‘Prayer is an invocation or act that seeks to activate a rapport with a deity, an object of worship, or a spiritual entity through deliberate communication.’
So I say I don’t pray…because to me, it’s always been something I related to religion, being religious, which I’m not. I went to church as a small child and stopped going when I was 8. The last time I remember being in a church (aside from being dragged ceremoniously to midnight mass at Xmas) was the first time I ever saw my Father cry. The day we said a final goodbye to my Mother amongst a flurry of strangers, and old ladies in pastel suits and floral, making tea. I asked why…and nobody answered.
So I don’t pray. I say it all the time…but really I think in a way…I do.
I’ve thought about it a lot in the last two weeks. The things I’ve thought about, wished for, hoped for, voiced out-loud when nobody was around to hear…and is that not praying? Is praying more than just a wish thought or spoken in hope? Is it not just something we want. Something we want to happen, or not happen. Do we have to have a recipient in mind, or is it really just the universe we are putting our fears to, begging for the right answer?
We say that the shittiest things only happen to the best people…but they don’t. Shitty things happen to everyone, it’s just that when they happen to the good people, we care. The good people don’t deserve them. And yes…good and bad is relative-to who you are, who you know, what you know. But with some people, it’s just plain to see.
This week I have asked a lot of the universe. So many things I want and don’t want.
I want things to be ‘right’. I want my friend to not be sick. I want his beautiful wife to not be hurting. Because they are good, wholesome, caring people. Some of the best. And what is happening to them is just not fair.
I want everything to be okay with my teen ‘foster Mum’ after her hospital scare. I want my dear friend to be comforted that her Mother will be here forever, like Mums are supposed to be.
I want all of the things that I’ve waited for, and needed, for so long, to finally just work out without any more hurting or problems.
I want the effort we are making to improve the quality of life for the shelter animals, to work. That, because of what we are doing, lives will be saved.
I want my beautiful friends’ beautiful dog to get better. So he can stop worrying. So he doesn’t lose her. So she lives.
I want my friend’s pain to stop. For the doctors to tell her what’s wrong and solve the problem.
I have thought, worried and hoped for all of these things and more. Many more. They are not my pain, yet that doesn’t make them painless. I have to watch as the people I care for hurt. And that is painful also.
If there is anything out there in the universe that heard me…or maybe even reads this blog, now might be a good time to step up and show yourself. You don’t have to shake hands and introduce yourself (although that would be novel) but just take a little look at a few of these things for me? Maybe it already has and I’m just not being patient enough, or paying attention for all the asking. Maybe these things just take time?
…But time is such a precious commodity.
Time to try and put these thoughts to bed. Goodnight Kids.