So, I have this friend…(really I do, it’s not a euphemism) that is in a spot of emotional crisis. Okay, so it’s not really just a spot, it’s more like a life-changing crossroad. They’ve got to this point where they’ve invested in something huge, and now realised that the game has changed. It happens. It happened to me, and plenty of other people I know…but it’s a big deal. It all sounds complicated, but it’s not, it’s simple…but it’s a big deal.
She has fallen out of love.
It’s something that happens over a long period of time, with all of the small things adding up over time. All of the ignorances, unnoticed feelings, unappreciated gestures, unresponsive actions put together, make a relationship change and falter, and then one day you just stop. You don’t just stop loving, but you stop and think about how you feel and who you have become. Really stop and really think. And you realise that while you may still love that person, you no longer have any of the feelings that prove you are in love with them. The spark is gone, the romantic attraction, the desire to give them your all.
It’s hard. To realise that is hard.
When you get to this point there’s two courses of action. A million things you can do, but really it all boils down to just two choices. Stay or Go.
You can choose to subject yourself to a life of plain contentment at best, with the distinct possibility of always contemplating the ‘what ifs’, knowing that you still have affection for the person, or you can cut and run. The second option sounds awful. Especially when you type it in black and white, but it is what it is, and amongst the ‘awful’…it’s not.
You see what option two is, is a massive combination of emotion, selflessness, selfishness and hurt, which eventually equates to peace. Bear with the logic here before you start with the wtf’s.
If you are no longer in love with a person, that means that you are no longer the best thing for them, and they are no longer the best thing for you. You both deserve to be with a partner that is not only in love with you, but holds you sacred, loves you more than they could describe, wants you-both physically and emotionally, would go to the end of the earth for you, thinks of you, feels incomplete without you, wants to be a part of your happiness, and a whole lot more. The best thing for each other.
The other thing I learned about the moment when you come to this stunning realisation, is that your partner may have reached exactly the same point. It is likely that you have been so wrapped in your own emotional state, that you have also failed to see that they are next to you, holding back from having the same conversation you are. Not always, but in my case, it rang very true.
Option two gave us what we both really wanted, but were holding back from saying…freedom, and a chance to move on and find new happiness, before the years and opportunities wasted away.
I know I haven’t really touched on Option one much here, but that’s because I believe something. You may disagree if you wish, but that won’t change my belief one bit.
I believe that if you fall ‘out of love’ with someone..it’s gone. You don’t get a second chance or a resurrection. You can try all the date nights, romantic weekends, counselling, and talking you want. You don’t get it back. It’s gone. Sparks can’t be re-ignited, they are sparks…that’s their job.
So I didn’t tell her it would all be alright. I didn’t tell her to just stick with it, and that it may change. I didn’t tell her that it was anyone’s fault, or what she should or shouldn’t do. I didn’t tell her it would pass. I didn’t tell her to leave, or to stay. I didn’t tell her I understood how she feels, because I don’t. Nobody does.
She is a friend, so I told her simply that I would support any decision she made, that she knew where to find me should she need somewhere to go or someone to talk to (making it clear that, I am probably the last person qualified to give any sort of relationship advice), and that she should do what was in her heart.
She is a strong, beautiful woman, and I know that she will make the right decision. And I know it won’t be easy.
Take care of yourselves Kids,