This week could really only be described as…emotional. I’m not sure why, but my thoughts, feelings and spontaneous reaction time to events, have been very sensitively linked for days. I’ve had a mix of good news, not so good news and really bad news. I’ve seen a rush of the bad, insensitive, depraved and cruel side of the world, through the ever-watching Big Brother eyes of Facebook in just a few days, and it’s left me feeling like I should take a break from the interwebs. A break from people and the awful, heartless things they do. A break from seeing it, even though I know it all happens. A break from the things I can’t fix.
On top of everything happening in the cyber-world, I’m intensely missing someone in the real world, and having my own work/life related personal issues. All of these things put together are creating a huge sense of isolation and emptiness. It’s not loneliness…just…feeling so separated from people, and yet wanting to be at the same time. It’s hard to explain and even harder to understand. Maybe that’s it, I don’t think anyone does, or has…me…ever.
I know this is more than likely just a phaze feeling that will pass (until the next time), but it’s also hard to ignore when you suddenly get upset about things that you see on a constant basis, however this time, this post…it has you grabbing tissues, and just giving in to the deep uncontrollable, nobody can hear you, sobs. That should probably tell you there’s more to it.
It was coupled with this overwhelming sense of, what I couldn’t find any better descriptive word for, than ‘helplessness’. Not inwardly, but in relation to everything I was watching unfold. Knowing that of all these things affecting me right now, I just suddenly felt helpless to change anything, to result in an outcome which would make the feeling go away. People, their actions, free will, technology, greed, lack of compassion or empathy, indifference, thoughtless arseholes…can’t be changed.
I just have to make it through this fog covered marsh for just a short while longer, without getting stuck in the mud, and there is dry land. I can see it from here, remember how it feels to be curled up safe and sound, almost feel it. It’s just that lifting one foot after another gets so tiring some days. Through the slush of hate and anger and carelessness that the world omits, and into safe arms, a warm body, and all the good things. Where all of that nastiness can happen outside, but it can’t get in, with it’s thought consuming fuckery.
The next week or so is going to be difficult, but if anything is worth the wait, this is. It always has been. So I’ll be trying to shake this funk, and get on with things until the time comes when I find that smile I can’t control …patiently… *cough*
Take care kids