never know the answers, whatever they may be. They may not be the ones you want to hear, but they could be exactly what you were hoping for. At the end of the day, life goes on, and we can live it being grateful for the things we do have, and the people that allow us to share in their lives and love (for which I currently am, beyond words, as I seem to have been blessed with someone who, not only do I love deeply and would ‘choose’ undoubtedly every day, but also loves me despite all of my faults), or we can struggle to hold on to the ‘should haves’, ‘could haves’ and ‘what ifs’. In both cases, most of us are stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. But one means moving forward, and the other standing still.

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Read on Kids…flick the lights off when you’re done.

Cheers
V

“Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)” by Brian Reeves

 I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.
I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.
As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.
I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.
Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behaviour. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.
She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you. It doesn’t happen.
To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fuelled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realise now, that she was, in part, often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.
Actually, I did abandon her.
By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.
Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship. And she let it happen.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.
It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in a relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:
“Why am I choosing my partner today?”
If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”
If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.
But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.
You do, too. Choose wisely.

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