Sometimes there are just no words or reasons or explanations for the way you feel. You just do.
The difficulty lies not in explaining, but understanding. Trying to find the reason for yourself, only to stumble over the fact that there may not be one. Perhaps there are scatterings of provocation, but no solid ‘this is why’ type of reason, which would explain or justify it to none other than yourself. Emotions are such fragile, temperamental creatures.
You can never determine how you will feel when everything seems to be going right, any more than you can expect to display certain emotion when situations are not quite right. This in turn, leads to the fact that you cannot determine your own reaction to any given occurrence either. Maybe I’m just not as well versed in this whole concept of being an ‘adult’ as I seem to be at face value. (I’m sure someone out there believes I am right?)
High and lows swing hand in hand like a maniacal ring-a-rosy, spurred on by a child-like passion for swirling until dizziness occurs, and we trip and fall flat on our faces, only to pick up, dust off and start the circling all over again. The pain is only gradual, little bumps, little bruises…so we don’t learn to stop, just watch our step on the next run. We step over the fallen versions of ourself and keep dancing to the tune, hoping that one day there will be more highs, less lows, and we will know the way.
If we are lucky enough, we will clasp hands with someone who is strong and keeps balance. Someone who won’t let go when the pace begins to quicken. Some of us are lucky. Some of us know it. And if we really are, then the fear of falling starts to fade, but not disappear. That fear should never go away, lest we become complacent and relax our own grip. Sometimes holding on is better. Sometimes letting go is better. Sometimes fear is healthy.
I believe that we were made in certain ways, wired to keep reflecting on ourselves and our lessons, to learn and move forward. Whether we look to the past, the future, or take things as they come, we alone are responsible for ourselves and the way we choose to shape our lives. You cannot force a persons mind or bend free will. Others actions are their own, as are yours. The outcome of a situation will rarely go either as planned or as you saw it unfold behind your eyes. You can be an influence, a persuasion…but not a cause.
Emotion then, stems from who you are, the way you process and filter information.We do not need others to make us happy or sad, when we seem totally capable of doing those for ourselves. Perhaps in ways, it is peace then, that comes simply from finding someone with who you can be yourself, and share your innermost secrets and insecurities? To hold against you and feel safe. And if you had found that, would not the fear of losing it be healthy?…and a justifiable reason starts to take shape.
I have seen it written, that if you control your thoughts, you govern your mood, and therefore can make your emotions evolve into a controllable entity. That by deciding you are happy, you can be. Well to that…I call bullshit. You can no more control them, than you could the ocean. You just need to put yourself in a better place. One where you need not have to convince yourself of safety or happiness or love. Places like that do exist. I have been there just recently in fact. It felt like home. And I lay my head against it’s chest and found that peace.
I hope you all find your peace. It’s worth more than anything you could imagine.